Distinguishing Preoccupation

The silence of 4 years...

2012-01-27T21:17:00.000-08:00

I guess I don't have anything pertinent to add to this blog. I no longer feel the need to voice my thoughts to everyone. I write elsewhere privately now. I am still around.

My life is so unimaginably different today than it was 4 years ago when I last contributed to this blog. I wrote these things during one of the most troublesome, difficult times of my life. What a different life I now have... I have no fears nor regrets about the choices I've made.

I suppose I came here for nostalgia's sake. Perhaps because I wonder if anyone ever sifts through the archived pages of this blog... I wonder if it serves any purpose being here or if I should hide my words.

Hello digital world of 1's and 0's... Is there a human out there or just static?

Life: As It Is

2008-03-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been several months since I last posted on this blog. Perhaps like many blogs they have a lifespan according to the issue they represent. If I were to sum up the content of this blog it would essentially be a catalogue of the thought processes, struggles, debates, and trials that I have encountered as I have come to grips with my sexual orientation and my religion.

It has been several months since last updating my blog but I am still here and still breathing. It’s difficult to know where to begin to catch up to fill in the gaps. This blog was never meant to be a travelogue but more of a report of my state of mind in the context of my surroundings. In short however, things are good… I think.

I’ve spent the week with my brother, A and his wife, L, on vacation over the last week. It has been a great time to be with him, but also somewhat difficult for me. I have always been very close to him. We are inseparable when we are together. When in public with new acquaintances they often cannot guess that we are brothers based on our physical appearance, however, when they see us converse they put the connection together. We have our own humor, language, and significant history that it’s a dead give-away every time.

We caught the red-eye flight to our exotic destination. It was so nice just to be with them and away from the cold weather of Utah. As I sat on the airplane next to them I reflected on how much I love him, his wife, and the whole family really. Tears came to my eyes and I offered a silent prayer of gratitude. How fortunate I am to be part of this eclectic mix of exceptional people I call my family.

I am completely out of the closet to my whole family now and the support has been great. I really have no idea where I would be if I didn’t have their support. At Christmas this year it was somewhat strange to have the whole family know and talk about it openly. My youngest brother, S, was the last to find out and when I told him he couldn’t believe it. He thought it was a big hoax the family was playing on him. Anyway, I told A about my orientation about a year ago. He took it well, but really has had to take things slow. He has made it abundantly clear that he loves me regardless of what happens and whatever I do.

Despite the openness of my family, I have had a difficult time knowing exactly where A stands on the issue itself. I have had three major conversations with him and each of them I have walked away somewhat unsure exactly where he stands and how he feels about this issue and me. So we had a moment together late at night and I decided to take advantage of the privacy the night provided and we talked into the early morning hours. I don’t know exactly where the conversation began and in truth, I don’t think the topic has any closure either. He mostly talked I think and I mostly listened. Because I love him so very much I want to truly understand his perspective and where he is coming from. Because of my pride I want the confidence in the path I walk to be respected. This difference between us can make reaching an agreement on perspective difficult. Perhaps it is too much to ask of those I love to embrace my sexual identity in its fullness and I must accept that they will never fully understand or make peace with it as I have. Sometimes I wish I had some sort of wisdom to offer them, but I really don’t. I myself am still in a building phase in regards to my own belief system.

Lately I have felt a reawakening to wanting to know God better. I have begun praying more and it really feels good. I feel a deep longing to reconnect with God and understand my role in the universe. While I am generally disenchanted with the idea of organized religion, I still seek out a religious context to describe my feelings about God and essentially a spiritual identity. I feel very strongly that I need something to stand for. I am not fully involved in any group or organization and I really would like to be part of something. I need a holy cause.

Not really knowing where I stand in a religious or spiritual context makes it difficult for me to verbally justify my life choices when I talk to A or anyone for that matter. All I can really tell him with any certainty is that I know the Church does not work for me and that I do believe that God has a plan for me that he will reveal. But I suppose that doesn’t offer any sort of assurance to A, just more worry.

A has revealed that my homosexuality has lead him to do much soul searching himself and has sought to find answers for himself. He also claims that this situation has caused him to grow tremendously which makes me glad.

“Initially,” said A, “I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself, ‘Well what are homosexuals supposed to do but to seek out a same-sex relationship and just do the best they can?’ But I don’t really feel that way any more. God has required a lot of his people and sometimes we must wait, like Abraham, for God’s promises to be fulfilled.”
“So,” I said, “what you’re saying is that at first you believed that homosexuality was okay but now you don’t?”
“Right”
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
“Mostly from reading the scriptures.”
“So if I were to pursue a monogamous, same-sex relationship you would think it was sinful?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t mean I would discriminate against you nor would I treat you any different were you in a relationship like that.”

In the end, while I am grateful for his love, it pains me for him to look at me living a sinful life.

“I think you need to take your name off the records of the Church”
I was taken by surprise that he said that.
“I also think you shouldn’t consider going to BYU as an option. You should take your name off the records out of respect. There is no reason for you to be part of the Church if you don’t follow its teachings or believe them.”

I was very surprised to hear him say this. It also was a painful reminder that the Church that I dedicated my life, money, sweat, and prayers to rejects me. In some ways I feel like this whole issue has been somewhat of a dividing factor between my brother and me. The love is still there, but there is a level of discomfort in the weavings of our brotherly bond. It is that separation that hurts me so much because I love him.

A and I stayed up late talking about it all. The whole family really has been going through some interesting changes. My father is probably the least connected to the reality of our changing attitudes, beliefs, and the overall construct of religious lifestyle in our family. He is spacey and disconnected from it all. My mother is angry at God for many reasons. She feels like he let her down and didn’t keep his promise that if she did everything she could as a mother (which I believe she did), that her children would stay strong in the Church. My youngest brother, S, in A’s words, “has taken a spiritual hiatus.” He probably won’t go on a mission and has accepted an eclectic taste for living. He, much like myself is trying to figure out what he believes in and stands for. He is good, kind, and genuine. My sister, M, has a crumbling marriage. She never wanted to be a Molly-Mormon and now finds herself trapped in a very complicated marriage. I do not know what the future holds for her family. She has many doubts about the veracity of the church’s stance on the female identity and their role in the Church.

We sat and talked about the changes in our family. Everyone else seems to be in a state of transition away from the Church whether it be a final move or just a temporary phase. A lamented his status of really being the only one who is truly 100% with the Church. He told me of how he cried to his wife a couple months back about how sad he was that he feels so much like an outsider in the family right now. I guess I can relate in that I feel like such an outsider from the Church that I called my family for so many years. It seems that life is very bitter sweet at this time.

In a perfect world there wouldn’t be such irresolvable conflict. My brother wouldn’t have to deal with his chronic pain from an old injury nor would he feel like a pariah in his own family. I wouldn’t be gay and have to deal with the religious or societal conflicts that come with the territory. My sister would be able to make peace with her marriage and her personal feelings that conflict with her marriage and religion. My mother would have peace and joy knowing that her children were strong in the faith, making good choices, and had relatively trouble free lives. Her marriage would be full of not only seasoned love but also a thriving sense of being dazzled in love. My father would have desire to achieve his fullest potential and would thrive on his self-confidence. He would be connected to his world and his children. He would maximize the enormous wealth of latent talent inside and add beauty to the world around him.

I don’t mean to say that life is just one disappointment after another. Life, I believe has it’s equal positive and negative characteristics. There is an optimistic way to view everything. I like me, I love my family, and I appreciate the obstacles to be conquered and the tremendous opportunity to become.

When I was a child I was a huge fan of the Fragles. Fragle Rock was my favorite show. I had every thing Fragle. I used to know all of their songs by heart and had a record that I played over and over again. One song in particular probably sums up the essence of what I am trying to say:

You don’t know how to laugh until you cry,
You don’t know when you’ve failed until you’ve tried
You don’t know where you’ve been until you’re homeward bound
And you don’t know when you’re lost until you’re found.

It is a sorrowing for the things that cannot be in life and a rejoicing in the things that were, are, and may be. There is joy to be had in everything that happens. It can be hard to see things in an optimistic light but I believe it is possible. However, at this time, I don’t think the family is seeing things from a glass half-full perspective, myself included.

So I guess I am happy. I have many deep stressors in my life at this time in my lives that sometimes make it difficult to recognize that. But the truth is that I do feel happy for the most part. But the other part of me says, “Now what?” I really think I need a holy cause, something to live for –something to build my life around. I really have no idea what the future holds. I believe that if I continually keep God in my mind and begin to re-include him in every aspect of my life, the path will present itself.

Honestly, Marriage?

2007-11-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

Just this evening I received a comment on an older post of mine about marrying a woman and why I (at this stage in life) will not marry a woman. The comment in full from Parallel Mormon reads:

My advice to you is dump the man and find yourself a woman. The resurrection will fix what went wrong in utero rendering us homosexual, thus you will never again desire a man, instead you will wish you had chosen a woman. Nephi said it and I know it's true, that the Lord will prepare a way for us to accomplish what He has commanded.

Also, no relationship with a man, however well-nurtured, will exist beyond death as anything more than "let's just be friends," which is, of course, what couples say when one dumps the other.

We can bridge our homosexuality and, being gay, find real passion for our wives. I now know this is true and real.

Parallel Mormon I think that, though your intentions are well meant, it is naive of you to assume that God wants me to marry a woman. In each instance where I could have gotten married in the past, I would have had to manipulate feelings and people to achieve something that the Church has told me I ought to do (in general). Furthermore, God never has told me to get married. I have NEVER once heard God's voice tell me to marry a woman. Even in those god-given friendships with some of the most wonderful and saintly women it always felt spiritually wrong to pursue a relationship that would advance into marriage.

So where you say that the Lord will prepare a way for us to accomplish that which he has commanded I agree. I just know he's never commanded me to get married.

Take it a step further, doesn't Alma 34:34 say "that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Do we know that our homosexual feelings will go away in the eternal world? Why is that important to know? Why would it be important for them to go away? Where in scripture is this backed up in correlation with what the modern prophets have said? I just don't know. But does it matter?

Whats more is that (as far as I am aware, I may be speaking ignorantly) nowhere, except the Bible, do LDS scriptures expressly condemn homosexuality. In fact they are silent on the matter. Joseph Smith is not known to have spoken on the matter. Even so, in the Old Testament where they condemn homosexuality, there are many practices that were condemned by death or stoning that now under the Gospel are not seen as unholy or sinful. So how are we to know that the modern prophets just don't know and are acting on limited information?

And lastly the Church does not necessarily encourage mixed-orientation marriage -emphasizing my point that perhaps it would be unwise for me to marry a woman.

President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.

President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems. (Click here for more)

So what is the Church's stance on mixed orientation marriage? By interpretation, I believe they do not encourage it, yet under the circumstances that a couple weighs the possibilities without false pretense and prayerfully decides to unite in marriage the Church does not discourage it.

I, however, have not felt a great attraction to a daughter of God in so far as to inspire me to pursue marriage. I want to make it clear that I am not saying that no one should enter a mixed orientation marriage. You state in your blog that you have attraction to your wife. Perhaps there is more bisexuality in your orientation than in mine. Parallel Mormon, your marriage may be exactly what God wants and intends for you and your family and it might not be. Perhaps it is irrelevant to God. But I have no place to tell you what will or will not work for you. I support your marriage. I hope that it works out for you. I believe that if it is right, absolutely God will sustain your marriage.

Your attractions to men obviously are a big enough deal in your life to cause you to blog about it and to share the reality of it with your wife. Thoughts of leaving your marriage were out-of-the-question for you... You cannot only think for yourself. You have children in addition to your wife.

It may be moot to say so, but you were not honest with your wife when you married her. She didn't know that you had attractions to men. Had the two of you discussed this and weighed all options out, perhaps your fledgling relationship may not have lasted. In your blog you mention that you didn't tell your wife for fourteen years. You obviously knew that you were attracted to men the whole time. Do you think that maybe you were marrying her in hopes that it would be a therapeutic step? But most importantly, what caused you to be dishonest with her in the first place? As for me, I could not enter such a marriage without being completely honest. I need to be clear that I am not saying that I will never marry a woman, but rather that I do not see it anywhere on my horizon. Essentially what works for one person might well not work for another. Where your marriage is working great for you, such a situation may not for me.

God has always given commandments in conflict for the betterment of his children.

Adam and Eve to procreate and yet not partake of the fruit that will make it possible.
Nephi to slay Laban that he might obtain the record of his people yet it was murder.
Abraham to offer Issac as a sacrifice yet Issac was to be the fulfillment of prophecy and the heritage of Abraham's lineage.

God may well tell you to get married to a woman and not me. When you decided to get married did God tell you to deceive your wife by not telling her about your attractions? If you could do it all over again would you have told your wife at the onset of your relationship that you had homosexual inclinations? What have you learned from all of this tremendous experience?

Thanks, Parallel Mormon, for your comment and allowing me to expand these ideas. For every answer there are a thousand more questions. May God bless you and your wife.

Just Do What Feels Like Fun

2007-09-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

So I've not posted in awhile and there has been so much on my mind. I have gone through some really stressful times here recently... I roll with the punches pretty well, but overall, I've been on overload. I found a place to live upon returning to UT and by chance two of my three roommates are gay. I'll post more about that another time though.

I had an interesting conversation with one of them moments ago that struck me as noteworthy.

Caspian: You know, I really need to start moving towards my goals. I mean, I really believe that I have a purpose in life. I have things that I am supposed to do. I mean, I really need to finish school and there are so many things that distract me.

Flyboy: Yeah, I used to be stressed out about school, but I don't worry about it anymore.

Caspian: I guess I just believe that everyone has a mission in life... something that only I can accomplish... I feel like I really need to get a move on and meet my goals.

Flyboy: I used to believe that too and I was all worried, but now I just do what I want to and have fun.

Caspian: I just feel that for me, I need to accomplish certain things. Like by accomplishing these things I will have a truly fulfilling life.

Flyboy: We're only 25, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Caspian: Yeah of course, but still, you only live once and I have so many things I need to do.

Flyboy: Yeah well I didn't graduate and I just do what feels right and have fun. I don't worry about anything else. I just do what feels like fun.

I really don't want to end up not accomplishing my life goals... sometimes I scare myself because I wonder why I don't care about somethings that fundamentally and morally should be part of my life... Other times, I freak out by the idea of someone binding me down with dogmas that only make me feel bad about who I am. At the same time it seems like the harder I try to move toward a goal or an ideal, the further away from them I find myself. Flyboy is a good person and a good roommate, but I cannot let go of my mission in life simply because it's hard. Hearing what he said sent chills up my spine. I must, absolutely must, become the person I was meant to become... I just fear that I don't have the intestinal fortitude to accomplish what I was made to accomplish. I don't want to waste my life having fun or doing what feels nice. I want to live and breathe and make a difference in this world. There are too many distractions along the way... and I fear getting stuck somewhere and one day waking up and finding myself so far away from my goals and dreams with so much time passed that it will be impossible to go back and become what God has made me capable of becoming.

Getting Married (To a Woman)

2007-08-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

As I have previously posted, I've had the opportunity to get married on a couple different occasions. I know, that if I had just asked, she would have said yes. But I think getting married is a really bad idea for me. Even with being honest with my wife and talking openly with her about my feelings, I would feel trapped. It may be naive of me to say so, but some of my past experience has shown me otherwise.

As I have slowly come out to my closest friends and my family members I have felt a tremendous relief of pressure felt from living a double life. It has helped me to realize that I can make the choice of lifestyle I want to live independent of anyone else. I know that regardless of which direction I take my life, my family and closest loved ones will support me. I really puts me in neutral social territory to make such a decision.

If I were to marry a woman I would not have the luxury of sharing my feelings of homosexuality in a natural and healthy way. If I were to have a close friend and desired to share with him the reality of my homosexuality, I would need to consult my wife first because my orientation would affect my wife significantly. Take it a step further; we would share similar social circles. Being openly in a mixed orientation marriage would provide a very awkward situation for my wife. What's more, what if I have children? It's one thing if your parents are an openly gay same-sex couple, but it's another when it's a mixed orientation marriage and it's a semi-closeted situation. There are so many variables when you bring a spouse and family into the picture.

Maybe I am being too quick to judge the difficulty of dealing with my homosexual feelings in a marriage situation. I will say this much though, since I have made peace with being gay, told my family about my orientation, and adjusted into a lifestyle that is moving out, I have found that I am less neurotic, not obsessed with pornography, and the unspeakable "M" word is not really such a big deal. I feel more authentic with myself and a closing gap in the dichotomies of being gay and in the church. I feel like I am progressing as a person and generally I am happy. Were I to move a step forward into marriage would I have to deal with that emotional roller coaster again? I don't want to move in and out of depression and sometimes feeling like I am on the verge of mental and emotional collapse. It wasn't healthy when I was completely closeted and it wouldn't be healthy for me to closet myself again for the sake of a wife. It's not fair for a woman to be married to a man like me no matter how great I am.

And then, to throw the last log onto the fire, I want to state very clearly, I am really not very interested in having sex with a woman, much less regular sex with a woman. Sorry, I am gay and that's that. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Heaven knows I tried. I'm interested in having sex with a man.

In other news and somewhat off topic, I just wanted to post a little bit about the guy I've been seeing out here. He is so awesome. I've really been enjoying this relationship. I cannot stress enough how comfortable it is. It is drama-free, easy, and honest. We are so much alike in so many ways. We have the same interests, philosophies, and personality types. I am really sad though because it is going to end very soon when I move back to Utah in 2 weeks. I am a little bit scared and nervous about the pending break-up. There is still so much to explore in our relationship and I feel like it is prematurely going to end. Even if I was to stay out here though, the relationship would have to end because he has a 6 year commission with the army in a month. I just wish things weren't going to end this way.

Losing

2007-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I hate losing. I don't think it's ever a good thing to be a sore looser, but I won't lie; I hate losing more than I like winning. It has always been this way with me, but I don't think it's a healthy attitude to have and I think it is representative of something much deeper in me. It's the whole reason I never really got into competitive sports even though I know that physically I could perform well. And just like all other obstacles I face, It's all in my head.

In one of my sales books that I've been reading I gained some insight into this phenomenon that has stifled my success for some time. Carl Lewis, arguably the greatest track and field athlete of all time and nine-time Olympic gold medalist, was and excellent example of this. After his last event in the 1996 summer Olympics in Atlanta, when he won the gold medal on his final attempt in the long jump, the sportscaster asked, "Mr. Lewis, what were you thinking about just before you jumped?" As it turned out, Carl Lewis wasn't thinking about medals, money or any of the accolades that would come from a victory. Instead, he said his primary motivation was that his family was in the stadium and he didn't want to disappoint them by losing his final Olympic event.

The fear of failure is a powerful influence. Imagine what would happen if a pack of German Shepherd dogs were actually chasing the Olympic athletes down the track toward the finish line. That would certainly motivate me to run faster. People are motivated differently -and while some are motivated by a positive reward, some are motivated by negative aversion. While the book remains neutral on whether or not being motivated by positive or negative results are arbitrarily "good" or "bad," in my personal situation, I think being motivated by German Shepherds is damaging to me. I won't compete against someone else in something if I think I will loose or that there is a good possibility of failure.

I don't play video games for this reason. Video games are designed for you to loose several times over and over again until you can get a little bit further in the game and then you loose and loose again until you get a little bit further and so on until ultimately you conquer the game. Loosing the first time or two is aversion enough to keep me from playing again.

Every morning in my office at work we sit around a big table and have our sales meeting. Half-way through the meeting we clear the table, put up a little net, and play a half hour to forty five minute ping-pong tournament. I always loose. Not because I can't be good at ping-pong, but because I don't want to loose so badly that I psych myself out to the point of loosing on the first round. Then I sit there and watch all of my coworkers play and have a good time for the remainder of the meeting while I sit and feel sorry for myself. I know, it sounds lame, but this has always been the case with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't let it ruin my day, but it's something important to note about myself.

In terms of my sales it also affects me. I have done alright this summer in terms of sales. It can really be a struggle at times. Though I am not at all where I hoped I would be in terms of my personal sales goals, I am in the top 40 percent of my office. The company will periodically throw out sales incentives that are really great. Some of this summer's incentives have been money, I-Pods, Nintendo Wiis, digital camera, Skull Candy headphones, and a cruise. I have won nothing. I've come close a couple times. But I didn't win anything while virtually every one of my coworkers have won at least something. I think the most I've won is $11. I don't want to be bitter about it, but why can't I win something sometime?

How did I get this way? It's not like I enjoy loosing, but I think it's the aftermath of several years of self doubt and personal struggle. I am confident in most things nowadays. I'm not scared of strangers or knocking on someone's door and selling them my product. I'm not afraid of performing on stage or speaking my mind. I enjoy challenge and pushing myself into new experiences. But when it comes to competition, I get very uncomfortable. I believe if I can change my loser's paradigm to a winners paradigm, I will win every time. But I don't know how to change that. Perhaps it's just a matter of forcing myself into the uncomfortable competition and hanging on until I get used to loosing. Regardless, at least I recognize this about myself. Acknowledgment is the first step I suppose.

Doctrine of Happiness

2007-08-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a whole lot lately about the concept of happiness. Mostly in light of the path that I am pursuing, but also in light of some of the recent posts by some bloggers. (Gimple, Stripping Warrior, Elbow, Young Stranger, Forrester) Everyone wants to be happy including me. The pursuit of happiness can be found in almost everything we do -our jobs, school, relationships, goals, hobbies, religion, morals, etc. Yet if everything we do in essence is in some way related to our overall happiness why are so many people unhappy? Shouldn't we be experts on the subject by now?

I think there is a misconception about happiness. People all too often view happiness as if it were a physical tangible gift that comes to you on account of the things you do with your life. I do no believe that happiness is a destination or a place. It's not like we make a choice and then suddenly we say, "Okay, I've arrived! I'm happy now!" Rather, happiness is a progression, a journey, a way of life. I believe that happiness is dependent upon progression or achievement. When I say achievement, I don't mean, winning a medal, getting a job, making a friend, or having a talent discovered and becoming famous. It is the attitude towards earning the achievement that makes one's journey to the achievement full of happiness.

A couple months ago I met a couple that were about to celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary. What an achievement! They were a happy couple. They did everything together. I could tell, though time had seasoned their minds with cloudiness of age, their love for eachother was strong as ever. I doubt that on the day of their 65th anniversary they turned to eachother and said, "At last! We are truly happy!" Yet so often I hear people say, "I will be happy when I get this or that. If I can just change this about myself then I will be happy. When I get to this destination in life, then I will be happy." I believe that this concept fools people into unhappiness.

It fools people into unhappiness because it is not the achievement itself that brings happiness, but rather the journey itself can truly be a happy one if we let it. For me, when I make mistakes and do self destructive behaviors it is usually on account of shortsightedness or an unmet need. But through it all, I can still choose to be happy. Wherever or whatever the situation is, I can choose to be happy.

For me, happiness is dependent upon progression. Again, not the progression of achievement, but the progression of who I am, my character, and my calling in life. Achievement is merely a mile marker in that positive progression. Because of that, no one can tell me what will make me happy.

If I can choose to love myself independent of my actions though; love myself as God loves me, then my weakness can be overcome. And when I have overcome the weakness or the trial or made the achievement, it is not the arrival of the reward that makes it all worthwhile, but rather the journey.

Thats why life is hard. Heaven wouldn't be worthwhile if it was just a matter of hanging on long enough to make it from birth to death. Yet so many people treat their membership in the Church with much of the same sentiment. "If I can just hang on and white-knuckle my way through the Church and fulfill my calling, read my scriptures, be obedient, etc. then I will get the reward!" Or in other words as long as I keep trying to be obedient to the Church then someday I will achieve my happiness. Don't get me wrong. I'm not dissing obedience. I'm speaking about happiness. Happiness comes from within. It is independent of any of life's variables. Sin and disobedience are natural parts of mortality and therefore sorrowing over it does little good. Pick up, move on, and be happy.

The well quoted verse, Alma 41:10 states, ...wickedness never was happiness. I completely agree. But too often people reverse the statement and twist the meaning to say: Wickedness is unhappiness. Happiness is independent. Alma was speaking of the resurrection and the restoration being restored to happiness or in other words being restored unto exaltation. If you take it in the context that it is so often portrayed in the church, no, wickedness never was happiness, but neither was righteousness. Happiness is independent.

"Most people measure their happiness in terms of physical pleasure and material possession. Could they win some visible goal which they have set on the horizon, how happy they could be! Lacking this gift or that circumstance, they would be miserable. If happiness is to be so measured, I who cannot hear or see have every reason to sit in a corner with folded hands and weep. If I am happy in spite of my deprivations, if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith, so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life, — if, in short, I am an optimist, my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing." Helen Keller in Optimism

I could sit in the corner and fold my arms and say, "I'm Gay and I'm Mormon! Nothing I can do will change that and consequently I am going to be unhappy with it." Or I can choose to be optimistic and make something of myself.

I've been asking myself a lot lately, "Am I happy? Am I really, truly happy?" I had a conversation with my mom about a week ago about this. Certainly I wish that there were certain aspects of my life that were more perfect. I bet Helen Keller would have liked to be able to see and hear. I would like to be straight. But my happiness is not dependent upon that. Neither was hers. If happiness is not dependent upon my circumstances then it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. I'm glad to be me because I can be happy. I am not the only one in life who suffers with less than perfect circumstances. I can learn and grow in the life that God gave me and I can be happy. I'm not just saying this to convince myself or out of an obligation to convince others but truly because I believe it and I feel it to be true.

So then, am I happy? I really think I am. It's not like a big roller coaster either where one week I'm happy and the next week I suffer, but over all I've been steady. I feel great about life. I feel good about the direction I'm moving and the changes I'm making. Life is really good. I am happy.

River of Life

2007-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

There is a reason why I like sales. I am not a salesman because I want to be in sales as a career, especially door-to-door. However there is a reason why I did it last year, why I am doing it this year and why I plan on doing it next year too.

I have learned so much from this job. It has really been a blessing in that regard. I don't think that I am out here because of money. Granted, I wouldn't have ever joined this sales team if I didn't think I would make money, but I am out here because of the paradigm shift. I know that if I can learn to be successful at this job, I can be successful at anything in life. This job has been one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had and been very emotionally stressful. However, I keep telling myself, If I can believe in myself, believe in me and have confidence, nothing can stop me. When I had left Provo in April I was still somewhat emotionally unsure of so many things. I have really regained myself out here this summer.

I believe that life is like a river, wild and flowing. God chooses our river of life and we must ride it. Some people choose to paddle against the current. I used to do that. I believed that if I paddled hard enough against the current that somehow I would be placed in a different river with a different boat. That was silly of me. After I came to the realization that my river, my life, was chosen for me by God, I no longer tried to fight Him nor His plans for me in my life I went through a phase of exhaustion. I was tired of paddling and angry at God for putting me in such a difficult raging river. My canoe could hardly float at times because of how much water I had taken on. I allowed myself to spin and crash into rocks and capsize several times this last fall and winter. I hated life at times. Why couldn't I have a speed boat or a yacht and be in a calm, deep, and wide river? Fatigued, I believed that if there were sharp rocks or a waterfall in my path on my river that I must succumb to my fate. Life was destiny for me. I allowed life to happen to me rather than make life happen for me. Things became very difficult for a time.

This summer I learned that while I cannot choose my river and I cannot choose my obstacles in my river, I can choose to paddle my canoe. God has given me the strength, the mind, and the ability to ride the chosen river he has blessed me with. Rocks will inevitably come, sometimes calm eddies, other times raging rapids and other boaters who will push me into troubled waters. Ultimately I can avoid the most dangerous and troublesome situations if I use my common sense and learn to master this river, enjoy the ride, and be grateful that I was given a canoe instead of just an inner tube or a couple of floaties! It doesn't mean that I can change the landscape of my river, but the greatest challenges can be avoided with experience, prayer, friends, love, and a little bit of strength and technical maneuvering.

In essence, this job has taught me so much about paddling my canoe. I'm feeling more secure, level headed and happy now than I have in a really long time. I have regained so many goals and rebuilt my dreams to a great extent. I won't lie and say that there are times when I still wish I had that yacht or a calmer river, but I am grateful for my experience and glad to be me. There were times last fall when I really came close to jumping out of my canoe all together. It was a scary place to be mentally. I had worked so hard to earn my GPA and get through school and I felt like all my work was for nothing because I was destined to drown. I feel alive again though. I feel like I can again start working towards fulfilling my life mission and being truly happy. I cannot wait to see what lies just around the next bend in the river. Good things will come my way.

Exatly My Point

2007-07-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here is some proof for iwonder that the US and Canada are the same. :-P

Telling the truth... again

2007-07-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

t has been an interesting past few weeks out here in Virginia. As I had already mentioned previously I have met someone out here. It has been going remarkably well too. I think both of us were caught off guard with how well things are going. Neither of us are in a position to be seeing anyone here because I am moving back to UT in seven weeks and he is going into the army in October. I think both of us kind of recognized that maybe we should just be friends... which sucks. He is so awesome.

On a different note, I finally came out to my sister. I had decided not to tell my sister about me for a long time because she is married to the most in-the-bubble Mormon guy ever. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, but not only is he so far into the conservative bubble, but he is so different than my family. I grew up in a fairly liberal family as far as Mormons are concerned. He grew up with a stake president for a father. His parents go to the temple 3-4 times a week. They are all super nice and super shiny people. But very much out of touch with reality. Frankly, I've never really been fond of my brother in law. I mean, I don't dislike the guy but he is so different in every way from me. I talk to my sister about going on vacation and she says that when she and her husband discuss it, he always says, "We could spend $2000 on vacation or we could get hardwood floors in the dining room and living room. Then when we sell the house we can get it back in equity." The truth is, he is too damn practical.

So my sister is a lot like me. She is a go getter and full of life. She has dreams. However the man that she married really puts a damper on her own personal progression and how she feels she was meant to grow. The truth is, my sister never wanted to get married... and if she did, it wouldn't have been until she was well into her thirties and maybe only have one child. She always dreamed of traveling the world and getting an education and joining the Peace Corps of something like that. My sister asked her husband, "If you had to move to any foreign country, which country would it be?" "Canada," he replied. From that simple question a huge argument that lasted 2 days developed. That ought to give you a pretty good idea as to how different they are from each other.

I had wanted to tell my sister a while back but I myself was still trying to understand everything much less try to help someone else understand it all. Whats more, I didn't want her to tell her husband. If he knew that I am gay he wouldn't let me be with my nephews alone because he would think that I was a molester or a pervert or something. He is very homophobic and is one of those people that thinks it's contagious or something. My sister agreed that she won't tell her husband because in her words, "It would be the end-all of [the] marriage."

The reason why it would be so bad on their already strained marriage is because my sister is in TOTAL support of me. In fact, when I told her the words, "I am a homosexual" she immediately said that she had just earlier in the week had a conversation with her best friend about homosexuality and the Church and how such members really have no way to fit in the Church. She understands that there is nothing that can be done for me to change this and that there is no easy answer for me.

I could go on and on forever about the parallels between my sister and I in terms of our personal revolution in our paradigms and religious views. But I will basically say this much: We have gone through some significant changes and we are in the process of revising. This however will cause some major changes for the surroundings in which we find ourselves. In my sisters situation, she has a husband to educate and marriage to mend, if it is indeed salvageable and deal with the aftermath. I have to bear the challenge of coming out of the closet and deal with the aftermath.

It was an awesome experience to talk to my sister. It got both of our minds reeling about so many things and the conversation lasted nearly 3 hours and if we had cared to, it would have lasted longer. It feels great to have another family member on my side now. I only have one more sibling to tell, I still don't know when, but I will. All in all, it was the best coming out experience thus far. It brought us infinitely closer together and repaired a lot of the distance that developed because of her husband and the bubbles that we buried ourselves into..

I'm so tired, but I had to finish this post and get it up. I hope is is quality.

-Cas

Burdened

2007-07-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm tired of carrying this burden. I don't even have the strength to empty my thoughts onto my keyboard and into the bloggosphere. I'm just gonna roll over and hope that morning brings some promise of a better day. But I'm not crossing my fingers nor holding my breath.

-Caspian

Man-Flirting

2007-07-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

It has always been a confusing situation for me. You know how guys are sometimes... they will flirt with eachother. I mean, completely straight guys. They will joke about being gay or doing gay things with their friends. I don't even know if flirting is the right word. Regardless, it has always been something that has perhaps been a little confusing for me because I don't know where to draw the line. Is this guy genuinely flirting with me? Is he just being goofy?

When I was in high school I had a friend that used to man-flirt. I really thought he was cool. He was older than me, was in a band, and he reeked of coolness and oh yeah, I thought he was hella cool. I don't know if the crush developed because he was cool and a good friend or if it was because of his man-flirtings. Of course nothing ever came of it, but I am left wondering if he actually had attractions for me.

I have awesome roommates. It's a really good situation. I have one roommate who I am particularly fond of. I'll call him Blond. He has become my new best friend. We work together and carpool together every day. It's become a mutually strong friendship and at the end of the summer both of us will be disappointed that we will be going separate ways. However, a very peculiar man-flirting element to the friendship has developed. Sometimes it is physical, sometimes it is verbal. It's never grotesque. For example. We'll be riding in the car together in the back seat. He will have his arm up on the back of the seat with his hand resting behind my head. He will tickle my ear or stroke my hair. Sometimes he'll give me a big hug or walk with his arm draped over my shoulder.

The first time I ever noticed any sort of attraction was one time when we were sitting in the back seat of a car and looking up at the night sky through the hatch back window. Then in some how we both looked at eachother at the same moment and made intense eye contact. It was one of those moments where you would have gone in for the kiss. It was surprising because I don't think either of us were expecting such a moment to have arrived.

Another time when we were sitting in the back seat of the car he grabbed my leg and leaned into me. I put my arm around him and gave him a hug. He pulled back because, like all man-flirting, it's just for fun and not serious. Right? Then with a joking tone he said, "What if I really was gay, would that weird you out?" I looked at him and furrowed my brow and said, " Ummm. No." But I should have really asked him the same question.

Last night Blond and I decided to rent a movie. It was just him and me in the apartment and we decided to pull out the hide-a-bed from the couch and pull it right up to our new 48 inch plasma screen (which by the way, I've become quite fond of). We sat there watching the movie, eating snacks and laughing. One of my other roommates came home and decided to join us on the bed. Blond moved over and instead of just moving out of his way, he snuggled right up to me and spooned. I was quite surprised. He only remained that way for a few moments before laughing and moving and returning his attention to the movie.

Earlier that night when he and I had gotten ready to go rent the movie he had gone upstairs to shower and I was waiting for him. I had called up to him to see how soon he would be ready and there was no answer so I went up stairs myself to find him. He opened the bathroom door with his towel on. I said, "Dude, hurry up. Blockbuster is gonna close." He went back into his room and I started talking to my other roommate. Blond decided to get my attention by shouting from the other side of the upstairs (we live in a large 3 story town home). So I turned around and walked back to his room where he "accidentally" exposed himself to me.

So I don't know how to interpret all of this. I don't think he is gay, but maybe just a little curious. It would be one thing if he man-flirted with everyone, but he doesn't. Even my brother said, "You and Blond have a really weird friendship." Which by interpretation means, "I think you guys are kind of acting gay together." If he is gay, he is planning on being with a woman based upon other things I've heard him say. So if he is gay, then, he isn't ready to be gay. So I just don't know how to react around him. Regardless he is a good friend and above all I want it to stay that way. I mean, because if he is straight and would have suspected in the least that I am gay, then I think it would have made him exceptionally uncomfortable to man-flirt with me, even in jest. And I don't want to be one of those gay guys who assumes that every guy is gay or has some sort of gay tendency. It's just weird.

You Can Meet Me On The Corner Of...

2007-07-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help it. I had to take the picture. Honestly, who planned these neighborhoods here in Virginia?

...Is For Lovers

2007-07-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

They say that Virginia is for lovers. I don't know why, but it is I guess. It's just what they say out here. Upon arriving here I had my doubts that Virginia was even for me much less lovers, but I actually have really come to love it here on the East Coast. But to take it a step further, I have actually met someone that I am quite interested in.

I took a tour of a prestigious university and their political science department out here. He was there working in admissions and had just graduated with a BA in Political Science. Thats basically how we met. He is awesome though. It's really casual between him and me and there are no expectations. He is one of the kindest people I've ever met. He treats everyone really well. He's just super nice and good looking to boot. He played rugby on scholarship there at his university when he told me that, I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was pretty hot. He's one of those guys that you'd never guess in a million years that he was gay. Anyway for the last 2 weeks or so we've been seeing eachother and it's been really fun. We both know that at the end of the summer I'm moving back to Utah and he is going to be entering the Army so I know eventually it will have to come to an end. I'm trying to stay somewhat emotionally unattached as possible because he is really a one-in-a-billion kind of guy.

On a separate note though, I've never fully posted what my decision is -the three great options I have to choose between. Celibacy. Marriage. Homosexuality. I've dated girls, I've been single for great lengths of time, and the only one that I had not really looked into until last fall as an option was homosexuality. For now, I am looking at what life for me would be like as an open homosexual. I believe that my life was meant to figure out and if I were to choose any one of those options I could always turn my boat around if it wasn't working out in that direction. I've seen it done before. Both John Galt and Elbow have changed their directions a couple times. Who says I can't either?

At the same time though, when I've read John's blog I am almost sick to my stomach when I think about the situation he was in. It was such an unfair choice for him to make. His blog is partially deleted and I've followed it closely over the last year or so. He had to choose between living his life with the perfect fairy-tale love of his life -a man that he met while on business and his wife, kids, and religion. If you've ever read his blog, it's heart-wrenching. How can a person be made to choose something like that? It's just not fair. I read his blog and I am really sad that he had to make the choice to stay with his wife and kids.

When I read Elbow's blog, it's just the opposite. Elbow is leaving his wife. He was faithful and tried as hard as he could to make things work out. If you've ever read his blog you'll see that he tried and worked to the point of serious pain and suffering for he and his wife to honor his marriage commitment. In the end, however, it was better for them to separate. When I read his blog I am really sad that a marriage did not work out for him.

Both of these spectacular people have made the choice that works best for them and in NO way do I have any right to say what would be best for them in their given situations. I am like the fly on the wall and the truth is, if Elbow had decided to stay married, I would be sad that he was not able to express his homosexuality and that he was married. If John had decided to leave his wife and kids, I would be sad that he had abandoned his marriage.

In the same way for myself, whatever the outcome is, I will be sad for that which will never be.

Where is God?

2007-06-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

I woke up Sunday morning at 3:00. It had been a rough Saturday and I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I was not in a good place mentally. My mind had been reeling all night long in my sleep and I had little peace.
Choices. I was exhausted mentally and physically. My whole body hurt and I could hardly conceive making good choices for my life while feeling so displaced. Surrounded by darkness. What woke me up? Something familiar. A song. I could hear a song. Beautiful. Angles in a place so far from heaven? No, not a song. A hymn. I was mournfully reminded that far too much time had passed since last feeling the voice of angles in my heart. Where has inspiration gone? Why do I get the feeling that God hears my prayers and responds with a simple "Thats nice, thanks for sharing." I had not been to Church in nearly two months and it has been nearly a year or more since I really felt anything worthwhile in church anyway. Where did God go and why did he leave me without answers? And why on some random Sunday morning did he decide to visit me in my worried sleep?

Perhaps then, God is reaching out to me. I decided to go to church. I canceled my Sunday plans and got ready to go. I cannot describe the disjunct I still feel there. Maybe I don't want God to give me answers. Then again, I can't imagine there being a satisfactory answer to all of this anyway. There will always be this empty place in my heart. I've made peace with being gay. I understand that I have unique perspective because of my experience as a result of my homosexuality. Not that my homosexuality has gifted me with inherent perspective, but rather that everything from my reparitive therapy experience, to rebuilding my relationship with my parents, to struggling with the church, to coming out to some, to loosing myself esteem and regaining it despite my imperfect life... All of it has shaped who I am. But I cannot live my life without revisiting the sorrow for that which will never be.

I have lied to myself by saying that I don't want to get married and have children. Like the Fox and the Grapes, I say to myself, "I didn't really want those grapes anyway." Certainly there are some benefits to living the single life. I am responsible to no one but myself. I am free to come and go. I can build my life around my own routines and set my own goals independently. But I won't deny that there are somethings that I could gain from having a traditional marriage and I sorrow that it will never be. I will never be accepted legitimately by most of the LDS world being single or in a same-sex relationship. How can I ever expect to feel comfortable in the LDS church when everything is so focused on marriage and family -something I am quite confident will never happen for me.

Why does homosexuality even exist? Perhaps this is an unfair question for me to ask God. If the Church is indeed true, then how come I have so many problems with it? If the Church is true, then why must I not be able to have this ONE thing, the most basic fundamental part of Mormon doctrine fulfilled for me? I understand that there are some people in the Church who don't suffer with homosexuality that never get married, but it's ABSOLUTELY going to be impossible for me to get happily married and stay happily married as I see it now. I've taken a break from complaining about being gay for several months, but I'm revisiting my sorrow for feeling that I've been gypped in life.

I know, I know... everything gets worked out in the Millennium. It's the best doctrine the church ever came up with, because if they don't have an answer, they just shift it all over to the Millennium as if it would wet my mouth just enough to promise quenching refreshment in this desert of a life.

I know that some people will always be denied certain blessings in life. My father will never have a father. He comes from a broken home and his father(s) have done nothing for him. He can hardly make it through the movie Frequency without going to pieces. Anything father-son oriented breaks his heart because he never had a father. That piece will always be missing for him and nothing he does will ever fill that void. Some people are wheelchair bound and will never experience a romantic relationship, and no matter what they do, they will always be stuck in their situation. Even if they make peace with being handicapped, they will still be single and that will always prick their hearts. I'm not debating trials in general, but as for me, I feel like I am a whole person and why shouldn't I fulfill my void if it is something I can fill? Or is it like an hourglass and shifting sand from one side to the other will still, always leave an empty side. If I am in a gay relationship, I will always long to be in the Church and married. If I am in the Church (married or not) I will still always feel cheated in life that I am not fulfilling my orientation.

Maybe I am just blaming the Church right now because I have no one else to blame for my frustration and God doesn't seem to react when I shout to him, but the Church will.

Fast and Testimony meeting was lame. There were the usual show-off self-proclaimed holy men and the overly analogous women mixed in with a couple heartfelt sentiments every now and again. Sunday school was dominated by facts without relevance. Priesthood meeting was well scripted as it consisted of a good hour of manual reading with intermittent opinion. The only thing that seemed to hold any relevance to anything was the closing hymn -which happened to be the very hymn that woke me up at 3:00 that morning.

Destiny

2007-06-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

I used to believe that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind and heart to. I am not the most gifted student, but I believed that I could work hard and earn good grades. I worked my tail off and over the course of two years of school I was able to maintain a 3.75 GPA. I wanted to travel over seas. I saved my money up and was able to live in a remote country in a place where few foreign visitors ever travel. I studied a foreign language. I took a challenging job. I stretched my musical abilities and was competitive and was awarded a scholarship. I involved myself in leadership and service activities and took on anything that challenged me. I problem-solved and always found a solution. I had little spare money but I was able to always find a creative way to make my ends meet. I was completely active in church. I was a leader. I relied on prayer and faith that I could change anything in my life. I was in complete control. I had my "big secret" that I was gay, but I believed that I could also change that. I followed all of the textbook counsel from the Church on how to change and cope with being LDS and gay. I joined Evergreen. I was devout and read my scriptures endlessly. I was a leader in my LDS peer group and was seen as the "example." I even went so far as to set my phone alarm to go off twice a day every day during times when I knew I would be able to stop everything and pray. I believed that if I could prove to God that I was devout he would heal me. I fully believed that I had the ability to change everything and anything in my life that I wanted to. I really believed that if I could show God how committed I was to the Church and "choosing the right" that he would take away my homosexuality or at least put it to rest so that I could fall in love with a woman and get married.

However everything in last fall came crashing down when I realized that there was nothing within my power to change my sexual orientation and that God really didn't intend to change my orientation. The one thing that I wanted to change more than anything, I realized, was in fact, an inherent part of the life that God created. [By that I mean, God intended this to be part of my mortal experience] I learned that there are many things that I just will have to live with and that I cannot change. It was a traumatic realization for me. All of my life goals and aspirations came into question as a result of this paradigm shift. This realization caused me to loose hope.

But I didn't give up on life and I learned some valuable lessons from this experience. I learned to not stress out about life when it comes at me full force. Things happen to people and sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. And in many ways this was a healthy change for me and my paradigm. I learned that painful experience is just part of life and that I was not meant to white-knuckle my way through life but rather make peace with life and be positive. I became less pessimistic about life and for the first time I began to open my eyes to the reality of my mortal life. It was a positive change for me.
However, yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany about how I've changed. I realized that in the process of making peace with my life that I now look at life as destiny as a living, breathing, entity with its own agenda that I cannot control nor manipulate. I believed that my life really was beyond my control.

Essentially, I had been successful at so many things and had made so many changes in my life. Yet the one thing that I felt I needed to change, I could not change. I felt, in essence, like I had failed. Suddenly I realized that I was not as invincible to failed attempts at life choices and situations and I became terrified of failure again. I lost all desire, began to fail classes, and eventually withdrew from school; afraid that I would ruin my hard earned GPA. I began to question my life mission and nearly decided to settle for a mediocre life.

Things have gone really well over the last month or two and I have finally felt the return of many of my goals that I had lost. I am feeling more motivated, but not only do I have fear of failure, but also of success. Like I said, I used to believe that I could succeed in anything and I was pretty successful because of that belief. Knowing that I cannot achieve everything I set out to achieve makes me hesitant toward pro-activity when facing challenging situations and trials. It's easy for me to say, "Oh well, I couldn't help that things went this way or that... It's not my fault that I felt that way..." It's this false belief that "life happens to me" rather than "I'm in control of my life." I suppose then the truth is that there is probably a balance and harmony between the two. I just need to know how to find that balance.

I understand that I am the master of my own ship and that there is a thin balance between what I can control and cannot. It makes accountability very difficult because I must question how much control I have in any given situation. Obviously I cannot hold myself accountable for being gay. It's not my fault and I refuse to guilt myself for it. God intended me to have this in my life and I have a good life. I guess the question is then, how do I know what is in my power to control and what is not. Am I held accountable for deciding that I am done with repairative therapy? Is giving up on that a sin? I don't feel guilty for a lot of things I do because I don't let myself feel guilty. I know that guilt is a terrible motivation to accomplish something, but why work at something that you believe you have no control over. It's a gray area and I really don't even know if I am articulating what I am feeling. To sum it up, I don't know how much of my life I have control over and that which I do have control over I am afraid of failure or afraid of convincing myself into believing I can succeed only to find that I cannot.

Hard Work

2007-05-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. I'm really working hard towards my goals so that I can achieve the things I really want to. The unfortunate side effect is that I have little time to do much else than work work work. Sometimes it is overwhelming to work this much. I have so much I really want to say. I've just been so busy that I hardly have time and then when I do have time, I'm so exhausted mentally that I loose all desire to blog about the thought processes that roll around between my ears. I keep an active list of things I want to write about. In truth, I have nearly enough stuff I could expound on to write a whole book. But I thought I should at least state that I am alive and well and working hard. There is never a moment's rest out here. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't worthwhile.

Responsible For YOUR Choices

2007-05-03T02:35:00.000-07:00

It's 5:00 in the morning. I should be sleeping right now. I have a long 12 hour day ahead of me. About 15 minutes ago I was aroused from my sleep to the sound of a guitar. It's not an uncommon thing to hear in my apartment as two of my roommates are rockstar wannabes. But at 4:45 in the morning? Usually I can sleep through anything pretty well but it woke me up. It wasn't a big deal. All I needed to do was just turn on the cold air return in my apartment and the white noise would drown out almost anything reasonable.

So I stood there in my underwear, eyes squinting in the artificial light from the kitchen. Immediately my nose was assaulted with the smell of cigarettes and alcohol. My kitchen smelled like a bar. My roommate along with one of my coworkers were up drinking.

Now I am no prude and I understand that if they want to drink it's their choice. This however puts me in a compromising situation. Alcohol is strictly forbidden in the apartment. The apartment is paid for and leased out by my employer. They make the rules. Already one of my coworkers got sent home for drinking in the apartment. It's no secret that it is against the rules. There is a reason for the rules. There is a reason why employers don't serve alcohol in the break room. My apartment is merely an extension of my office. It is the break room.

On Sunday my roommate approached me and asked if I would be upset if he drank in the apartment to which I replied, "Dude, I'm not gonna make that choice for you. I'm not gonna lie for you. If you want to drink that is your choice but I don't want to see it. I don't want to know about it. I don't want the responsibility. Think of the position you put me in by asking me to cover for you. I could get sent home for supporting you. I need this job and I need the money. If you are gonna drink that is your choice, but I don't want anything to do with it."

We also had a conversation previously where he had asked me if I ever drank. I have drank before. I've drank on a few occasions. But looking back, I really didn't care for the way it made me feel nor did I care for the way it tasted. I don't like the numbing feeling of humorous stupidity. I choose not to drink because I don't want alcohol in my life. He also knows that I am not an up tight Mormon who is afraid of anything out of the standard paradigm. I guess for him this was the green light.

See, I was trying to tell him that it has nothing to do with the morality of drinking itself, but rather the responsibility of loyalty to your job. It's not fair for him to ask me to hide his indiscretion and put my employment in peril. I shouldn't have to police his behavior. I shouldn't have to be responsible for his poor choices. It's just not fair. He worked for my employer last year too and got sent home for drinking in the apartment. Whats more is he is underage. He is still just 20. As for my other coworker, I don't know if he is underage.

I have to report both of them and I really don't want to. This has ruined my night. How can I be expected to sleep with all of this on my mind. I have a duty to do and I don't want to do it.

"Boy you guys are up late," I said. "I hit a second wind about an hour ago and we don't have to be at the office until 11:30 so... Did we wake you?" "Yeah you did, but it's no big deal." I replied, "I'll just turn on the fan and go back to bed."

I only wish it were that simple....

Being Gay

2007-05-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am Gay. What? Did you hear me? I said I AM GAY! Yeah so. Whats the big deal? Is it a big deal? I mean, really now, is it a big deal? Okay, I admit it, I'm gay. Lets move past it already. Puhleez!

It would seem to me that my homosexuality takes up a helluva lot more think time than it ought to and it's become an obsession I think. I mean I think about it a lot. Perhaps not directly but at least indirectly all the time. Is that normal or healthy? I think about the Church and my stance toward God. I think about how much I really just don't have answers for so many things I used to think I had answers for. I mean, I used to really believe so solidly in so many things that the Church teaches. Now, however, when I think of the standard church responses to the things that I face I think the answers seems too simple and inadequate for realities I face. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I just wonder if I am devoting too much time to being gay. I mean, do I think about it too much? Perhaps its kind of like sleep deprivation. When you finally get to sleep after having been forced to stay awake for so long you take several hours of sleep to make up for lost time for a long time. I've repressed dealing with my sexuality in the right way for so long that it's like breaking a dam that has held back a flood of emotion for so long that it's a huge relief to let it out. I rather enjoy my new found freedom in loving myself unconditionally and learning what it means to me to be gay. So maybe my obsession is just for the time being. But what if it's not. What if I will never settle into a normal peaceful routine with being gay. Must everything be about my sexuality? Because I don't want it to be. There is a lot more to me than my orientation. In the same way that I want the rest of the world to see me for who I am -more than homosexual- I want to see myself and live my life as more than homosexual. I just want a content life. I just want to settle into something comfortable. Maybe that's too much to ask for. (I am tempted to want to settle into something normal, but I never expected to settle for normalcy when I took on mortality. I want to live an extraordinary life and I will.)

Sometimes I like dealing with my homosexuality a lot. Is that weird? I like the association of my friends from the blog world and such. I like feeling like I've kind of been able to make more sense of something that everybody is trying to make sense of. Making friends with other gay people in the Church and discussing the realities we face has really added a new demension to my life that I enjoy. I mean, maybe I'm just being a little over optimistic. I mean my life is gonna be a lot harder as a gay man than otherwise. I have a lot of social, political, religious, and consequently emotional factors to work through that were it not for my homosexuality I might not ever consider. Dealing with this has not and is not going to be easy. Because of that it brings me back to the question, I will always be dealing with settling in as a homosexual or will I be able to live ?

Oh and by the way, apparently same sex marriages have been banned in Middle Earth.

Stereotyped

2007-04-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

I don't quite get it all. I mean, what it takes to be a gay man and everything. There are so many supposed stereotypes that I guess I'm supposed to fill that I just don't even know where to begin! I feel like a newly baptized member who just got called into the Relief Society presidency.

According to some of the recent comments amongst friends, family, and coworkers, apparently I am supposed to be more ummm... feminine? Is that the right word? Maybe just more gay or something. But I guess that makes me come back to the question, what does it mean to be gay?

I suppose I should explain some of the stupid conversations I have sat through that have spurred this angst.

First of all, I will confess. I am a salesman. It is my profession that gets me through school, pays my bills, and binds me to the world of working. Not only am I a successful salesman, but I do door-to-door sales. Yes, two years ago I found a good summer sales company to work for and it has really been good. For those readers in Provo, Rexburg, or any of you who have had experience with a summer sales recruiter or employee, you know a little of what I am talking about here. Since we are talking about stereotypes today, why stop with stereotyping fags? Typically these boys of summer are super confident. Generally half of them are pretty good looking with beautiful wives or girlfriends. They drive Hummers. They come from successful families with wealthy fathers. Republican. They love to make jokes about anything sexual. They're good at making and spending money. Oh, and they can be total ass holes sometimes. Thats their stereotype. How did I get mixed up with a bunch of guys that typically don't match my supposed gay stereotype?

The truth is, I am somewhat of a shape-shifter. I am far far from being a conformist, but I've learned how to make really good friends out of people who are pretty different than I am. From the emo punks to the jocks to the computer geeks. I have a wide variety of friends. I really refined that skill while serving my mission.

One of my coworkers (who just so happens to be my younger brother) told a somewhat amusing story of a guy to whom he had sold our product. This man, though not obvious in his mannerism, revealed his sexual orientation to my brother by his inappropriate flirtations and eventual proposal of a date. My brother, who is married, told this to the whole office during our morning meeting. I can understand how being straight and hit on by a gay man could be disturbing, disgusting and even humorous to him or a lot of the other guys. It was the jokes that ensued after that I found revealing. They joked about the man for a while -which was fine to laugh at the situation and all, but I realized that everyone just viewed him as some sort of pervert -a confused, misdirected man that only wants raw man-sex. Maybe he was, but the point of it all is that by extension through their jokes, commentary, and one-uppers they stereotyped all gay men as such. I realized that as much as I would like to be transparent and am confident enough to deal with people knowing (I think), to do so would be throwing myself to the wolves. Would my coworkers be afraid of me? What about those that have children? Would they view me as a child molester, a sex-crazed pervert, or someone with a disease that could spread to their children? I'm not any of those things.

Something Samantha Stevens said to me was that when you tell someone that you are a homosexual, you need to allow them the time to react. In the middle of the sales season with all the work, focus, inertia, and stress perhaps to throw this out on the table would be too much for me and even the closest of friends out here. The only one who knows is my brother. Even his wife doesn't know.

On Sunday, my boss and his wife, my brother and his wife, and I went to the beach for the afternoon. My boss's wife works in the mall in a trendy retail clothing store. Somehow in our conversation on the way back one of her gay coworkers came up in the conversation. She commented on how she hated having to work with all those gay men... then a comment about gay men working in clothing retail at the mall...

The one person whom I expected would stick up for me as a homosexual, my brother, really let me down. My brother in a disgusted tone said, "If I ever owned a clothing retail store I wouldn't hire gays to work there." My boss said, "But that's illegal. They have discrimination laws against that sort of thing. They'll take you to court."
"How would they know that it was because they are gay I didn't hire them? They couldn't prove anything."

I wanted to say, "Oh don't worry, Brother, I'd testify against you." But I didn't.

He went on to talk about feminine gay guys and their mannerisms and how much it bothered him. He spoke as if the obviously gay guys were lesser people because they were more effeminate in their persona. Basically he said it's okay to be gay as long as you don't act gay. I wont relate the whole conversation, but it really made me mad.

No, I myself don't find effeminate mannerisms attractive, but I can tolerate them. There are a lot of things I don't find attractive. I don't find obesity attractive, but I can still be friends with, love, and support an obese person. There are somethings that people cannot help. Maybe that's not a good example, but I think you get my point. Being effeminate isn't bad, just different.

I actually know a number of intolerant gay guys too. They act as if being effeminate were a bad thing... I mean, it's not my style, but they judge others. Aren't we free to pursue that which tickles our fancy within the bounds of moral law? Sure, when you see a flaming fabulous gay man you can't help but laugh sometimes, but to degrade someone else for any reason only serves to degrade yourself.

I know sometimes in the church, (especially in Elder's Quorum) there is a tendency to see who can be more conservative as if conservativeness could be equated with righteousness, but my brother isn't the type of guy to talk fluff to impress others. He is a thinker and doesn't say things that he doesn't mean. Thats why it hurt so much to hear him say what he did. I'm really close to my brother. I still have yet to talk to him about how angry he made me for saying everything he did.

I don't know... I guess I wish people could love people for who they are, not just for being Mormon, talented, good looking, or anything else.

Me, Myself, and Repairative Therapy

2007-04-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Now I know this post could easily stir up some lively controversy. This is not my intent. I am merely writing this to share more of me, where I have been, and what my experience with Reparative Therapy has been. I also recognize readily that this could easily be a display of my own ignorance and so I am also completely open to comments that disagree or share a differing point of view. But please, we are all trying to figure this out and we are all at different places with different histories, paradigms, personalities, and consequently different opinions. So please discussion and even friendly debate are welcome, but hostilities are not. Thanks, I love you all! :-)

When I first hit adolescence at age 12, I like most of us, began to notice that my attraction was to guys. I, also like many of you, was the most upright, faithful, sweet, obedient, righteous kid ever. I began keeping a dedicated journal in the 4th grade because that's what Mormons do. In the 5th grade I began to read my scriptures daily and in the 6th grade I was the first person in my whole family (extended and immediate) to ever read the Book of Mormon from beginning to end. I fulfilled callings in my quorums through adolescence and was active in my dysfunctional scout troop. I worked hard through high school and involved myself in everything. Choir, YMCA Mock Trial, student government, international club, German club, community service club, I was senior class VP, an active member of the State Association of Student Councils, and so much more. I really was a star student. But I was so insecure. A lot of it had to do with my big dirty secret.

I had attended a small private school through junior high. My 8th grade class had 6 students. When my parents couldn't afford to push me on into a private academy I went to the local public high school where I knew no one except my older sister. It was big, overwhelming, and I was socially intimidated. My parents became concerned with my struggles. I would come home and cry because of how alone I was and when I got picked on I always took it to heart. Children can be so cruel. A few months into my freshman year my parents approached me and asked if I would like to see a counselor. I eventually consented. Counseling was okay, but I wouldn't open up to the counselor... I wouldn't open up to anyone. I had read what the church had to say about homosexuality in The Miracle of Forgiveness. I had practically memorized that section. I was ashamed of me, I hated me. I wondered if I had made myself gay by masturbating and if I did, I knew I could never forgive myself for doing it. In fact, my seminary teacher had given a very inappropriate lesson on masturbation and homosexuality and how they were linked.

At 14 or 15 I went into see my bishop. He was a kind old man, a grandfatherly type. He was fairly uneducated having only completed the 3rd grade, but he was no stranger to life experience and loved everyone unconditionally. I went in and after a little bit of uncomfortable small talk I said, "Bishop, have you ever felt like you were cursed?" I couldn't look him in the eye and I broke down crying, sobbing with my head buried in my hands. My bishop didn't know what to do so he just sat there and waited for me to regain my composure. "Why do you think you have been cursed?"
"Bishop, I think I am..." I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. "...I think I'm gay." I had such a hard time saying that word. Just saying it made me sick to my stomach.
I don't remember what kind of kind counsel he offered me after that, but there was little that he could offer me. I firmly believed that God would provide an answer for me and that someday I would be married, live a normal life, and that someday these unwanted feelings would be gone.

Within a few months of talking to my bishop I told my counselor as well that I thought I was gay. My counselor in an overly casual manner said, "Oh that? It's no big deal. Have you ever acted out on your same-sex attraction?" Same-sex attraction was a phrase that I had not heard of before. But it became the word that I used instead of gay and the diagnoses of the disease I was fighting. "No, never." I said. "Good then, it will make it easier to change you since you aren't addicted to sex with men."

"This sort of thing happens all the time." My counselor said casually, "Completely curable. We can do a number of things in here and I'll give you a variety of assignments and we'll solve this one for you." He sent me home with a number of books to read. All of them were about homosexuality and repairative therapy. I buried them between my mattresses and only pulled them out to read when I was sure everyone in the house had gone to bed. I didn't want my parents to walk in and catch me reading and then know that I was *gulp* same-sex attracted.

I asked my counselor what the best and worse case scenario would be for me in therapy. "Worst case scenario: You stop coming into therapy and neglect the assignments I give you. If you decide to remain worthy, you'll go on your mission and come back and find a wife, but at some point in time you will devastate your wife with the news that you are same-sex attracted. If you act on these feelings you could not only do serious damage to your marriage, but you could end up in an a sexual addiction. The world of homosexuality is very promiscuous. And well, best case scenario, you and I work on a number of things, you go on your mission, and when you get back and find a wife, come and see me and I'll give you guys some fun bedroom activities to do. Your attraction for men will be very minimal as you practice these activities and since it is sex, it will be fun."

Now that I look back at everything, I see that I could have quite possibly had the worse reparative therapist ever. He was such an ass. He would fall asleep sometimes while I was talking. I was too young and insecure to know what to do though.

As I went to counseling off and on over the next few years I found certain aspects of it helpful but some parts of it were worthless and made me feel bad. One assignment specifically called "smell aversion" was the most repulsive and insulting of all the assignments. I went home and started on my assignment as directed. I gathered a variety of perishable foods including raw meat, eggs, milk, cheese, and anything else I could think of. I put it all in the blender along with a couple of bones until it was an even fleshy pink shake. I poured it into one of my mom's small jam jars and tightly sealed it with the lid. I then put it out in the furthest corner of the yard to bake in the sun. I left it there for a week visiting it daily to let the gas build up escape. I then went upstairs to my room and wrote a vignette, a short erotic story about whatever fantasy I could imagine. Two weeks later I was in my therapist's office with both my jar of wonders and my fantasy on paper. My counselor instructed me to read my story to myself and put myself there in the fantasy and then at the moment I felt any kind of stirring arousal I was to open my jar and breathe the deepest breath of foul smell I could through my nose. I nearly vomited. He had me repeat this 3 times. I was also then told to do this on my own at home every day both morning and night. I was faithful. Every morning and night prayer was also the time that I would put myself through my routine of smell aversion. I would pray that it would work.

After three months of this torture my erotic story had lost it's zeal for certain, but I still felt just as aroused by the thought of men as I ever did. My counselor suggested that I get some feces and add it to my jar. It was more than I could handle. I was also instructed to get a consecrated oil vial and put some of this mixture in it and keep it with me on my key chain. Whenever I had an erotic thought I was to sniff it up. I did this for a long time but eventually I stopped.

I graduated from high school and began preparing for my mission. My counselor wrote a letter to the stake president indicating that I was worthy and completely prepared to serve a mission. In the end my mission offered me more help and growth than anything I could ever think of. It was truly the best two years for me at the time. It helped me grow as a person and develop my own personality and character. It was my salvation.

To say that coming back from my mission was difficult would be a gross understatement. I felt very torn inside and as if I had lost my purpose and meaning in life. I began seeing the same counselor I had seen before and I decided that I needed to tell my parents. I set up a session and invited my parents to come. I sat there in front of them and struggled to say it. I was slow, terrified, and lost my train of thought so much that I must have looked and sounded crazed. So traumatic was the experience of telling my parents that I can literally cannot remember what was said or the events surrounding the remainder of the day. I stared at the floor and mumbled and eventually somehow, the words came out, "I suffer from a disease called same-sex attraction." Later my mom asked me if it was me or the therapist that had used the word "disease" to describe my homosexuality. If I remember, it was me who used it, but the therapist used the word cure. Cures are for diseases. What was I supposed to think?

I actively participated in Evergreen for a year. It was really helpful and I was able to see a lot of guys who were in all sorts of different phases in their progression and it opened up my ignorant eyes. It was a good place for me at the time and I will forever be grateful for my time with Evergreen.

I moved on to school at BYU-Idaho. I made it very clear to my parents that they were not to talk to me about my SSA and that it was a closed subject. My parents respected my wishes and we basically never opened dialogue about it again until this last Thanksgiving, over three and a half years later. While at BYU-Idaho I sought out the counseling center to further my progress towards a cure. While there I visited with a couple different counselors. Neither of them were proclaimed experts in repairative therapy but as I understood, repairative therapy is not simply conditioning me out of liking dudes by smelling rotten food and poop. Repairative therapy is about fixing the damage and deficit caused by strained parental relationships and social struggles. This can be complicated by abuse and other problems such as clinical depression. Essentially, SSA is merely a symptom caused by a much deeper rooted problem. If you can fix the deeper problems, and pay little heed to the SSA itself, eventually it fades away or atleast becomes something manageable and little more than a nusance.

In many ways I fit the cliche of a candidate for such therapy. My father was passive and distant and was unable to nurture his children. My mother wore the pants in the family and struggled with perfectionism. I realized that these basic missing needs in my life could be worked through by any good counselor. I worked on my self esteem, my relationships with my parents, friendships, God... it was some of the best counseling work I ever accomplished. I grew to love myself, I made peace with my parents, peace with God... For the first time, I was truly living my life and I was happy in so many ways that I had never felt before. I had never felt happy like that. How strange to spend so much of your life unhappy with who you are.

So I repaired and worked through the struggles and pain and sorrow. My relationship with my parents couldn't be better. I couldn't imagine a more trusting, loving relationship with my parents than the one I have now. It's wonderful. I see how all of the repairative therapy I have gone through and all of the work in the target areas surrounding my homosexuality has been of tremendous value and worth in the end. It really helped me learn, grow, to let go, and develop as a person. And I really like who I am. I like me. I've made peace with so many of the sorrowful things in my life. I feel like I can deal with nearly any challenge that comes my way -that nothing can disrupt my progression as a person. It is liberating.

So what's missing? I am still just as attracted to men as I ever was. Repairative therapy has turned me from being a neurotic, self abusing, sad, homosexual into a happy, optimistic, well rounded homosexual. I feel like I can make good choices for me now. Repairative therapy did more for me than I thought it ever could. But it didn't necessarily do what it was supposed to and I have no regrets about that.

I spoke with my mother about my experiences with therapy. We discussed the age old Nature vs. Nurture battle. And really, in the end, I don't care which it was that made me this way, though the school of reparitive therapy thought says that it is primarily caused by environment and complicated by nature. My mom, said, "After you told me that it was because of the environment (etc.) that caused this. For two years I stewed and stewed about how essentially we made you struggle with this. When you were 5 we knew you were different. In those short 5 years did we really cause this to happen? How could we have messed you up so badly in those fist few short years?"

Well, I don't feel messed up now.

To Love a Woman

2007-04-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

So it's becoming less and less of a secret. I can't bear to live a double life or rather to feel like I have this looming secret that cannot ever be resolved. Coming out to members of the same party is not such a big deal for me, but when I venture out to connect with the straight world on this particular topic I always get pretty nervous. I know that eventually I will have to completely overcome this fear because how else will true tolerance and understanding ever be achieved if I cannot bridge the gap?

I have a dear friend, whom I have known for just over two and a half years. She is a star through and through. She comes from Europe and I will call her E. She is a BYU-I student, return missionary and is no stranger to hardship. Being alone in the states has been difficult for her on so many levels and I was able to be a friend for her in a place where she has felt so very alone. She is one of those people that you have a soul connection with. If I wasn't gay, I might marry her. [Am I allowed to say that?] There have been a few women that I have known that fit into this soul-friend category. But I could never bring myself to move it from soul-friend to soul-mate. Anyway, all of that is for some future post and for now suffice it to say that E has been one of the dearest friends ever.

After moving away to Provo I to a certain degree lessened communication with her. This was not unique to her though, as I began to deal with one of the most intense struggles of my life I retreated from my social life to discover answers on my own. Of course E became concerned and she could sense that there was a big something that I was withholding from her. Again she was not unique in all of this. She came home with me at Thanksgiving and during her visit she could sense something was deeply bothering me but also knew that there was nothing she could do.

E came and visited me during General Conference weekend. I decided it was time to tell her. Without more prelude and fanfare I'll just say that she took it harder than my parents, my brother or anyone else I've told. She was shocked and had NO clue that this was even coming. I guess I'm not that obvious. I've not tried to hide it from her. I just never directly told her. She cried and cried and sat in denial for an uncomfortably long time. She just looked at me through her green teary eyes and sobbed, I can't believe this! Oh no, no no... I just can't believe this... I don't want this for you! No!
I didn't know what to say. She was devastated and I couldn't help but feel that I had caused her to hurt so much. Throughout the course of the weekend this was obviously a looming topic in our conversations and it was not a pleasant time. She isn't shunning me, but she doesn't want this for me and it is tearing her apart.

On that Sunday she confessed to me through deep sobbs something remarkable. She said:

Caspian, last October when I knew you were going through a difficult time I always made sure to pray for you the same as I pray for everyone else, my family, friends... I just made sure to include you. While I was praying one night though, I had an amazing experience. I saw you for who you are. God moved the mortal veil and showed me your heart, who you are and all of your gifts, potential, capabilities, and who you are destined to be. I cannot even tell you how intimately God showed your spirit to me. But I saw you for you, and I have never ever loved a person as much as I love you because I know you better than you know I know you. I don't want to ever loose you and I don't want this for you. I cannot see that you will never be able to be what God wants for you to be if you act on this. It seems so wrong to me.

Then she began to cry again. I don't know what to say to her. But I feel that she truly knows my soul and loves me unconditionally. I fear that she will allow this to unintentionally stand between us though.

I received an email from her last week that was even more revealing.

Dear Caspian-

I need to share something with you that I did not have the courage to do it when I was there. Maybe you know it and it's not a surprise but it's hard for me to say it. First of all I'm so grateful that your came into my life because you have blessed my life with so much love. Because of who you are without even knowing how, I fell in love with you. I don't know when it happened and how, but it did. Since I said that prayer [last fall] everything changed. I think the Lord gave me that feeling to see more clearly how special you are. I don't know what to say and how to say it. I feel lost but I thought that you have the right to know it. This is what I was trying to say Saturday night when I was talking to you, but I had no words. I'm just speechless. I feel like I'm going through hell right now, but as you said I'll be fine.

I love you more than anything else and if anyone will ever have the desire to marry me he needs to know me the way you do and he needs to love me the way you do. There has never been a guy in my life that has seen me for what I am and has loved and done for more than you have done. You have become my measure for many things in life. You have opened my eyes concerning many issues and you have helped me to see the world from another perspective. My love for you is so deep and I don't want to loose you for any reason in the world. It's not based on the love of a girl for a guy but on divine love. When I was going home I was thinking about us and I don't know how to explain it, but I believe we were meant to be in each other's life. I don't know for what reason but sometime it seems as if I know you for a long long time. Maybe we were friends in premortal life.

-E

I haven't responded to her email and I really ought to. I've talked to her on the phone a few times since then, but there is all this uncomfortable space that wasn't there before. We've not talked about the important stuff either. I feel terrible about it and I wish that, for her anyway, I wasn't gay. E is a remarkable woman and I love her as much as I can, but I cannot bring myself to love her romantically. They say love know no bounds, but I don't know that I completely agree. I love her as the dearest friend in the world, but I could never love her as a boyfriend or a husband. Knowing that makes being gay painful.

In truth there have been 4 women, beautiful both inside and out, that I have loved deeply. I would likely have married all four of them at one time or another were it not for the fact that I am gay. I just cannot move it that one step further. I tried... but it was dishonest, uncomfortable, and always felt deeply wrong.

In contrast to the etymology of the word, being gay can be quite sad sometimes.

My Tender, Broken Heart

2007-04-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

As I reflect over the last month or so and all of the interesting turns and learning experiences I have had, I am able to look at things a little more objectively. At the time that I first began blogging last fall I really had somewhat of a fatalistic outlook on my love life. I believed that I would never find someone and that I would never be able to have a healthy, true love relationship with anyone even if I did find someone -regardless of gender. I was surprisingly okay with that idea too. I had made peace with it. Then out of nowhere I was robbed of my preconceived misconceptions. I had my heart stolen. Yes, maybe I gave it, maybe I was robbed. In the end, the details are insignificant I suppose. Regardless though, part of my heart was taken, and I don't know that I can get it back.

I wonder sometimes if that is the curse of the gay man. Perhaps to always be searching for a place to land your ship but there is nothing but emptiness in the endless universe. Then in a moment you think you've found something beautiful but it is hurtling so fast through the etheric plane and leaving a ribbon of burning gasses, destruction, and debris behind it that all you see in the end was something that looked beautiful, but was impossible to capture. And you sit there looking out of the window of your heart and realize that you are again all alone. I suppose that question is something for a different post.

What I am saying is that I gave a piece of my heart, and not to be (forgive the racial slur) an Indian-giver, but I want that piece of my heart back. I want to be able to let go completely and never worry about it again. I'm not a basket case. I can let go. I am not up at night worrying or upset or even angry, but I wish that the small ping of heartache that occasionally hits would fade away. I'm over him. And I also know he will probably read this and I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he has left a beautiful, tender wound that will always be remarkable in my heart. Perhaps that is too much to ask for.

I learned something in the process of having a piece of my heart stolen. I learned that there is a very human place in my heart that has the ability and desire to love. And maybe it wasn't that I was robbed, but rather that I bought something and forever gave a piece of my heart in exchange for the education. I guess there are no refunds without a receipt. I now know that I can love someone, that I can indeed love. Knowing that perhaps makes moving on worthwhile. I guess in the end, all lessons -the most important ones anyway, leave deep and beautiful wounds on our most tender places.

I won't go back to my former way of thinking and I suppose I wouldn't go back to him even if he would take me. Though I fear there is always a deep temptation to massage that little tender place and be swept away with wild abandon. I've learned my lessons and I am ready to move on to the next lesson of life. I am thoroughly an optimist and I believe that the future holds nothing but good fortune. With the new tools of character and understanding I am better equipped to become the man that God is shaping me into.

****
On a completely separate note, I just got word from the auto shop here in Laramie. My truck will not be ready until Wednesday afternoon now and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get out of here.

Stranded in a Strange Land

2007-04-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

Was leaving Utah a mistake? No, I don't think so. Perhaps it is just my excess of good and bad karma. I think this is the fourth time I have made this statement on my blog, but I'll say it again. I live twice the life of the average person. Things happen to me. Really they do. Everyday it's something new, sometimes big sometimes small. I don't post everything that happens, but literally something strange or ironic happens nearly everyday. A good example of this would be how the computer I am using at this internet cafe froze on me just as I was about to publish this post. It could have happened to anyone, but it happened to me. I don't victimize myself, because I am an optimist through and through and there is nothing that ever really gets me down for more than a moment. I do something ordinary and the extraordinary happens in the process. My experience with taking my computer to CompUSA would be another prime example.

So I left Thursday evening to head out on my long trek to the Atlantic coast. I drive an awesome 1983 Land Cruiser. It's been my dream machine for years now and I bought it last summer. It's easy enough to work on and it's in nearly mint condition. It's rugged, fun and I can run over shit with it. The only truly unfortunate thing about it is that it has never met a gas station it didn't like. It averages about 18 mpg -which isn't too bad considering the engine size and age of the vehicle. In any case, I constantly must fill it up while on this road trip. While on the desolate stretch of freeway between Evanston, WY and Laramie, WY I realized that refueling soon was gonna be imoprtant. I unwittingly followed the Gas Next Exit sign on the freeway to the service road to Elk Mountain, WY, population: 198. The town, or rather village, consisted of several little cabins that appeared to be of original 19th century construction and a few rusty trailers. There was no visible gas station. I turned around and headed back toward the freeway in search of fuel. The next gas service was another 18 miles east on the freeway. I again, extending my trust, followed yet another Gas Next Exit sign at Arlington, WY, population 14. It was indeed even more of a ghost town than Elk Mountain was and I saw no gas station (though I later learned that the gas station was really just a singular pump out front of an unlit ramshackle trading post that closes everyday at 5:00 pm). In a bit of a frustrated panic, I turned around on the road only to watch my battery light on my dash light up and and my engine make a soft clunk before coming to a soft sputtering end. I tried to start it back up but it lasted only a few seconds before dying again. This was not on account of running out of fuel, which would have turned out to have been a much easier problem to solve. It was 1:30 in the morning, pitch black and just over a mile from the freeway. With frustration I popped my hood and only to find that all three belts had come off of their pulleys including my alternator pulley which of course was why my battery light had lit up.

As early as Monday I had paid a friend to replace my power steering pump, only to find that the new pump I had installed came faulty (or so I had thought) and leaked terribly. I had a hunch that this new problem likely had something to do with my new POS power steering pump. With no cell phone signal and already being terribly exhausted from the long drive I decided to camp out for the night in my car. It took me some time to calm my troubled mind in order to sleep. All I could hear was, What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? over and over again in my head. Finally I screamed, I don't know what the hell I am gonna do! SO SHUT UP ALREADY! I gently coaxed myself to sleep curled up across the driver's seat, plastic center consul, emergency brake, and passenger seat. About an hour and a half later I woke up with a start to discover that my car was gently rolling down into a ditch. I had inadvertently knocked the car out of gear while sleeping and gravity took advantage of my error. I quickly hit the brakes and threw it into gear and prevented an even greater tragedy from happening. I was on a steep slope and crunched up against my door. There was no way I was gonna get any sleep after that.

Far away from anything familiar, shivering with cold, and feeling sorry for myself, I cried three tears, swallowed the growing lump in my throat, took a deep breath, grabbed my jacket and began to walk the mile back toward the highway in search of help through the thick, snowy fog. Half way there I found that I had one bar of roaming cell signal on my one bar of battery. I called my brother (who also was making the same journey, but was more than a day's drive behind me). It was a staticky miracle. He said I should call 911, so I did, which was also a staticky miracle. A very nice Argentinian state trooper named Regina Shulmeister was my savior. I sat in her warm Crown Victoria glad to not be alone. We waited for the tow truck and watched the fog rolling around the flashing lights from her police car and the wind ripping the snow flakes in furious circles. Apparently there are two thriving businesses in Arlington. The part-time gas pump/trading post and Ray's Towing.

Ray was a crusty old guy with a cigarette limply dangling from his lips. He wore a pair of stained brown jeans and a denim shirt that had been mis-buttoned so that one end of his collar stuck up into his chin. He had a ragged beard that lined his cheeks and chin and it was difficult to tell if it was intentional or just on account of many days of not shaving. Apparently he was born and raised there. His grandparents homesteaded the land over a century ago. He was very friendly though and I was glad that someone was there to help me.

Ray opened my hood to see if he could put my belts back on and send me on my way, but with his flashlight he was able to see what I had not. He reached down deep into my engine compartment and retrieved the pulley that had come off of my smog pump and derailed the other two belts. This was not looking good. He generously offered to tow me to Laramie in exchange for $286.00. After he got my truck hitched up we drove to the locked and closed trading post where he swiped my American Express and gave me a FREE cup of the worst coffee I have ever tasted. I'm not just saying that for dramatic flavor either. It was really disgusting. I think it was brewed from coffee grounds that were several days old. I took one sip and discretely poured the rest out onto the pavement.

I reached Laramie at 7:30. I was exhausted. Being too exhausted to really care about much else, I had grabbed my toothbrush and cell phone charger and went in search of a place to sleep. Paul, the mechanic at the auto shop where my truck had been towed, dropped me off at a cheap motel that he said was in a prime location being close to all of the best bars in Laramie. So after checking in I marched upstairs to my room promptly fell asleep on my $25.00 motel bed. When I woke up at noon I walked back to the auto shop to find out the bad news.

Apparently my friend who I had put my new power steering pump in had installed the pulley backwards and it caused a chain reaction of SNAFUs including smothering my smog pump with power steering fluid. The irony is that a new smog pump doesn't come with a pulley. If I want to buy a new smog pump with the pulley it will cost nearly $1000. As Paul, the mechanic, explains this to me I remember that Ray had rescued my pulley from precariously resting loosely in my engine compartment. "Oh no, I have the pulley inside my car on the floor." It ended up saving me around $800 in the end. If I had not been off the freeway looking for gasoline and turning around at that place, at that time, my smog pump pulley would have dropped somewhere off on the freeway or who knows where. That is good fortune. All in all I have no idea how much this will cost me, but I guess cost is irrelevant because I'm not planning on staying permanently in Laramie or anywhere near this depressing cold wasteland.

The ironic thing is that with all of the space between Provo and DC of all the places I could have broken down, Laramie Wyoming is where I am. This is the place where homosexual, Matthew Shepard, was brutally murdered in 1998. I remember when it happened. I was in high school at the time and even though I was deeply in denial of my homosexuality and believed that it was a huge moral crime, the story of Matthew Shepard haunted me. Public outcry was significant, and it pushed legislature forward. The most horrific thing however was how the evil Westboro Baptist Church proposed a disgusting monument in Casper, Wyoming, Matthew Shepard's home town in honor of the anniversary of his entering hell. I don't think they ever succeeded in erecting the monument, but I think they are still fighting to put it up. And to think, this is the place where it all started.

It's Saturday, April 7th. I left Provo April 5th and I likely won't get out of Laramie until late Tuesday the 10th and I probably won't get to the DC area until the 13th. Bad things happen, but so do good things. There really is nothing I can do about this unfortunate situation, so there is no sense in fretting about the hundreds and hundreds of dollars this is going to cost me, nor the excessive waste of time. So, I'll just sit in this little internet cafe, hit up the local restaurants, catch up on all the television I have missed over the last year, and avoid all the best bars Laramie has to offer.

Saying Goodbye

2007-04-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

I know I've not posted in a couple weeks, but believe me there is a LOT that I wish I could say right now. I am moving away tonight to the east coast. It will be really good move I think... With the exception of the drive all by myself. Those of you in Utah that I know personally, I love you and will miss you dearly. For the rest of you... See you in cyberspace.

Unusual Answer to Prayer

2007-03-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon I noticed that I was feeling a little anxious. Where had this come from? Why was I feeling so uncomfortable? I decided that I needed to pray about it. In reality, I mostly just needed to pray.

I have been really feeling lately like I have no goals in life. Where am I going and what am I doing here. Last fall when I first began to blog about my life, I was in the middle of a pretty big crisis trying to figure all this out. The most painful thing in dealing with all of this has been the feeling that I have lost all of my goals and ambitions and passions in life. I've not been going to school this semester so that I could take a step back, deal with life, and again take up my ambitions for life at the start of the next semester. I am worried though because I haven't felt my desire return. In talking with a friend about this I realized that you can't turn a bicycle around that is not in motion. I need to take that leap into the darkness and work toward my goals and then feel them return. It's a scary thought because I don't want to repeat the pain of last fall semester. I became so self absorbed in my own problems that I neglected the world around me. I was no longer involved with community organizations or even involved with campus clubs. It was all so uncharacteristic of me.

As my relationship with God has improved I have found comfort in feeling a close connection with him through prayer. So I began to pray about my goals, homosexuality, relationships, what He wants me to do in general terms, the classic church concerns etc. I really poured my heart out. It felt really good to unload. I had said the bulk of what was on my mind when I received a text message on my phone from a friend. He asked me, "Are you at the rally?"
"What rally? Where?"
"Kiwanis. 820 N 1100 E Can you come?"
"Now?"
"Yes"
"Okay gimmie a few"
I thought it was some kind of Kiwanis fund raiser or something. I thought, well, God must be answering my prayer to be involved with my community again. Kiwanis is a good organization. They help promote so much wellbeing in a community. Maybe this is God's answer for me.
When I got there I was totally wrong though. It was the Soul Force rally at Kiwanis Park. I hadn't expected that in the least. So I stood there and listened to the speakers. It was all very interesting but I really didn't know what to say about it all. My big question is though, what is God saying to me in all of this? I'm still feeling pretty confused about it all, but the anxiety went away, and I felt much better after I left the park. I called and told my mother about the experience. She really didn't know what to say either.

We talked about God and his plans for me. She said that her prayer since first becoming a mother has been that she would do the very best that she could to help her children and love them and that they would live fulfilled and happy lives. But she also throws a hostile warning to God in her prayers: "I'll do the best I can as a mother, but don't you mess with them. Don't you even think of messing with them. I want them to be happy and fulfilled. Don't mess with them."
Through frustrated tears over the phone she said, "I just don't understand why. Why must you go through this? All I want is for you to live a happy and fulfilled life. Is it possible? How can I make peace with this? I just don't want you to suffer because of this. I love you and I want you to be happy. I shake my fists at God because I don't understand the purpose in all of this. I know you say that you've made peace with this, but I haven't and I need to."

I also don't understand the purpose in this, but I know that God intended me to be this way for whatever reason and by whatever cause. What I don't know is what he wants me to do in the end. Was it an answer from God to go to the Soul Force gathering? What message is he trying to send me? I know that God is so very aware of me and that he is with me every step of the way. I just don't know where I am going and where God is directing me... But I'll keep praying.

Life is a Roller Coaster

2007-03-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank Foxx and everyone else for their comments on my last blog post. What Foxx had to say was really thought provoking and has lead me to want to expound on some of the things he brought up.

Life is like one big roller coaster and I used to think that if I would just hold on tighter that I'd be able to stop the ups and downs and turns. The truth is that no matter what happens, I can't control the turns and bumps. Life comes at me full force and everyday something new happens and I really can't control what happens to me. I can control, however, how I respond to life. I can choose to pout over the unfortunate circumstances or I can laugh at it. But even more importantly, I can choose to learn from the experience.
I used to stew over the "if onlys" and the "should haves" in life. I have realized that nothing I can do will change the past. When I "goof up" it's usually because of lack of foresight or on account of unmet needs. But even more than the goof ups, I used to churn in my mind and beat myself up over life in general... I would go crazy over the things that I couldn't control no matter what. For example I get in my car to go somewhere and because of the stars' alignment or what have you, I get into a fender bender. How was I to know that the driver of the other car was going to hit me? But I would still beat myself up. Or I could simply be fulfilling a responsibility of mine, and for some reason due to unforeseen circumstances I was unable to fulfill my responsibility. I would beat on myself for not being perfect. I know far too many members of the church who do this too. It was a mental illness almost. I hated myself for not being able to control life. But I have come to realize that God gives us the maximum in blessings by giving us the maximum in experience.

For example, when I took my computer into CompUSA to have them back up all of my most valuable files and they ended up destroying EVERYTHING. It was a tragedy, a huge loss for me. I prayed and prayed over the matter. I felt so sick about the whole thing. I realized that my files were lost, nothing could get them back, and I couldn't turn back time and get them, so I needed to make peace with the situation. I prayed, "Heavenly Father, I can't just have this eat me up. I can't be hating the people who made this error and ruined my journal, photos, music, and documents. Please help me to make peace with this regardless of the outcome. I just don't want to feel this way anymore."
I still miss not having my files and documents, but there is nothing I can do to get them back. I did have a professional data recovery guy go over my hard drive, but nothing valuable was salvaged. I have to accept that and move on. I almost don't even care anymore. Sure it's unfortunate that I don't have those files and I wish I still had them, but I choose to let go.

It's been years in the making for me to reach this point where I can deal with nearly anything that life sends my way. In some ways I feel almost invincible to anything life brings me because I know that I can choose to let go and learn. Certainly some things are more difficult to deal with, but I can make peace with anything that happens.
Pain is temporary if I choose to let it be temporary. I must take ownership of the pain that life gives me, and at that moment, true healing begins.

This is why I love my life so much. It is so rich with experiences that shape my character. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for what happened yesterday. Life is full of experience both positive and negative, but if I can learn from the negative, suddenly I have turned a negative experience into something positive. And then the miracle happens, I begin to see that everything that happens to me is a blessing. I see God's hand in my life and I can see how every struggle, every negative experience, every trial, every little thing that happens to me is, in essence a blessing for good. I really believe that too.
When I pray God shows me that he loves me by bringing to my mind all of the experience that he has given me to shape who I am. I am truly at peace with all of the hardships, trials, and pain in my life. I am happy.

Now, having said all of that, I also recognize that having such an outlook can easily fool you into trying to remove responsibility for actions. It can be easy sometimes to say, "Well, I made that mistake in shortsightedness and I really know that it's not my fault." But often we know when we are playing with fire. I recently have hurt some people that I truly love because of my own selfishness. Never have I ever been so dishonest. If I had only kept true to my belief and continued to be honest, I would never have pushed them away. Trust can be hard to rebuild. Now, like I said, I don't dwell on the "if onlys" but still regret what I have done. When I don't respect my values, I don't respect myself, and when I disrespect myself, I make choices that show disrespect for myself.

My last post was a vent of frustration because when you act contrary to what you know to be right, it can really hurt. But I must accept responsibility for my actions, pay the consequences, and move on.

What the HELL HAVE I BECOME?

2007-03-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Who the hell am I anymore?

I think I'm pretty damn smart don't I?

A lot of people here in our corner of the blog world have expressed an event they call "coming out to oneself." I don't know that that is necessarily the best description of my experience but I will elaborate a little of where I am and where I was. I knew that I was gay for a long time, but I didn't call myself gay. I was a straight guy who happened to like men. Sound a bit confusing? Yeah. But I was different. My parents knew from the very beginning that I was different. They took me to a doctor at OHSU when I was a 5 years old to find out if I was normal. Even so, the doctor reassured my parents that everything was just fine. But my parents knew that I was different. Telling them that I was gay was no big surprise to them. I guess it makes for an anti-climactic announcement. In any case, almost a year and a half ago I realized that the more I dug into the problem and faced it for the reality that it is, the further it took me from God and His Church -at least that was my perception. Once I came to accept this as part of my life, I began to live for the first time. I looked at my life and let go of all the false beliefs about myself and self hatred for being gay. It was empowering.

I have learned so much since then about trials and life. And I really feel like I have been able to make peace with so many things. Life is not a torture for me anymore. When bumps in the road come I don't get all bent out of shape like I used to. I can laugh at the ironies of life and I have NEVER been more honest with myself and those around me. It has been liberating.

But what the hell has happened to me?

I used to be involved in the world around me. I was part of so very many extra curricular activities. I volunteered. I did things for others. I had goals and dreams and now... I am a selfish son-of-a-bitch. What the hell has happened to me? Did I loose myself in finding myself? I really wanted to make a difference in this world. I wanted to contribute something -to give back to the world and the life that has given so much to me. Now, I am self seeking in so many ways. I act all proud and wise as if I know it all and I preach my own gospel based on my personal experience. But who am I to be such a know-it-all? I talk about God and how he has helped me to find peace with my life and being gay; and while I won't deny that I feel a measure of peace with it all and that I can cope with trials much better, I feel totally lost too. He is so silent to me and I feel like I have no foundation.

Fighting being gay used to be all that I thought about. "How can I hide this truth and bury it away so that I never have to accept this," I would say to myself. I would try so hard to pretend that I was straight and holy and perfect that I pushed myself to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise, and while yes, it was nice to accomplish something, it was all for the wrong reasons. Now it seems that I have just let everything in my life just slip out of my control and I let life happen to me.

I believe in destiny or fate more now than I ever have. I look at life as the waves of the ocean lapping at the shore. Inevitably life will come and I must accept what happens and then use my agency to react. Can I control and manipulate my life into what I want and yet still be accepting of the things that I cannot change. [But I suppose I could only answer that question anyway by knowing what I want out of life and I'm pretty damn confused right now.] I've said before that I live twice the life of the average person and I still believe that. Twice as many experiences, twice the good and the bad, the positive and the negative. Those that know me and my life would tend to agree that well, things just happen to me. But can I control that? Or must I just accept that the God-given experiences I have are there to shape me as the patterns of ocean print on the sand? How much can I control my destiny?

I received a phone call from a long time friend of mine today. She is one of those special people who know your soul. You know the kind I am talking about. They can read you and hear your spirit. She said to me, "When I look at you and see who you were a year ago and then look at who you are today, I can hardly recognize you. It's not necessarily bad or good... Just different. It scares me. You used to really care about so much... It seems like you just don't care about some things anymore that used to really matter to you."

It seems that now, the very subjects that I write about take up all of my thoughts and energy, and seem to engulf my life. It would seem to take just as much if not more effort to cope with it all than the effort I took to bury my problems. The only real difference now is that I don't have the passions I used to and I am no longer contributing the God-given gifts I have to the world around me and I am getting more and more frustrated with myself. I am doing things that I never thought I would do and I am just accepting it as destiny and character building. I hate the choices I'm making. I feel like I'm slipping away and into a person I do not want to become.

Worst of all, I am hurting and scaring those I love most. I am so sorry. You know who you are. How can I ever expect forgiveness for stabbing you in the back? I love you.

I'm really mad at myself right now. I am no sage with wisdom, though I think I convince myself that I have found the secret to happiness. I won't deny that I have found several tools and that God has taught me so much and I'll even say that I am happier with me than I have ever been on so many levels, I have made peace with so much in my life. But I think I lie to myself when I say that I have the answers...

Somebody help me! Somebody who can speak my language slap me in the face and tell me the truth!

Confessions Of My Mother

2007-03-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

This last weekend I went to my grandmother's funeral. It was nice to see the whole family again. My mother's family is pretty stretched out and we don't usually ever have get-togethers. None of my extended family are members of the Church so it's always to an extent, a little awkward. I mean, they know we are Mormons and while the rest of them are drinking wine and beer, my family is content to drink water. We really stand out.

My parents are pretty unique in a lot of respects. First of all, as far as Mormon's are concerned, they don't fit the political mold. Mother is a democrat and Father is an independent. Mother is a democrat because she believes in a lot of the democratic platforms, while Father is independent simply because he has no convictions -about anything. My parents are the kindest most wonderful people. Sure they have their faults and weaknesses like all parents do, but I think they have some amazing capabilities.

My father is a peacemaker. He is the most non-judgmental person I have ever known. Nothing ever makes him angry. I could be rude and disrespectful to my father and tease him and he takes is in stride like water off a duck's back. My father wants the people around him to be okay and he will do anything he can to make sure that they feel comfortable. He can take a contentious situation and turn anger into calm. He is not a pessimist in the least, nor an optimist. I have never met a more completely neutral person. He is a good man with a kind heart. Almost a John Candy type of personality but much much mellower. He is bumbling in his corny sense of humor and gets a lot of rolling eyes with his terrible jokes. Growing up they used to embarrass me, but all of my friends loved my father because of his genuine kindness and ability to make them feel comfortable. He is honest. One of the most honest people I have ever met. My father is gifted in his ability to listen hear a situation or dilemma and become sympathetic to the cause. That's why it is so difficult for him to have any sort of political opinions, he will listen to a political debate and agree with both parties. As far as the Church goes, it took him many years of study and prayer before he could decide that he wanted to become a member. He still struggles to buy into all of it and a lot of his concerns about the Church are remarkably similar to mine. My father graduated from high school in the top ten of his class, but never went on to university. Father is a king of comfort and would rather stay at home and watch television than go out somewhere. He loves food and is an amazing gourmet chef. He has been known to spend hours preparing a meal for no one but himself simply for the pleasure of taste. By profession he is a salesman, by definition, the worst salesman ever. He lacks self confidence and has suffered from time to time with mild to serious depression. He lacks self confidence and would rather sacrifice his income to help someone get a great deal on products or services. Growing up we were always in debt and while I was serving a mission my father declared bankruptcy and they lost nearly everything. They eventually had to sell and move from the house that we had lived in for so many years into a small rented home in town. This crushed my mother.

My mother is a dreamer. She cares about the world around her. She is a Jane Goodall type of person. She is in love with nature and anything living and wild. All of my growing up in the Cascade mountains I can remember my mother going on long walks into the wilderness with the dogs. She could spend hours in the forest miles away on foot communing with God and wildlife. From September through November my mother would spend hours searching for and gathering wild chanterelle mushrooms from the wooded mountainside on which we lived. She would bring them in, clean them up, and take them to town to sell them to fancy restaurants and at farmers markets. Growing up we always had fresh flowers from the yard in the kitchen. Even in December when most of everything had died from winter, she some how would manage to salvage a few pansies from the cold in her little greenhouse. My mother has a gift with animals. She can communicate with them and they with her. Mother is a hard worker. She would spend hours every day working around the home. As a mother, she naturally has all of the natural gifts that any mother has, but more than that, my mother knows the souls of her children and can feel them. When something is wrong in my life, even now, when I am miles away from home my mother can feel it and she will call me. My mother went to university and has a BA in child development/corrections. Before marrying my father she worked in a home for abused girls. Most of my growing up however, she was a part time special education teacher. My mother has always wanted to make a difference in this world and had spent her entire life working towards that up until she married my father. It was then that she realized that her mission in life was not that she herself make a difference in this world, but to raise children who would. My mother has dreams of going to Africa and working with the wildlife reserves or the schools and orphanages there. She knows that stepping onto the African continent may never happen for her, but she still dreams and reads about it. She has a heart of tender gold.

This weekend when I met up with my parents in California for the funeral I decided that I needed again to talk to them about my life and the choices I am making. My relationship with my parents has never been more open and honest. I sat on the bed and talked to my mother about everything. She had said in a previous conversation that marriage was indeed a possibility for me and that marriage is more than sex. I had countered, "But so is homosexuality. There is a lot more to homosexuality than sex." She recognized my sentiments and conceded. During this conversation however, she tearfully confessed that she understands more than ever how difficult a marriage would be for me.

Despite the loving and caring dispositions of my parents, their marriage has suffered because of their personality differences. My mother is inspiration driven, while my father is driven by pacification. They never really fight at all. Growing up they never did. They always had the ability to discuss their differences. I can remember them when I was a kid just going into their room, locking the door behind themselves, and talking for what seemed like hours. I can also remember as a kid my father coming home occasionally with a bouquet of flowers and sweeping my mother off her feet and passionately kissing her. But as the years went on, that faded and the passion in their marriage faded. A little over year and a half ago when my parents marriage and differences had reached a climax, they finally went into marriage counseling at the demands of my married sister who lives next door to them. It's kind of strange, my mom knows that something is wrong between them, but my dad seems oblivious to the struggles in their marriage. They went to four counseling sessions and then the bombshell was dropped. Father had cancer. It was pretty bad. Though I didn't know it at the time, my mom was almost ready to divorce him. But in her words, "You can't leave someone all alone with cancer." The counseling stopped and the cancer treatments began. Father could no longer work and money became so tight that at times we could hardly afford to eat. I remember coming home for Christmas that year. They had sold their house and were living in a small rented house in town. My parents had received a bundle of movie ticket coupons and we all got ready to go. There was little to eat and not much time before the movie started, so we decided to grab something at the grocery store. So tight was the money that all they could afford was a small bucket of stale fried chicken for the six of us to share. We sat in the car and gobbled it up. We couldn't even afford water to wash it down. It was pretty humbling and I realized that my parents' spirits had been broken.

She still loves him for who he is, but she isn't in love with him. I know my father loves my mother very much too. But I wonder sometimes if he loves her a little bit in the same way that a child loves his mother. My mom takes care of my father. As my father has struggled economically and emotionally, my mom has taken care of him. She has resented the economic insecurity that they have always had since they married. I had thought that the whole cancer ordeal had helped bring them closer together and that their marriage had improved, but this weekend my mom confessed that all it really did was just buy some time and gave her something to focus on other than the struggles in their marriage. She also confessed that she was ready to leave him, she feels trapped in the marriage. The only thing that keeps her married is fear of hurting him, hurting her children, and the people they know that love them. A family of 14 that is in the ward that I grew up in just announced that the wife of the family has requested a divorce. Especially if you knew the family you'd really know how shocking the revelation was. I think the boldness and courage that this woman had to declare such a desire both frightens and inspires my mother to do the same.

So anyway, my mom says to me, "I never want you to feel like you are trapped in a marriage. I am beginning to realize what it would mean for you. I love your father dearly, but I don't love him as a wife ought to and I am tired of fighting this. I feel like I am living a dishonest life. I feel like I am lying to him and I am lying to everyone."

She has an appointment with the marriage counselor today. She says she is going to go into see him and say, "Make me fall in love with my husband." And to tell you the truth, I don't know that she ever could re-fall in love with him. And she also knows that no counselor can make her fall in love with him. She is just hopeless and is reaching out for anything.

So I compare this all to where I am at and where I could be if I ever got married. Can you see the parallels? How could I ever expect to have such an open and honest relationship with my wife that I could openly and honestly tell her, "Listen dear, I love you for who you are, but I really don't love you as a husband ought to. I don't find you attractive to me neither physically nor on many levels, emotionally. You are a great friend, but I really have a hard time feeling like I am satisfied with our marriage and our relationship. I think I could find more personal satisfaction with a man than with you. I understand that not being married to you would mean the sacrifice of many things that mean a lot to me and us personally and essentially that's why I am still married to you." How can I say something like that and expect her to feel okay about being married to me? How can I feel something like that and expect to feel okay about getting married in the first place? I just don't think God makes invincible people.

So of course because I understand where my mother is coming from in her marriage it's hard to not sympathize with her situation. How can I look at this so objectively? This is my parent's marriage for crying out loud! This is my family! Nearly 28 years of marriage! Of course I don't want them to divorce, but I wonder what that would mean for the family if they were to get divorced. How would my parents change? Would it force my father to grow in ways that he never has, use his talents for his benefit, and stop relying on my mother or would it crush him to the point of suicide? Would it free my mother to a place where she could achieve her potential as a person or would it be the greatest mistake of her life? She feels trapped and people who are trapped can't grow while trapped. Either she must change the trap, or escape the trap. But is it possible for her to achieve true happiness in either of those options?

It's a lot to think about.

PS: The pictures above are actual pictures of where I grew up. I used to drive along that highway to get to town everyday. I grew up so lucky to have lived where I have.

I will always be on your side

2007-03-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

This one is for you...

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

Erasing The Past

2007-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

I won't go into too many details, but things have not been fun lately. My computer has been running slow for the last couple months or so. I decided that it might be a good idea to back-up my files. I also wanted to fix my DVD player. I decided to take it to a professional -someone who could back up all of my files faster than I could and burn them onto a DVD.

I took my computer to Comp-USA to do the work for me. To make a long story short, they didn't perform the work I asked them to and they seriously botched the back-up and all of my files are gone. Three years worth of photos, a year's worth of journal entries, thousands of songs, all of my political science research... Just gone; vanished. All of it.

I was in shock for the first half hour or so and then I just cried and cried like a baby. I know it's just a bunch of ones and zeros but it represented something tangible. Of all the things I own, my writings and my photos were most valuable. They represent where I have been and the changes I have gone through. I feel like a piece of my life was erased when the files were erased.

I know that there is some file recovery software available and I've had some people tell me that all may not be lost, but it should never have come to this.

They guy who did the work on my computer was not there yesterday so they weren't exactly sure how it all happened. I'm going back today to get some satisfaction out of this. I will pitch a fit if things don't happen for me. It's going to be hard to hold back. I need to remind myself that being angry and shouting isn't going to make me feel better.

Worst of all, I feel so much negativity inside. When I think about it all I get all tense in my chest and my heart starts to pound. I feel like I have been robbed, I feel anger and sadness. I want to go throw rocks at the idiot who did this. I want to go in and swear at everyone in the store. I hate feeling this way. I need to make peace with this situation. Even if I don't get my files back or even receive compensation for the way that I was wronged, I have to get rid of this feeling inside.

What Ever and Ever. Amen.

2007-02-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

I've been a long time fan of Ben Folds, (in fact I think his CD was one of the first I ever bought) but more recently this particular song has taken on a little more meaning in my life. I dunno who put the lame music video together, but listen to the music and words rather than watch.

Evaporated
What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell Ive ended up
On this glary, random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being to pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot
Down the road
Started thinking about
My old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go
Anywhere

Chorus
Here I stand - sad and free
I cant cry and I cant see
What Ive done
God. . .what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man
No I cant feel a thing at all
cause its all smiles and business
These days
And I'm indifferent to the loss
Ive faith that there's a soul somewhere
Who's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down. . .

Chorus

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated. . .see?

Blind man on a canyons edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a strangers knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.

Dreams of a Better Life

2007-02-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

I’m feeling especially depressed today. I’m not sure why. When I get depressed I make stupid choices. Really stupid. I need to be careful today. I am sitting in my pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon. I’ve not done much… wait, I’ve done nothing today.

I didn’t go to church because I didn’t set my alarm clock and when I did get up I only had a half hour before church started so I didn’t go. That was my excuse last week too. I don’t feel like I am going anywhere in life sometimes. I am so undecided about this whole homosexuality thing and I’ve been sitting on this heavy indecision for nearly 6 months and I have not come to any conclusions nor have I learned anything new about myself or progressed to a better place. I just am. I’m stuck. I hate this.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that I got married to a particular girl that I know. She is beautiful and a really fun girl. In the dream on our wedding night we passionately made out, but well, we didn’t go all the way. I know this sounds funny, but love isn’t about sex and I really loved her in this dream. That’s what our wedding night was about. It was about our love –my love for her. I loved being with her and I was as in love with her as I could be. Then (as dreams are often random) due to a number of circumstances over the next couple days we were not able to be together. I was away on business. When I finally returned to our home she was not there. I called her on her cell phone and she had gone to her mother’s place. She then told me over the phone that we were getting divorced because I was a terrible lover. She felt when she looked into my eyes and felt my body next to hers that I didn't really love her, even though I did. I was crushed. I wanted her to know that there is this part of my life that I deal with that she wouldn’t ever understand but that it was no reflection on how I felt about her. I wanted her to know that it wasn't because I didn't love her because I did love her I loved her more than she could ever know. I did everything in my power to tell her that I loved her. It was too late though. She was set on getting the divorce and was already engaged to be married to a different guy.

Anyway, it was something to think about. Weird dream for sure.

I need a vacation -from my life.

Telling The Truth

2007-02-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I did it. It was terrifying, but satisfying. I had often thought about doing it, but having courage to follow through with thought is a different animal altogether.

Of all the people I know, I am closest to my brother. We are almost two years apart. And though we used to fight as brothers do, and I used to beat on him now and again, he is my closest friend. We were roommates for a whole year at school and through the summer before he got married to a friend of mine last fall. In our relationship, being the older brother, naturally I was the leader. I was the example. I graduated from high school first, served my mission first, enrolled in university first. Now that he is married though, he is... well, walking a path that frankly I may never walk.

Coming out to my parents was terrifying enough. I first told them right after returning from my mission. I stuttered, sputtered, and my mind locked up like an engine at 10,000 RPMs with no motor oil. It felt like the most humiliating experience of my life because I was so ashamed of myself at the time. I could hardly bring myself to tell them. It was a really big deal for me. I told myself that I would never tell another person unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course that was almost four years ago and I am no longer ashamed of who I am. Many things have changed…

This last weekend I made a bit of a road trip to visit my brother. I had no intention of telling him the truth about my attractions, yet during the six hours of silence on the road, I literally out of no where gained a conviction that I needed to tell my brother. I had occasionally thought of telling him or others but mostly for the thrill of frightening myself. I suppose I just realized that people knowing about my situation doesn’t change my reality. It won’t make me any more or less gay and if there is anyone that I should be able to trust, it’s my best friend: my brother.

My second night there I told him that we needed to talk and go for a drive. This was not entirely unusual as my brother and I always talked and it is just nice to be with each other one on one. We talked about his marriage and little pet peeves of his wife (who is wonderful) and so on and on. The conversation came to a lull and I said with a grin and a slight up beat tone, “So can you keep a secret?”
“Yeah, I can.” After a brief silence I said, “I’m gay."
“Seriously?”
Yeah, seriously.”
“How do you know? I mean how can you be sure?”
“Well, trust me I know. I’ve felt it my whole life. The first time I ever admitted it to anyone was Bishop Soandso when I was just 13 or 14. I’ve been dealing with it for a while.”
“So you’re not attracted to girls at all?”
“Not so much…”
“Oh.”
We continued for a while and after I finally convinced him that I was sure I was gay he kind of went off on a bit of a lecture about the church and life and handicaps (he has a physical handicap of his own). He talked about how one can choose to live a handicapped life and identify themselves as such or they can transcend their handicaps and live despite them. He tried to think of something he could compare it to. He talked about “A Beautiful Mind” and how the main character referred to the way he dealt with his struggle as a “diet of the mind” and that is something I must consider.

I countered that I don’t feel handicapped –that I feel like a whole person. I explained to him that while being gay has provided a unique set of challenges I am glad to be me. I wouldn’t trade places with anyone.

I don’t think he realized the extend of challenges I have faced. I mean I had to tell him that this isn’t a recent development of the last year or so… It has been my entire life. “Yeah, the thing that sucks the most is feeling like you have this big secret that you can’t tell anyone about. Or that people will think you are a pervert or messed up or that you want to be a woman and that’s NOT me.”

He sat thinking about what this for a while –the import of what it means for me, and what the defining struggle of my life has consisted of.
“Did you ever even suspect this about me?”
“I would have never guessed in a million years if you hadn’t told me”

I continued and explained to him that I probably will never get married regardless of what lifestyle I choose. I just can’t expect to. He of course countered with the “nothing is impossible” angle and I agreed that indeed it is possible, but unlikely. We argued back and forth about my “marriageability” and looking at it realistically. I also talked about statistics and such and that I cannot ignore the reality of my situation. No matter how badly I want some things, they just won’t be part of my life.

“Sure I’d be willing to give marriage a shot with the right girl. But I can’t expect to go into marriage with a sampler’s attitude. I have to be sure and committed and I don’t know that I can ever be sure enough nor that such a girl would exist for me. I am not going to put my life on hold for a reality that may not be mine.” This realization broke his heart because he loves his wife so much and wants for me to experience the beauties of marriage too. I must accept that there are some things I cannot change.

We continued and went back and forth about the Church a little bit but I didn’t really want to argue about the Church especially because he is just as good at arguing anything as I am. So I let him go on for a while. It made me feel bad. I didn’t know what to say to him about the Church. I don’t even know what to say to myself about the Church.

Finally I said, “Listen, I don’t expect you to give answers to me about the Church or anything here. I have done a lot of reading from both sides about this issue –married men, out and gay men, and celibate men. I have heard it all. I have read countless books articles and essays about this and none of it is conclusive. I don’t expect you to be able to give me an answer.”

“I know,” he said half way choked up with a lump. “You told me because you want me to tell you that I love you and that no matter what I still love you. I love you more than you know. You have been the most influential person in my life. You have been the strongest spiritual example to me out of anyone on the planet. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. No one has played a bigger role in my life than you. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have endured because of this and I am so so sorry. How hard this has been for you… I cannot even begin to imagine. No matter what happens, I love you and nothing can change that.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. This is my life and I am privileged to live it. Of course it is painful; so is everyone else’s.”

We got back to his place and stood outside and talked for a while longer. “If you ever need to just talk, call me.” He threw his arms around me and hugged me. Then with tears in his eyes said, “I love you.”

Actions Speak Louder. It's Deafening!

2007-01-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel like I have been a little more honest with God about my choices. I mean, I'm not going to try to hide from God or ignore him because I am afraid that he'll tell me to be straight or celibate. God loves me and won't lead me into a life that will make me unhappy. I know that there is no easy answer for the position I find myself in, and I need to just trust God that he will lead me to a fulfilling life.

I really need to know what the facets of my options are so that I can carefully and introspectively make good choices for my life. As I have ventured out on brief trips to the world of homosexuality, I have toured with the hope of finding myself at home in a culture that can be very foreign to the Mormon religion. My tours have included political events, night clubs, friendship networking, and of course a few from the blog world. I wanted to find a place where my sexuality could be welcomed as well as simple common sense values so as to support a healthy lifestyle and relationships. While I recognize, having traveled abroad in the past, that one cannot simply stereotype an entire community based on the experiences of a few encounters with the culture, some of my interviews with the homosexual community have lead me to believe that actions speak louder than words. And I regret to say that a growing body of evidence supports my concern that living a gay life must undoubtedly include some level of promiscuity.

I spent a considerable amount of time this last weekend touring. These were a few of my vistas: A night club, two group gatherings, a date, and an interview with a couple who have been together for nearly two years. In each of these situations I was greeted with fair individuals with seemingly normal lives and relationships. Yet behind this mask of normalcy some sort of sexual encounter was offered. It wasn't quite as brazen as "Hey, lets get it on!" But rather, these offerings began as little hints dropped here and there and when I didn't bite the bait, became flat out inquiries into personal details about my genitals, masturbation, pornography, and whether or not I have had sexual relationships with other men. Granted, early on in life I I learned the gift of tact. And though most of these conversations were presented without tact in the least, I was able to sidestep the issues pressed upon my delicate homosexual paradigm and move on -which often left the solicitor of such questions feeling even more hungry for sexual discussion and flat out offers to explore my sexuality.

The most disturbing factor in all of this however were not the offers of rampant homosexual encounters as much as who offering these encounters. The two most persistent men to offer to "loosen my tension" were men who were in serious long term relationships with other men. Even after pointing out that they would be breaking the trust of their lovers, they persisted. I find this most upsetting. The longest I have ever had a romantic relationship with anyone was my girlfriend two years ago and we lasted three months. These men have shown that they are committed to their relationships by staying in them for more than 2 years. That is true for both cases. Nevertheless, in private venues of conversation they offer to break their commitments infidelity, the offers remained; threatening the longevity of their significant other remaining significant.

In the end I respectfully declined their generous offer to throw away their integrity (and possibly their relationships) for a few moments of pleasure. I told them that I wouldn't feel comfortable sacrificing the respect I have for fidelity and their long-term partners. And even so they presented themselves as ordinary people living ordinary lives, I couldn't help but wonder how healthy these relationships really are. After all, infidelity can be a fatal blow to any relationship.

Why does this happen in the homosexual world? I'm not attempting to say that the gay community has a monopoly on infidelity, but my friends both in and out of the Church that are in long term relationships have never offered such things nor have such sexual topics plagued a conversation like a nicotine craving that just won't go away. Whereas my many homosexual friends seem to allow irresponsible sex to identify so many of their actions regardless of how much they attest to common sense values. Granted, I have met a few honest gay men and couples out there, but the majority that I have met aren't beyond engaging in a little side fun every now and then. Is it just something that goes with the territory of the gay community? How does one protect himself from becoming one of those men?

Perhaps my perception is flawed. Maybe it would be easier to believe that my incredibly magnificent physique is what is threatening the relationships in the gay community. Yet, some how I doubt that my good looks alone could take responsibility for such.

There is a lot to me -a great deal to who I am. I'm more than just a piece of meat, even if I am a good cut. Nobody interviewed me this weekend to find out what really makes me tick. And yet somehow they couldn't get me out of their mind. I ventured out of my world to try to connect with and better understand a people who share the same attractions as I do. And it's not that I am seeking attention from them as much as I am trying to learn. I merely want to believe that I can have healthy relationships and be happy and content with my life. And if that means that I must deny myself a doomed same-sex relationship in exchange for peace of mind, then that is the course I am willing to take.

~Caspian

PS: As for all of you in the blog world , the very small few that I have met in person, I have to say I am quite impressed with the lives you live. Never have I received an innapropriate solicitation nor have my feelings been disrespected. Perhaps it is because of the genuine nature of blogging. It provides a forum for brutal honesty. There are no hidden agendas. The anonymity is sacred. I am greatful for all of the support I receive from everyone regardless of which side of the fence you stand.

A Holy Cause

2007-01-25T08:23:00.000-08:00

As I have already posted, a little over a year ago, I came to a deeper understanding of my personal value -an understanding that I am of infinite worth and that nothing I do and nothing that happens to me will ever change my value. Looking back over the last year or so however, coming to this understanding has caused me to have to reevaluate other aspects of my life. I used to place a lot of value on being part of the Church. I used to believe that I was valuable because "I am a Mormon" and "I am a Sunday school teacher" and "because I did this or that for the Church." It made me feel like I was part of something greater than myself -which is good. It caused me to really work for something that wasn't completely selfish and I felt like my life contributed something of value to a holy cause. Additionally it gave me a sense of status as I received complements on a lesson or a pat on the back for following through with an assignment. And so, I allowed my actions, whether "positive or negative," "good or bad" to dictate the value of my soul.

But something was deeply lacking. I suffered from crippling perfectionism. I was so concerned that I wasn't good enough and I felt that my weaknesses kept me from really progressing. It affected the way that I perceived God. I saw God looking down at me like some Zeus-like figure -ready at any moment to strike me with lightning because of my imperfections and flaws. I thought that maybe if I could be better or more perfect I would be able to make myself valuable to God and his church. And even though I was able to accomplish many good works, in the end my works were counter productive to my self esteem and I never allowed myself to dig into my weaknesses and use them as strengths. Instead I was in denial of my flaws. It was too scary to look at my weaknesses and really accept them as part of my life -part of my mortal experience.

Making peace with my mortality was one of the most renewing, beautiful, and liberating experiences of my life. Nevertheless, upon realizing that my works in the Church really didn't affect my personal value suddenly made a lot of my works seem somewhat valueless. Apparently my motivations for "selfless acts" in the Church had in reality been selfish. And even though my motivations were less than honorable, I won't deny that I received many of the benefits of honorable motivations. But in many ways my holy cause didn't give a full return because my life still had much lacking; primarily my understanding of my self worth.

As a natural consequence to my paradigm shift, I lost interest in church-related activities. This was evidence to me that I had never truly received a "knowledge of the truthfulness" that the Church was true. After all, if I believe it to be true, shouldn't faith support me through all trials and all experiences in life? I won't deny that I have had many wonderful, spiritual experiences that made me feel that the Church was right, but with my new set of reality glasses, I realized perfectionism was replaced with cynicism and ultimately if I desired to stay in the Church I would need a holier reason than the vanity of perfectionism.

As my interest in the Church faded, I found that I replaced my activities of devotion with self serving activities. Every culture has its strengths and weaknesses; virtues and vices. I fell prey to one of the greatest sicknesses of American culture. I began to seek entertainment. Not that entertainment in arbitrarily wrong, but there is a growing threat to the civil society of the American people because of the desire to be entertained rather than contribute to a cause or a lifestyle or belief system. This often leads to an emptiness that is nearly insatiable. Unfortunately, all too often people attempt to fill this void, but like a black hole this void draws the elements and does not let go. I began to feed myself with the disease of consumerism -purchasing this or that without thought for need or personal economy. And so I began working so that I could spend. I began to live beyond my means to support myself because of this insatiable hunger for value in my life. I used to be very wise with my money and considered it sacred. But now instead of self control with my money I entitle myself to entertainment or social status or style.

It's taken me a while to realize what it is that my life still lacks despite my perceived wisdom in my paradigm shift of more than a year ago. I have lost my holy cause, the value in my life as opposed to the value of my life. I realize that in order to truly be happy I need to find a holy cause. One of the greatest losses to the value of my life when I left the church was feeling like I was part of something greater than myself. I felt like I was important to the Church and I felt needed by others. Feeling unneeded has made me feel lonely at times and a desire to receive attention from others. This need to receive love and attention in a holy or righteous way may explain some of my most saddening and desperate moments in my recent history. I made some pretty bad choices in which I sacrificed my hard earned money and more importantly, my personal values -all for the sake of feeling needed.

I haven't completely given up on the Church though I have a number of concerns, but more importantly I haven't given up on God. For a while I didn't want to talk to God. At first my silence was for bitterness and cynicism which evolved into insecurity as to what I believed to be truth, and eventually into fear that God would tell me to live a life that would bring me unhappiness. I know it sounds funny to think that God would would tell me that happiness is out of the question for my life, but I really subconsciously felt that God would forbid happiness for me. And so, I stopped talking to God for some time.

I'm not afraid anymore though. I still don't know what I believe in, but I am willing to listen to what God has to say. I need to find a holy cause and a reason for living. I need to contribute my time and talents to something greater than myself.

Scary Thoughts

2007-01-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

It is said that thought precedes action, and I would tend to agree. Lately I have been feeling a bit anxious because of my thoughts.

I came out to my parents a few years back but it wasn’t until Thanksgiving that we really talked about it again. In fact, I think they better understood the ultimate challenge I face better than I did when I first told them. But as for coming out to anyone else; I have not. Even so, thoughts of coming out have been swimming between my ears.

And though my parents have some what of a clue as to what my struggle entails, but I don’t know that they REALLY know how close I am to declaring my homosexuality and moving on. I don’t think I really know how close I am to it either. It scares me to think of being fully “out” and living a gay life. Because it scares me, I think I tell myself that “I still don’t now what I want” but deep down inside I am decided.

I am afraid that by coming out I will only ever be seen as a gay man, and nothing else. That it will be an identifying feature that most people won’t be able to look past and what scares me even more is that being gay is all I will ever see in myself. I fear that the better parts of me will die.

I think about what that would mean for me in the long run and I wonder if I would be happier than I am now. I think of wanting to be true to myself on all fronts of life and yet I wonder if I can ever fully accomplish the becoming of who I want to be by being true to myself.

I have thought of giving my parents the link to this blog.

I was talking to my brother on the telephone last week about a long time friend of mine. He asked me if I “liked” her. After telling him no, he responded, “You’re never interested in girls.” I felt my face flush and a mild pulse of indignation course through my body. I have thought about telling my brother that I am gay.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a married friend. She asked me the classic insult question. “If you have been back from your mission for 3 ½ years, then why aren’t you married yet?” I wanted to tell her, “Well, you see, the prophets have counseled us to seek out a spouse and marry in the temple, but when it comes to homosexuals, they tell us it’s better if we don’t.” The truth of the matter is, heterosexual marriage is really unappealing to me because of my homosexuality.

My thoughts are many and fragmented. I usually wouldn’t post something this disjointed, but I will anyway.

Batting For The Pink Team

2007-01-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

Much of my blog thus far has really been a debate over what I really want out of life in the long run. Do I want to pursue a long term same-sex relationship or would I be better off trying to make a heterosexual relationship work? I mean, ultimately which relationship will work better for me? The fact of the matter is that regardless of which relationship I choose to pursue, I will have to make some sacrifice.

A homosexual relationship would deny me my own natural born children, remove any possibility of making peace with the Church, intense social pressure (in the 'coming out' process) , and bring on a whole world of politics that I am not sure I want to get into. Furthermore, I identify with traditional family roles. I have a hard time picturing myself with a man and kissing him good bye as I leave for work while he hands me my sack lunch. Envisioning myself with that kind of a life is foreign to me, and perhaps my resistance to a homosexual plot is because I was raised in a heterosexual home, grew up with heterosexual friends, and the reality that nearly half of my friends in my current peer group are married. In truth, it is possible that my hesitation to such is less nature than nurture. Not that a homosexual relationship can't work for me or that my paradigm can't change (though sometimes I have doubts about my ability to have a healthy productive love relationship with anyone on account of my previous unsuccessful relationships), but more that I just can't picture myself in a same sex relationship, and it would seem unnatural to force such a scenario.

Conversely, what if I were to pursue a heterosexual life? Certainly there are many men in my shoes that have chosen to live in a heterosexual marriage. Many of them have been successful in proving that a marriage can survive despite their intense homosexual feelings. Many of them have also chosen to abandon their marriages to try batting for the pink team. Would I be able to romance a woman to the point of considering marriage? Am I expected to lead her on until I have her sufficiently wooed and then break the news to her? I can't lie about my feelings and I won't pretend to be somebody else from the get-go. Not that I feel the need to wear my emotions on my sleeve and announce to the world everything about myself, but I am not going to lie about my feelings. Additionally, I think it is safe to assume that the great majority of women aren't interested in getting romantically involved with gay men much less married to them.

I hear and read about many men who have not told their wives about their homosexual feelings. I couldn't keep that reality away from my wife. Furthermore, were I to share my feelings with my wife, how could I expect to be completely honest and open with her about how "un attracted" I am to her, how much I "want" to be living a homosexual life, and expect her to remain objective and supportive? It's not fair to do that to her.

And then, WOAH! Throw some offspring into the mix and I have created quite the tangle. Children need completely devoted and committed parents. Anything less is unsatisfactory. I've said it before, I'd be willing to give marriage a shot, but you can't go into marriage with a sampler's attitude. There are no test-drives for marriage.

How did the married homosexual men out there ever convince a woman to marry them? How were they able to search out a woman, date her exclusively, and then finally decide that marriage was the road to take? How does one come to that place? I ask because, from where I see it, finding the woman who matches the criteria for me to date is virtually impossible. Like I said, what woman wants to date a gay man who is basically not sexually attracted to her?

On the opposing side, I think it would be incredibly difficult to find a gay man that would be able to meet my criteria for dating AND for me to feel comfortable in the relationship. Again, not that it's impossible, but it's difficult for me to see myself with a boyfriend. I think it would be hard for me to find a gay man that could emotionally "complete" me. Additionally, how do you put yourself "out there" trying to meet gay men and yet remain "in the closet" so as to keep yourself from getting kicked out of BYU? Maybe I need to transfer schools...

Finally, my greatest concern with coming out. It's not that I am afraid of the social responsibility associated with making such an announcement (not that I would write it on my forehead or anything). It is indeed worrisome and deserves deliberation, but it is within my personal emotional capability to cope with coming out. I have a great family with incredible support. My primary concern would be this, what if a few years down the road I want to switch teams? What if I realize that living a gay life isn't fulfilling and decide that I want to try the straight thing again? Am I allowed to do that? I mean the truth is, I don't think anyone is interested in dating someone who apparently is insecure with what he wants relationship wise. Too much instability and lack of commitment. I wouldn't want to date someone like that. So maybe celibacy is the answer. That stinks. Who wants that?

The frustrating thing is, (not to sound overly egotistical) I really think I am a damn fine catch -for a woman or a man. I have goals, I am balanced, I am confident in most everything I do, I like me, and I don't feel like I settle for less in life. I am willing to give new things a try. I thrive on experience and I allow my experience to become part of who I am. I have a vivid personality, a great sense of humor, and I can get along with nearly anyone. I can be charismatic when I want to be and I'm generally well liked. And while I recognize that physical appearance is of little significance, I like the way I look too. I mean, looks only last as long as youth does anyway right? I can be the life of the party or I can be a wall flower. I succeed in most things I pursue as long as it doesn’t require more than basic arithmetic. :-) I am a thinker and a leader. I feel passionately about a lot of things and I enjoy life. I am a problem solver. Instead of shrugging my shoulders I will work to find a solution and make the impossible, possible even when I have few or limited variables to work with. I am not afraid to tell someone I love them. I am honest with myself, my friends and my associates even when honesty can hurt, but benefit in the long run. I don't play with other people's feelings and expect the same in return. I want to love and to be loved.

I hope that doesn’t sound like a vain monologue because I know that I am no better or more valued than anyone else. I am an equal with everyone. I believe that and I live my life accordingly. It's just that I know who I am, I like the man that God created and I wouldn't want to change a thing about me.

So which path do I take? Which team do I play for? If I bat for the pink team, and I start to strike out in life, can I ever go back to my home team, or would it be far too late for making such life-changing decisions after having played in the prime of my life? It is a question that no one can answer for me but Father Time and Professor Experience.

The reality of my Christmas

2006-12-16T02:42:00.000-08:00

Life has calmed down quite a bit from the melodrama of October. I am working and finding life relatively enjoyable. I don’t think I have life figured out any more now than I did before, but at least I have some clarity to think. I have a couple really good part-time jobs and I am getting myself out of the financial hole I put myself in back in October.

Part of my being hired though was the agreement that I would be able to work through Christmas and New Years. I agreed without much hesitation. I prided myself that I could put economic sensibility in front of holiday fanfare. Besides, I really like the job. It’s a lot of fun.

Earlier tonight when I went into work, there was no snow outside at all. It wasn’t until one of my co-workers went outside to empty the trash that he commented on how beautiful it was. In my mind I was dreading the pending season and was disappointed with the reminder that a cold, dead winter was just getting under way.“Is it sticking?” I asked. “Not too much yet,” he replied. “But it’s perfect! It’s the kind of snow you want on Christmas Eve.”

After work I went outside to my car. Most of everything was slowly disapearing in the white snow. The pavement, however, seemed to resist the snow and was more slush than anything else. I grumbled as I shook the sogginess from my shoes and climbed in my car. I didn’t feel much like going home so I went and visited a friend for a little while. He was excited about the snow that was coming down. We looked out the window. The pavement’s defiance to the snow had weakened and it too was beginning to disappear under the mantle of white.

“Do you love the snow?” he asked. When I was a kid I used to love the snow. I looked forward to winter just for the snow. Where I grew up we got snow a few times in winter, but it only ever lasted a few days or weeks at most and then it was gone. I always wanted school to be canceled so that I could go sledding on my oversized black inner tube. It was a great thing. I would take to the river in the summer and sled with it in the winter. It was an essential part of winter to play in the snow when I was growing up. I was the one that always encouraged my brothers to come out and play in the snow with me. It didn’t matter how cold it was, I was out there.

Things are so different now that I am an adult though. It’s not all fun and games anymore. Snow means getting out earlier to start my truck so that it is warm when I drive it, brushing off the snow on the windshield, driving through bumper to bumper mountain passes, bringing soggy shoes into the house and wading through puddles that my careless roommates created when they didn’t brush the snow off before coming into the house. Cold. Wet.

“I guess I like it all right,” I lied. “It is beautiful.”

“I love the snow.” He said.

I got into my truck to head home. It was remarkable how the landscape had changed so much in just a mere inch of snow. The night sky was lit up with the reflection of civilization against the snow and clouds. I guess I don’t mind driving in the snow since I have four-wheel-drive. I welcomed the strange hypnotic feeling of traveling through science fiction outer space as the snow flew over my windshield.

Shortly after returning home, I went back out into the snow to the grocery store with my roommates. Neither one of them has a car and one of them doesn’t even have a license to drive. So we always run errands together even if it’s late. The real reason we went tonight, in the snow, had more to do with my roommate’s addiction to Pepsi than an actual need for groceries.

We walked up and down every isle to make sure that we had everything we needed. Trips to the store are more difficult for them because of their mobility handicap so they are sure to take advantage of the store while they are there. I wandered around not really wanting to buy much of anything. Christmas paraphernalia was on every isle and the Christmas music blaring. I used to love Christmas music –to sing it, to listen to it. I just bothered me tonight though. It wasn’t even beautiful to me. It was obnoxious.

Last Christmas was probably the worst ever. My parents had found themselves in one of the most trying times of their lives. My father just a few months earlier had been diagnosed with late stage-three cancer. He had undergone major surgery and now he was going through intense chemo-therapy. He had lost his personality and sense of humor in the process. He was pale, grey, and wilted. Things between mom and dad had also not been the best over the last several months and their marriage was strained. To make matters worse, because of my father’s cancer, he was unable to work and the only way they could survive was to sell their home, their sanctuary of 14 years so that they could live off of the equity. They moved into a small rented house in town just 15 days before Christmas. When I arrived home for the break from university, everything was a mess, in boxes, and piles; my parents too emotionally exhausted to even face the work of sorting and unpacking their life. I wanted so badly to organize everything for them, but I just couldn’t do it all. I came down with one of the worst cases of the flu ever. I was out with a high fever for nearly a week. I hated being home unable to move in the midst of such a life-wreck. We didn’t even put a Christmas tree up last year. No one was happy.

Even though I had a week and a half left before school started, I left to go back before New Years just to get away from everything. I sat on the edge of the futon packing my things, grateful to be leaving the horrible place that my parents were living in. My mom walked in and watched me pack. She started to cry. My mom hates crying in front of other people so she always tries to hold it in. She walked over and knelt down in front of me. Trying to sniff back the tears so that she could talk. “I know this hasn’t been how you wanted it to be –that it’s been hard for you,” she sobbed. “I just don’t want you stop coming home.” I wanted to cry, but I was too angry at life to cry. I just sat there paralyzed as her tears soaked my knees…

I continued to wander aimlessly through the grocery store amazed at the embellishment of normal products under the guise of Christmas spirit. I saw a display of Mother’s brand Circus Animal cookies. Ever since I was a child, these cookies have been a snack favorite of mine. The top of the display had the normal pink and white cookies where as the eye level and arm’s reach portion of the display had the holiday version of the same product in green, red, and white. I reached high for a bag of the non-holiday cookies. But before I could grab the bag I noticed that to buy the normal cookies I would have to pay nearly fifty cents more than if I bought the holiday version. I didn’t want the holiday cookies. I wanted the pink and white ones that I always ate, but the store probably realized that they basically had until Christmas to sell out the holiday cookies and consequently lowered their price to accommodate the upcoming deadline and to persuade customers to dish out their cash on the festive cookies alternatively.

I stood there and stared at the bag of holiday cookies that I didn’t want. The Christmas music played the worn out tunes and I subconsciously hummed along with it. Unexpectedly I was overwhelmed with the sadness realizing that I would be spending Christmas by myself in my apartment. There would be no Christmas decorations, no family or friends or even roommates to watch Christmas movies with, no feast. Nothing. I will spend Christmas all alone hundreds of miles away from those that I love most. I just stood there glaring at the stupid bag of holiday cookies. I tried to swallow the knot of sadness welling in my throat. I miss my family. And as much as I lie to everyone and tell them that I will be fine, the truth is, I will be lonely without them this year.

I continued staring at the cookies, the familiar Christmas feeling sweeping over me and leaving a heap of sadness in its wake. My eyes burned from not blinking as I was lost in my thoughts.

My roommate pulled up with our shopping cart. I continued staring. “You gonna buy some?” He asked noticing my fixation. I looked over to him, gave him a dry half-smile, grabbed three bags of the holiday cookies, threw them into the cart, and continued to wander.

The Rest of the Story

2006-12-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

At Last! I know you all have been waiting with baited breath for the rest of the story to unfold as to the meeting between JS and myself. The following are excerpts from emails:

Caspian-

I am sorry that you felt compromised by meeting my friends, I guess that was my fault for assuming that you would comfortable with them like I am. Forgive me for not taking your feelings into more consideration.

All I ever said to them was "you were someone I met on a blog." The end. I didn't tell them it was a blog dealing with gay issues, or anything about your blog. They know nothing of the intimacies of your life, I don't out people like that. The only connection they had to the fact that you were even remotely dealing with issues was that I wanted to meet you because I'm the same way.

I think the one thing that probably offended me MOST was you assuming that I would lack respect for you. Let me assure that if there is anything I have it's respect for other people and their privacy. I would never ever ever give your blog link out or tell anyone about anything on your blog. Your anonymity is safe. I promise you that. I KNOW that "this" can be hard, and that blogging is a help to many. No one around me knows about these blogs except me. I respect you and your privacy, the privacy of everyone who blogs actually. I'm not trying to endanger anything you all do by sharing your feelings and honestys. For the record, you weren't being an ass, you were protecting yourself. Been there, done that. Again, I have always respected you, I would never even THINK of leading people to your blog.

I'm sorry for the disorienting nature of what happened. I had the inclination to say do you want to go somewhere and talk, but I didn't.

Let me tell why I didn't. Because I was under the impression from the second you got there, that meeting me was a letdown for you and you were not interested in me more than 2%. After all, you did engage in FAR more conversation with my friends than me. In fact, I felt quite ignored. The reason why I made comments about a "brotherhood" etc, and wanting to be your friend, etc. is because I was making feeble attempts to reconnect with you once I felt you lost all interest in me. I'm not trying to be self-centered, I'm just giving you my prespective. Part of my personality and the way I connect with people is through intimacy (the non-sexual, non-physical kind). I thrive on my personal honesty and openness and if I trust them I will self-disclose...pretty much anything. I get the impression that you are not like that and want to keep your struggle to yourself. That is your perogative and I will respect that. But it's interesting the next sentence you wrote: "I am willing to be friends, but friendship takes time and needs to be built upon multiple commonalities." Those comments on brotherhood and friendship were again, a feeble attempt, to establish commonalities...because I didn't have anything else to go on, and frankly, I was floundering to connect with you.

I agree with what you said that my friends have not earned the right to know the intricacies of your struggle and what is going on with you... not even I have earned that. All they know is hey, one more guy who is kinda like JS; gay, or whatever I can call you since you don't want to be labeled. And not that it matters, but in their defense... they are completely chill, gay, bi, hetero, whatever. They don't judge anyone, ever. That's why I like them. I know them and they aren't the people to fixate on that topic if you don't want to. And as I remember, the conversation didn't.

You said you need me to understand and I'm trying. I'm sorry for not considering how uncomfortable other people would be for you. Again, they do not know anything about your privacies or struggles, I am not one to share other's lives. That is yours and your decision to share, or not. In no way was I consciously trying to center on that and draw it out as your distinguishing feature; sorry if you felt my comments did that. On no level have you hurt my feelings or offended me. I RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS. AND I RESPECT YOU. ALWAYS.

I don't know what else I can do to right this. Clearly, the word "sorry" does not repair damage done or uncomfortable feelings felt. It only shows I regret not considering how you would feel and how that would be.

A rocky start indeed, but yes, good to meet you. If you wish to continue our interacting, and/or try again, I am willing...alone this time. lol Just drop me a line.

~JS

And my reply:

Phew! Thanks for the email! And I do feel TONS better now. Yes, you are right that you have also not earned my trust, but you were in a slightly more trustworthy position than they... probably because of the intense surprise that I felt upon meeting them -surprise to be meeting them. I know that I "ignored" you. The primary reason was because I felt that I needed to feel out your friends to see if I could trust them. I needed to know what they knew without "outing" myself to them.

I apologize if I was neglectful, but it wasn't for lack of interest as much as it was for trying to calm my awkwardly pounding heart. And, the truth is that I DO indeed thrive on intellectual conversation -to uproot the rooted, to whether the raw, and to filter the unrefined. I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and I apologize if I seemed somewhat distant... I was nervous and on the defensive.

Thank you so much for respecting my feelings. And as far as I am concerned we can consider the matter closed and no longer a need to fret over it.

~Caspian

2006-12-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note:
In my post Man vs. Self I said some pretty strong words... I need to clarify and so I have posted a dialogue between myself and Scot as a further explanation.

-Cas

Anonymity

2006-12-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I feel like I may have made a mistake that has compromised my anonymity here in blog land. I got an email from a "fan" of my blog and he expressed interest in meeting for the sake of support and discussion. I agreed. Things did not unfold as I had expected. I was pretty miffed about the whole thing and when I got home I wrote this email to him:

JS-
I just want to make a couple things clear so that you understand where I am coming from and for the sake of transparency.

I really wasn't expecting to be introduced to any of your friends gay friendly or not. You need to understand how completely awkward of a situation you put me in. You introduced me to them as someone you met on a blog. Ok, I guess, but they seemed to understand that this was a blog that dealt with gay latter-day saint issues. Immediately I begin wondering, "Wow have they read my blog and now know who I am?" "What has JS told them?" "Can JS accurately describe my ever-changing feelings or do I need to offer and explanation to these two strangers?" As far as I know they haven't read my blog and I assume and would appreciate it that you won't share with them the link to my blog nor the contents of my blog. You have to know that it is intensely uncomfortable to walk into a situation where you have no idea what the other people know about you, but simply know that they know about the intimacies of your life on some level and you know NOTHING of them.

That's the reason why I have my blog, I want to remain anonymous. I broke a personal rule by meeting you. I was not expecting to meet anyone else. Don't get me wrong, your friends seem like great people and I am sure we would get along just fine. But I am forced to put a lot of trust in strangers with one of the most intimate struggles of my life. Even if they know next to nothing about the details of my struggle, they have not earned the privilege to know; the privilege to be trusted. Even some of my dearest friends that I am closest to do not know about my struggles. Call it closeted if you like, but I say its keeping my sacred struggle sacred.

I also want you to know that my blog still remains my one place where I am able to be completely honest. Don't be surprised if you read something on my blog that mentions my frustrations about tonight. And, yes, I will respect your anonymity. If this meeting has compromised my ability to be both transparent and anonymous in my blog then I will delete my blog and start over. Do you understand? I'm not writing this to be an ass. I need you to understand where I am coming from and why it is important for you to respect my wishes.

I am not ready to be identified as either gay or straight or bisexual. I am not part of an underground gay LDS community. I am me. I have friends and support. You expressed interest in meeting me because you wanted to know more about my stance and opinions -an open dialogue. And simply because you and I share one thing in common, it doesn't mean that we are instant friends with an instant kinship or "brotherhood." I am willing to be friends, but friendship takes time and needs to be built upon multiple commonalities. You may very well find that you don't particularly like my personality and that's ok. We aren't expected to be friends with everyone we meet. Simply because I am a Mormon it doesn't mean that I am friends with the greater part of Provo.

JS, I am sure that my forthrightness may be a bit harsh sounding,but I really need you to understand. I'm sure on some level in writing this I may have hurt your feelings as well and I am sorry. It is not easy to write something so critical to someone that I hardly know and then expect them to respect my feelings. But that is what I am asking you to do. I also hope on the same token that you will be frank and honest with me. After all, this is partially my fault for being so careless with keeping my privacies private.

So that is what I wrote... I am left feeling pretty uneasy right now too. Ya know, I mean hell, the fact that I have same-sex attraction whatevers doesn't mean that it is the only defining feature of my life.... there is a helluva lot more to me than that. That is one reason why I don't feel such a need to share it with even my closest friends.

And I do feel that my struggle is sacred. It is what I was destined to have as part of my life. Its what I do with it that matters. Isn't that how it is with all aspects of life?

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I stress myself out??? Grrrrrr.

I need some feedback on this one guys...

-Cas

Man Vs Self

2006-12-04T00:37:00.000-08:00

Learning to undo years of self loathing was a painful but liberating process. But the tables have turned. I used to really love my life and my goals and who I wanted to be and what I believed I could become, but hated myself and was afraid of my SSA. I knew that the only way I could ever become the person that I wanted to be was to somehow let go of all the pent up energy, fear, self loathing, and shame. I finally did it and I was free.

However, now as I look at my life, I hate the direction it is going. I have lost my goals, my passions, my beliefs, and I don’t like what I am becoming. But I love me, I have accepted me and I wouldn’t want to change who I really am.

I find that I no longer hold myself accountable for my actions. I consequently victimize myself. I make poor choices and then justify them and say, “Well, I can’t blame myself for this because my set of challenges is unique and God cannot judge me for this.” I am not happy.

In the end it is just a fight against myself.

In my last post Elbow commented that I am at a cross-roads and that it is an exciting time for me. Well, as exciting as it may be at times, I am overwhelmed by indecision. It seems like I am trying to regain some sort of a direction for my life again and I can’t seem to get it right. I have made peace with myself, with who I am but I have not yet made peace with my life. My path is so cloudy and unsure and I am used to making decisions and just going for it and being at peace with it. But now everything has changed. Every choice I make it seems leads me to even more unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life.

It would seem that in order for me to unconditionally love myself I had to sacrifice my happiness. How bizarre! Shouldn’t loving yourself bring complete happiness?

I spent some time out on the “scene” this weekend. I was reminded again of how repulsive the gay lifestyle is to me –that I don’t want to live out my pornographic fantasies as my life. I don’t identify with the gay lifestyle. I identify with heterosexuals and the heterosexual lifestyle. My closest friends are all straight and many of them married. The gay lifestyle is nothing more than a fantasy for me that I live out on an occasional weekend and return to my heterosexual world with disgust for my fantasy. My fear is that because I no longer have a base from which to draw personal strength from (as the Church once provided for me), that I will eventually try to make my fantasy my reality and that I will be left without a real life –a life without meaningful relationships, family, and ultimately making a difference in this world. I’ve said it before; I was called and created to make a difference in this world –to really do something special, to become someone. But my fantasy has begun to dismantle my goals, hopes, and dreams into a life of vanity and self serving attitudes.

Going Home

2006-11-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

Going home for Thanksgiving was good. Over the last few years when I have returned home from school for one reason or another I am always inundated with a flood of emotions; sometimes positive sometimes negative. The last few times had been really good, but this time I was surprised that I felt so disconnected from my family –as if I lived in a different world than they. Perhaps there is some validity to that. I have been acting more on my homosexual tenancies in the last few months than I ever have in my entire life. And conversely, as it is no surprise, my family lives in a very heterosexual world.

I first came out to my parents when I returned from my mission. I had such gained a level of self confidence from my mission that I felt ready to tell them with some assurance of support. My parents are wonderful and have always been particularly in tune with their children’s feelings. After the first time speaking openly about the fact that I struggle with same-gender attraction issues, it became somewhat of a closed topic –not because my parents were in denial or particularly uncomfortable with the topic, but mostly because I wanted them to know that I struggled and leave it at that… I didn’t want any prodding or pushing for more information. My parents were simply there for me if I needed. Years have passed since that first uncomfortable discussion and very little was ever discussed again. However, again, the time had come for greater transparency with my parents, and Thanksgiving provided me that opportunity.

Essentially I shared with my parents everything I have written here in my blog save the detail that my blog provides. It felt good to share and be completely honest in my feelings and my parents truly respect that I trust them enough to share these things. The bulk of my discussion centered on my unresolved feelings toward the Church. (See my Nov 15th post.) It’s not that I don’t believe in Christ or something as much as it is that I’m unresolved and un-reconciled to the doctrine of Christ –that it just doesn’t make sense to me.

My father is a convert to the Church. He joined several years after marrying my mother, but even so, my upbringing in the Church was less than typical. And though they tried to hide it from us kids for fear of negative influence, my parents still drank occasionally and had their morning cup of joe until I was in High School. I used to resent my father’s wishy-washy attitude towards the commandments. I wanted someone who was firm and stern in the gospel. I used to stand in judgment of him for being so lukewarm. My father always had a respect for the sacred. It wasn’t that he had a wide rebellious streak as much as he really just struggled with his testimony. Fearing that his un-sureness would influence my siblings and me, my father never spoke of the Church or his testimony. In fact my father was never a leader in the household for the most part. We never had family home evening or scripture study or family prayer except at dinner time. My father just didn’t want to lie to himself nor to us. He never really spoke of this concept that I am writing about, but I have put the pieces together as I have gotten older and completely relate to where he stands with the Church. However he has my mother and she supports him in his times of doubt, but it is still difficult for him.

So anyway, there I sat on the couch across from my parents pouring my heart out about my concerns. Mom cried, Dad understood. I find myself echoing the same concerns that have haunted my father and consequently troubled my mother for years. We are not your average Mormon family. Neither my father nor I have ever felt the truly lasting, permanent conversion feelings that so many members claim to have from living the Mormon lifestyle. I’m not saying that the Church is false or wrong or doctrinally flawed, but merely that I have had no long lasting testimonial witness. I won’t deny that I have felt things at times and that the Church has done much good in my life, but that overwhelmingly I have never been converted. I tried, forced, and have lied to myself for years about the Church because I wanted so badly for it to be true and for it to rescue me from my homosexuality. [Note that I wanted it to be true and to rescue me. Not simply to be true for the sake of rescuing me.]

Like I said already, my parents are very intuitive and incredibly connected to their children. My parents actually confessed to me something of particular interest this last week. Apparently when I was five or so they took me to a psychiatrist because they had concerns that I might be… ummm… how do I say it…. Gay? Yeah. They had some inclination early on. Don’t get me wrong, it's not like I’m “obvious.” Even my gay friends wouldn't have guessed. I’m not feminine or walk swishy and most of the time I do all of my own work on my truck. About the only truly “gay characteristic” I have is that I know how to dress well, but even straight guys can do that (though not all).

Anyway, as I shared openly my concerns about everything from the Church to trying to identify my sexual orientation my parents were able to voice concerns that they had had for some time but were unable to discuss because of closed lines of communication. Marriage, my future… My mom is concerned about my salvation. I don’t really know what to tell them as to where I go from here nor do I want to make them promises. Really my mother knows what a struggle it has been for my father to be in the church and for her to see me come forth with the same concerns but with the added burden of homosexuality she really worries that there is really no hope at all for me to ever stay in the Church.

I don’t know why God has never really ‘come to me’ and put something permanent and lasting in my heart. Why hasn’t he done the same with my father? If I knew the Church were true and I believed in Christ and had a firm testimony that the Church was true and that Christ was who they say he is and that he would support me and aid me in my battles I could continue on being a member of the Church. I could deal with my homosexuality and being Mormon at the same time. But without any sort of foundation to build on, it’s somewhat unreasonable for me to expect to continue to wander in the halls of Mormonism and keep confusing myself.

And for clarity’s sake, I want to explain that I don’t expect that God would suddenly put some testimony out-of-the-blue in my heart, but rather that from day to day, church act to church act, I would receive sustenance that would build me up. Instead it was always a battle reading my scriptures. I never felt like it got me any closer to God and it only served to frustrate me even more. So I still remain unresolved. I don’t know where I go from here and I don’t know what the future holds for me. I fully recognize that I am the author of my life and that I choose where I want to go and what I want to do. I want to be happy, and I want to be close to God and I think that those two ideals are completely achievable. I have no idea how to achieve it though and I don’t want to give up on either one or to feel like I have to give up one to have the other.

Petrified!

2006-11-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to my parents house for Thanksgiving. I am going to be more open and upfront about whats been going on in my life than I have ever been with them. I am scared to death.

-Cas

Missing Person

2006-11-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

I am disappearing. I hardly recognize myself anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me. Sometimes I just try to feel nothing because the reality of what is happening to me is such a tragedy. I'm not trying to sound fatalistic or mellowdramatic. If you were to talk to any of my close friends they would tell you that I am ambitious, a leader, a dreamer, and that I am really going places with my life. Most of them still think that of me. But that is all changing. I can hardly cope with my daily life anymore much less really think of cultivating a truly meaningful life.

When did this metamorphosis begin? How did it all come to this?
I suppose it was last January that I had a huge break through. For the first time I really began to live my life. I began the beautiful process of learning to love myself unconditionally. I no longer cared what anyone else thought of me. It was at that point that being a member of the Church was no longer about keeping up appearances or doing church activities such as scripture reading and home teaching out of fear of not doing EVERYTHING perfectly. Through that process of letting go though, I completely had to reevaluate my reasons for being a member of the Church. Do I really believe it all? I began taking steps backward to find out what I believed in. Essentially over the next several months I began to take the “house” down to the “foundation.”

God –is he there? Yes, I believe he is. Beyond that I don’t know so much. What does God want from me? Why did he make me as I am? What does he expect from me out of my life and do I have the courage to pursue that?

I am so tired of fighting this, and I don’t feel like I have any strength to fight the battle against my homosexuality any more. I feel like because God never has “rescued me” from it that perhaps I can’t be held accountable for embracing it. But that’s not even the heart of the matter… It’s like the more that I try to accept things that I cannot change and try to do the best that I can, the less desire I have to progress personally and spiritually. Ever since coming to grips with life, I have become more apathetic towards it and a disillusioned pessimist.

I won’t deny that God has played a role in my life. He has helped me to overcome much. He has put me through so many many learning experiences (i.e. trials) that have shaped who I am. I am grateful for them too because I like who I am. All of these learning experiences however have brought me to the place I am at now –that God has lead me here. But now that I am here, I feel like I am left in the dark. Like I was lead into an endless hallway and the door was shut and locked behind me and all of the doors in this endless hall are either locked or lead into another dark endless hallway. I don’t know where to go anymore for answers.

I want to have a meaningful life, but it seems impossible anymore. I am like a musician who has lost his muse. I have begun this downward spiral where I am willing to settle for less. Can you believe it? Mediocrity! Someone as wonderful, as talented, and as great as me is settling for bare minimum out of his life and I don’t even know why damnit! Why have I lost my strength? Why have I lost my zeal for living and making a difference in the world? Where did it go? How can I get it back?

If the real me continues to vanish, what will happen to me? It scares me to death! I don’t know where I’ll be in the next year. I used to have everything planned out and now I don’t even know if I’ll even attempt to accomplish any of my life goals. What am I supposed to do?

God, Jesus and Satan

2006-11-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

In response to the thoughtful comments to my last post, Personal Value, I would like to clarify a few things. There are reasons for leaving the Church, and excuses for leaving the Church. The gripes listed in Personal Value would be excuses for leaving the Church. I have long time friends who have left the Church because of excuses. I want to try to dig into my reasons in this blog. I’m not about to leave the Church just yet, I just need to get this off my chest. I also want to say that I am not questioning my religion based on the fact that I am a homosexual. These are deep rooted concerns that have gnawed at me for some time. The difference now though is that I am being honest with myself about my religious concerns.

I need to start by saing that I KNOW God loves me. He loves me for who I am, how he made me and for who I can become. But mostly he loves me because he created me and in me is a part of who he is. He will always love me infinitely. He is concerned with the details of my life and he wants me to be happy and live with him after this life. I don’t know God personally as much as I would like to, but I need open lines of communication with him again so that I can know him better.

I have a really hard time believing in Satan. I look at all the good and evil in this world and see that the contrasts between good and evil essentially distinguish good from evil. In other words, you cannot have good without evil and you cannot know the difference without experiencing the two. Isn’t that the whole teaching in lessons derived from the Garden of Eden?

However, sometimes I look at the concept of Satan as merely an embodiment of the concept of evil but that he is not a real being. Evil is what evil is –the opposite of good. I see Satan as the mythical definition of evil. I think Satan is often used as a scapegoat for temptation. When I am tempted to do something “evil” or to give in to my “natural man” tendencies, isn’t it more just simply a concept of mortality? Of course I am tempted to do this or that thing that is evil; it is in my nature to do so! It is not because there is some mysterious evil being is lurking and trying to convince me. I am mortal with mortal passions.

Conversely, I struggle to believe in Christ. I think his teachings are beautiful. The thought of his suffering at the hands of evil men is a bitter irony to the contrast of the good he did while in mortality. But the idea that someone who lived so long ago having any connection with my life today seems very difficult to embrace. Do I really need a savior? Is Christ simply the embodiment of the longing for good and to be better people? Is it the hope that there is someone there to heal the wounds of mortality? Is the concept of a savior simply a remedy for the need to feel loved and infinitely understood and appreciated? And why can’t God the father do that? Isn’t he all knowing and all powerful? The idea of Christ is nice I suppose, but I have no evidence in my personal experience to believe in him as having any such personal connection with me.

And from what would Christ save me? If our divine purpose here is the experience of learning as mortals as proposed in the Garden of Eden dilemma, how can I be held accountable for the fact that I am flawed? God intended me to make mistakes and to stumble, that’s why life is as it is –flawed, difficult, and painful. But when we learn from life, when we learn from our mistakes, doesn’t that balance out the scales? “Where once I felt and acted this way, now I feel and act this way.” And even after that, I am still a flawed human beyond reconciliation on my own. Essentially, I was put here on Earth with an unfair disadvantage: Mortality. No matter how “good” I try to be, I still won’t be perfect. How can a just god hold me accountable for being short-sighted and weak? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that it doesn’t matter how I live my life, but moreover that grace and mercy should be extended freely as I seek learning and wisdom through the struggles of life.

People talk of there having to be someone to pay a price for the mistakes and imperfections of my mortal life –a mediator, or a savior, -that justice must be served. Why? Why must someone pay some sort of price? I don’t understand. And if there was a need for a mediator, why should I be tearfully, overly, grateful for having one? Like I said, I was put at an unfair disadvantage to begin with, I deserve one. I deserve my “get-out-of-jail free card,” I didn’t stand a chance anyway.

Here at the university, each student is different. All of us have some level of intelligence and work ethic. Some are more gifted than others, and the life situation surrounding each student may add to the success or detract from the success of the student. Sometimes the classes are hard. Some of us get A’s and some of us get B’s and some of us C’s and D’s. However only those who receive F’s do not graduate. Furthermore, there is no one who makes up the difference in the gap between the A student graduate and the D student graduate. We all graduate just the same.

How is that any different in life? As long as we don’t give up completely on growing, learning, and becoming, how can we be held truly accountable for every flaw of mortality? This is why I don’t understand the need for a savior.

Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this as a justification for any behavior. This IS my doctrinal dispute. I have always had a hard time understanding the role of Christ in the church. Most people struggle with accepting the Book of Mormon, prophets, Joseph Smith, temples, authority and on and on. I have never understood Christ or the Atonement.

When I was preparing to go on my mission, I told my stake president that I really didn’t understand Christ and that I didn’t feel like I had any kind of relationship with him, but that I loved God and loved praying to God and that I felt like he heard me. But why close prayer in the name of Christ? What does he have to do with anything? My stake president told me that it really wasn’t something to worry about, serve honorably and just to give it time and eventually I would gain that relationship.

I have spent YEARS reading my scriptures and praying every day, or nearly everyday. The gap between Christ and me has never closed, and I have never felt any lasting feeling of admiration for what people say “Christ has done for me.” I am tired of “reading and praying.” Whenever I express concern for my life or sins or anything, my ecclesiastical leaders tell me to read and pray. I feel like they are telling me to go say ten “Hail Mary’s” and that everything will then be ok. I strain my brain trying to figure out the meaning in the scriptures. As I sit and read I think to myself, “Maybe that is applicable to my situation? Am I receiving personal revelation? What if God is trying to tell me something?” In the end it feels more like superstition. I don’t really get anything out of reading.

Prayer can be good though –really good at times. But again, Christ plays what role for me in prayer? People say we close in the name of Christ because everything we have comes from Christ and that everything we do should be in the name of Christ. Is Christ some heavenly postman who delivers my prayers to God?

I hope I am not seen as sacrilegious or disrespectful. I fundamentally do not understand and I never have. I know to some of you I must also sound terribly arrogant, but let me explain. I have come to know that God loves me. I know that I am of infinite worth regardless of what happens to me or what I do with my life. I really believe that. I also believe that a lot more of us will make it in the end than we think. I’m not about to say that I am happy with my life, but I am happy with who I am –the unique creature that God created. I am being more honest with myself than I have been in a long time. I won’t deny that at one time, I really believed in the Church and that I have had wonderful, spiritual experiences in the Church –amazing experiences. But there was more fear than faith at that time in my life. I can’t live in fear of my own mortality; I won’t.

But to be completely honest… I don’t know what to believe anymore.

PS: If you made it all the way through to the end here, THANK YOU! You guys really help me think and reflect on all angles of this crazy situation I find myself in.

Personal Value

2006-11-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

I know it’s late and I should probably force myself into bed, but I was thinking –a dangerous thing at times.

Why should I leave the Church? I’m trying to look at this very objectively. I have no reason not to believe and yet no real reason to believe other than it’s the latest thing at BYU and all my friends are doing it. I guess the only real reason I would want to leave is to pursue a same-sex relationship. Is that a good enough reason? How does God feel about it? Does he even care? I know I can’t live both the Church and “The World.” I am so tired of mulling this over in my head. I wish it were simpler. I wish I could just be and be content.

I hear so many others on here with such strong convictions and faith. How do you do it?

I am just so confused and disillusioned with it all, I mean the mainstream Church, my ward. I see just as much (if not more) fake believers as I do real believers. [Yes, I know I am stereotyping and judging]

There is this one guy in my ward who just makes me cringe. At family home evening a few weeks ago he made some comment about how our purpose here on Earth is to prove ourselves to God that we can do his will. As if any hint of imperfection and sin would suddenly make us unloved or less loved by God. In the missionary discussions there is a similar line. It always seemed so backward to me.

How can I prove anything to an all-knowing being? I may sound Calvinistic but doesn’t he know the beginning and the end? I believe it is my choice and that I have agency for many things. I can change and grow and live my life to the fullest. It’s my doing, not anyone else’s. But to “prove” my self??? God knows me and my capabilities. There is nothing to prove. And to say that that is our purpose is so narrow and trivial.

And there are many people I see that live their lives in the “doing” phase. “I can pat myself on the back today because I read my scriptures” or “I did my home teaching” or “I have ____ as my calling” or “because I paid my tithes” or "I went to this confrence" or "I fasted for so long" or "I served as AP on my mission." And they really come unglued if they are perceived as not having filled such duties.

I also hate it when someone gets up to give a talk and immediately discredit everything they have prepared by saying something to the effect of "Yeah, this talk is probably gonna suck because of...." or "Sorry you have to listen to me." Don't they believe in themselves? Or is it just a formality to insult yourself and God?

I’m not bagging on doing good things, I am saying that our value as human beings doesn’t change based upon what we do or don’t do. Our value is based in our heritage as children of God; with the capacity to become as God. And who has that heritage? Everyone! Mormon, Pentecostal, homeless, inmate, Asian, African, Bishop, and yes, homosexual. We are all the same. No one is better or worse. Besides, we are all in the same hell-bound boat right? God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance so the scripture goes... You, me, President Hinkley, everyone... Granted some are living more fulfilling lives than others, but no one life is more valuable than another. I really believe that.

I see so many people base their personal value on what they have accomplished rather than who they are. Well nobody can do it all! That kind of a mentality breeds low self-esteem and perfectionism. Because I see so much of that I have a hard time buying the “doing” mission of the Church members (as opposed to the true doctrine of pure love in action). Again, I am not bagging on doing good. I am merely saying that motives are everything.

It’s my problem that I allow this to interfere with my own interaction with the Church… I’ve just become, well, disillusioned. I hate it how people try to get you to do something simply to support their own social psychology. I may be judgmental for saying so, but I hate being someone’s project for their own personal insecurities. I hate being someone’s assigned friend when I am Home Taught. I hate it when others think that the only happy people on Earth are Mormons. I hate others valuing me or devaluing me based on my perceived contribution to the Church. Am I just crazy or is this for real?

Can’t you just love me for me? I do.

PS: After reading over this I realize that I sound more annoyed than I really am... I just wish people could love themselves and stop breeding insecurities. I thought that's what the Church is for -to help people love themselves as God loves them... but I guess not. I am a judgemental SOB. Kind of ironic... I am judging people for judging themselves and others... ha.

Missing Piece

2006-11-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

I’m feeling a bit melancholy today. The last week has been one of much reflection. I am kind of a blur of emotions right now. I want so much to live the life I was born to live. What I am about to say I recognize is very controversial and I am not trying to stir up the dust or offend anyone. These are merely some of my thoughts.
The causes of homosexuality have been debated time and time again. Ultimately, I believe it is a combination of both environment and genetics. But I guess it is relatively unimportant, because I am who I am. And, in my case, I think it is may be a bit more environmental than genetic but who knows. I’m not about to pour out the story of my childhood and parents and so forth. Rather it will suffice to say that I had a relatively happy childhood with loving parents who did the best they could despite their own significant shortcomings.

I have been in and out of counseling for nearly ten years and I am only 24. I was to my recollection neither abused or unloved nor severely psychologically disturbed in any part of my life. Why such a need for counseling? I certainly have had some deep buried issues that have needed resolution. Counseling has been good. I don’t think I am inherently crazy or overly emotional. I don’t suffer from serious clinical depression or any other diagnosable psychological disorder. I have certainly been through bouts of serious depression and anxiety and even taken medications for brief periods, but this is not characteristic of me or my life.

In any case, I know I am not unique in my struggles and that the struggles I face have similar roots with other men who struggle with same gender attraction issues. I do however recognize that each case is unique yet shares similarities on one or many levels.

Now that I have thrown out my preface and disclaimer, I will cut to the chase. If there are obviously serious psychological issues that many if not most gay/homosexual/SSA/SGA/bisexual (whatever you want to call it) persons struggle with, and a portion of their attraction is caused by their psychology, can they ever have a truly meaningful and completely fulfilling relationship with someone of the same gender? If both partners are wading through heavy emotional/psychological difficulties, doesn’t that set them up for a not-so solid relationship? Isn’t that one of the reasons why the gay community is seen as so promiscuous? And likewise, can they have a fulfilling relationship with someone of the opposite gender? Can this psychology be overcome?

I hear those of us with SSA (for lack of better terminology) that are married talk of the intense struggle they bring into marriage and then the subsequent pain –that many of their sexual relations are forced, and unnatural. I am not questioning their choice or saying it is or was right or wrong for them to get married, but it’s something I must consider if I am to deem heterosexual marriage as an option for me.
Then on the other hand I look at my gay friends and my perception of the gay community. I don’t see many true fulfilling relationships there. There is much pain and many fleeting relationships. I can’t force a relationship there either. And if I was to pursue a same-sex relationship, I can’t help but see it as me giving up on getting to the bottom of my psychology, and really figuring out why I am the way I am, and more importantly who I am. I love self discovery. I see a same-sex relationship as suddenly confining myself to a lifestyle that doesn’t necessarily represent me.
I’ll admit, I have tired the gay scene; albeit only briefly. I found that the fantasy is much better than the reality. Many gay men speak of having a “need to be held in the arms of another man” and that close personal affection is what brings a feeling of resolution. I don’t feel so much “need to be held” however, I understand that “need” as I have felt it in the past, but I have changed and really have confidently grown into myself. I have very mutually satisfying relationships with regular straight guys. I am confident in those relationships. I think in order to have a truly satisfying sexual experience there must be a level of emotional satisfaction. My experiment upon the gay scene brought sexual satisfaction only to a degree because I received much emotional disappointment.

So I guess the best way to describe how I feel is that I am not emotionally attracted to men, but only physically. I don’t think I feel the need to receive intimate masculine affection emotionally in a homosexual way. I receive the affirmation I that need from my heterosexual male friendships. Yet somewhere inside, emotionally, I still seek a same-sex relationship. Why?

Consequently, I must ask myself how I feel about women. First, it’s hard to find a woman that really catches my heart. However, when I do find a woman that does, I immediately take on the role of “provider.” I very well can fit into the role of being the leader in a relationship, and that’s what I prefer. I am strong, opinionated, and aggressive with decision making. My relationships with women are fewer than that with men. This didn’t always used to be, but it is now. Maybe I am emotionally attracted to women, if I can find the right kind of woman. It is difficult to say. And then in response to marriage, what if I was to find the “right” kind of girl, settle down and marry? Would things go great for the first little while and then, because suddenly she is my “everything” would my male relationships suffer and I find myself desiring male intimacy?

I feel as if my life is suddenly put on hold until I can figure out what I really want. I feel like I have to guess and take risks to find these answers. I don’t know how I identify myself sexually. I am a man through and through. I love being a man. I love being masculine. More importantly I love me. I want to have someone else who loves me, intimately.

Yesterday, as I was waiting in a line I watched a couple interact. I watched as they exchanged words of affection. He pulled her close and kissed. I was jealous. His need for love and affection in a monogamous fulfilling relationship was being nurtured. Looking at my options as I have stated above, I don’t know that I will ever have something like that. It saddens, frustrates, and worries me to no end. It’s natural to feel the need to love and be loved. I just wonder if I will spend my entire life with this piece of my heart missing.

Where I stand

2006-11-01T11:43:00.000-08:00

2006-10-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

I’m feeling kind of blue. This has been an incredibly difficult semester for me on a number of levels. I feel like I have suddenly lost myself this semester. I used to be able to accomplish things, set goals, and live life without hesitation. I could achieve anything, and I believed it. I really was prepared to take on life by the horns. I was fearless, confident, strong. Now I don’t know what has happened. I feel as though my life has begun to slip out of my control. I hate school now. My grades reflect it this semester too. I had big dreams of really doing something great with my life and I worked for it. I enjoyed working hard and seeing the results but I don’t even care anymore. Certainly our long term goals evolve and become new and that which we used to want changes; thus is life. But my dreams haven’t changed, they’ve evaporated. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am walking a path that scares me. The academics I used to enjoy are a burden and now, even my favorite subject that I have studied for five semesters with an A every time is bogging me down and I feel awful. I know I am smart. I am really intelligent and creative. It’s all trapped inside me though. I don’t know why. I see my professors and really like them. I always try to keep somewhat of a relationship with my professors. But I am ashamed of my grades. I want my professors to know that I am smart; to know that I can do anything and that I can be successful even in hard classes. I took a test today for one of my political science classes. It’s an incredibly difficult course, the most difficult of the major and arguably one of the most difficult on campus. I sat down with my test, knowing that I wasn’t really prepared to take it. It was insulting to my intelligence. As I looked over the test, I knew that I could have studied and done well or at least passed. It would have taken preparation and work, but I could have done it. Instead I just BS-ed my way through the test, knowing full well that the professor is no idiot. He can smell BS just as well as anyone. Which is why I feel so stupid. The test didn’t reflect my intelligence and my ability. I didn’t even bother to check my work or fully follow the instructions… I just turned it in half-assed. I almost would rather have not taken the test at all. It’s embarrassing. It says, “I’m a lazy-ass son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t give a shit about school.” Even if it is true at the moment, it’s not characteristic of me or my deep desires. I feel humiliated.

Sick of this!

2006-10-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

Why am I so damn emotional? I’m really coming unglued. I don’t even want to write this because I am so disgusted with myself and the situation I find myself in. This whole homosexuality thing makes me want to vomit.
Two and a half years ago I was a very different person. I was so deep into denial about my issues that I believed in, that I was vehemently opposed to the public gay community. I said to myself, “Shoot, if I can choose to be straight then so can they!” I saw them as people who had given up on making themselves into something “clean and wholesome” and I judged them somewhat harshly –but only as harshly as I judged myself.
In the city where I am from there was a huge gay marriage fall-out and protesters were everywhere. I joined the ranks in protesting gay marriage. I saw it as a threat to my success as one who was trying and working at a deadly pace to overcome my same-sex attraction. I never hated anyone, as many of the protesters there did. Some carried signs reading “God Hates Faggots!” and “Eternal Damnation” and a whole slough of nasty threats. I will never forget the bull horn and the jerk who, in the name of god, condemned everyone there. Even though I was terrified of my own self and my personal struggles, I could never agree with such statements. How could I? In fact I got into an argument with the ass that was carrying the bull-horn. He condemned me for not agreeing with him. I stood as far away from him and his other haters in the designated protest area. Really I just didn’t want gay marriage to be passed into legislation as legal. That would have been too much for me.
When NPR interviewed me I never gave my name, I wanted to remain anonymous. I still want to. Several other radio stations and newspapers interviewed several people, but I was interviewed a lot. I always made sure to say that I didn’t hate anyone and that I just didn’t think that it was right or something… I dunno… I just remember that I felt like I was more of a voice of reason amidst the battle…
Anyway, enough of the stupid excuses! While the political struggle went on for more than two days, I was only there for a couple of hours. I ended up being photographed by one of the major national news magazines, and it was published with me in the forefront. I am the central focus of the picture. If I mentioned the magazine, you’d recognize it. I didn’t know that they took the picture and I didn’t even find out about it until eight months later when a friend from church congratulated me for being famous. I was a bit uneasy then, but nothing like I am now.
One of the students in my building came up to me tonight and said, “Hey I saw a picture of you today. Well, at least I think it was you.” I said, “Oh yeah? Where did you see it?” I had no idea where she was coming from or what picture she saw. “It was a picture of you at a protest.” My stomach began to knot up. “It is in my textbook.” Apparently this picture has become quite popular. I am practically clip-art now! Yes, I have seen the textbook, and yes it is me in the picture.
No one asked my permission to be put in the textbook. Someone made hella cash off of me for a mistake I made and it just makes me sick! I want it out! I want it to just go away. If I had known that it would have come to this I would have never gone to the stupid protest anyway! Not only do I feel like a hypocrite on some level, but this affects me more than you might realize. I am a political science major. While I don’t plan on getting into big-time politics, I do plan on being somewhat in the public eye. I feel like my going to that protest is like stepping into a hornets nest and some how, at some point in time, it will come back and sting me.
A friend from out of state called me while I was looking at my portrait in the textbook. As I was talking to her I expressed my disgust about the situation. I stood outside in the cold wondering if she could really hear that I was upset. She has been a good friend, one of those people that you can really trust. In fact, I had already considered coming-out to her on a couple of occasions. In truth, I am “out” to almost no one. I explained that my position on the issue had softened and that I no longer felt the same way. I gave her some valid but generic reasons, but also being cautious not to “give myself away.” Her basic response crushed me. “Yes, but Cas, what they do is so disgusting. Every time I think about gays and lesbians it just… Ooh!”
I was crushed. Not only did I expect her to be more understanding than most, but I thought she would be able to see people for who they are. I still don’t know where I stand on this issue for me. But I do know that there is more to me than the fact that I am attracted to men. I’m forever tagged. Stereotypes that are so hurtful. I will forever be stereotyped as a fag –that I like to wear women’s clothes, or talk with a lisp or am ultra feminine, or that I wish I was a woman, or that I am a pervert or a wimp or a child molester or a butt pirate! I’m none of those things. Most of my friends would never even suspect me to be homosexual. I like being a man, like being masculine, and I am not a wimp. I’ve never wanted to be a woman nor do I pretend to be a woman. I am a MAN. I can lead, take charge of a situation, I am strong, and yes, I do have good fashion sense. But damn it! There is so much more to me than just that! I have already said in previous posts that I love me. I love who I am. I can see beyond the homosexuality for who I am. I just wish others could…

Letting go and finding my way

2006-10-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I finally came to grips with my homosexuality. While I always knew that it was something that I dealt with and even sought help from professionals and my ecclesiastical leaders, I never accepted it as something that was inherently part of my life. I wanted so badly not to have to admit that I had a “different” side to me, that I labeled my self as a heterosexual who suffered from same-sex attraction as if it were a communicable disease. This “disease” I also believed had a cure. I was so far into denial, that I even criticized other LDS men that struggle with the world of problems associated with homosexuality. I saw them as weak for accepting it as part of them.

Nevertheless it was my enlightenment to learn otherwise. I threw away my pretense of perfection and began to embrace the flaws and follies of life. Suddenly I was free from worry and regret about the life that was mine. Immediately my self esteem and personal paradigm were redrawn and I finally began to live my life. I’m not about to suggest that I was wanting to live a gay [gay having not only a social but also a political context] lifestyle nor fully give into the urges that I felt. Rather, I felt that by wading through my homosexuality, I could explore what I felt and why I felt it. Moreover, by fully recognizing my struggles as part of what has shaped me to be who I am, I would be able to transcend that which had held me down for so long. It’s a beautiful thought.

I love me. I love who I am –my personality, my hopes and aspirations, everything that I can be and want to be. I am a good man. Many good things have happened to me in my life, and I believe many more good things will happen to me.

In many ways I am an optimist with jaded edges. I am a man full of conflict –both good and bad have their way with me. I wouldn’t change a thing about who I am, and my struggles that have shaped who I am. Naturally then, where it an option, I don’t know that I would change my homosexuality as it has provided a world of obstacles have played a role in shaping the contours of my life. In essence, I wouldn’t be the same man that I am today were it not for the problems associated with my homosexuality.

Do I like that I am a homosexual? No, not really. It has provided a unique set of challenges that I have yet to figure out. Much of the time it is overwhelming. But there are many challenges that I face that I just have to live with. I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect to be nor should anyone else expect it of me.

Despite all of that, I am mourning. I mourn that I likely will never have a normal romantic relationship. I don’t see heterosexual marriage as something that I can manipulate myself into in hopes that eventually it will provide a satisfying sexual and emotional relationship. I also don’t expect myself to ever be a father. The classic family picture is not likely going to ever be a part of my world. I suppose if I found the right girl, I would be willing to give it a shot. But what a way to enter a marriage relationship! I’ll give it a shot?!?!? No, I won’t put my wife through the emotional trauma. Neither do I see a same-sex relationship as providing me with stability and long-term happiness. I guess I still don’t really know what I would expect a same-sex relationship to provide me with. Additionally, the social consequences of having an open same-sex relationship would be quite painful. My brother-in-law would only see me as an apostate pervert. He wouldn’t let me ever be around my nephews again. Additionally, what about all the people that I have known for years? I would feel that I would have to make excuses or explain myself as to why I pursued a same-sex relationship. They would shake their heads and never be able to look at me beyond my homosexuality –which I HAVE been able to do. I see an amazing person. I see the man that God has created –talented, intelligent, and full of love.

This also is saddening to me because I want so much to love and to receive love; real love. I want to be part of a relationship that is mutually beneficial. I want the feeling of being completed and complimented by another person. Is that too much to ask for? Perhaps.

Truthfully, as ironic as it may be, the people I would least be afraid of “coming-out” to would be my parents. I have great parents. Even if in some “environmental” way my upbringing contributed to my homosexuality, I have made peace them and my relationship has never been better. I couldn’t have asked for more kind, understanding, and loving parents. I am so fortunate.

I know that some claim that there is a cure for same-sex attraction. And if there is, then I have yet to find it. Whatever the cure would be, this much is true: The cure is a process. It is contained within the chapters of a full life. Learning, sometimes painfully, and moving beyond that which was previously thought of as true is the only cure I know of for any problem. Changing and breaking false paradigms is what life is all about. Whether or not my same-gender attraction goes away is irrelevant to the fact that the process of achieving and growing is what makes life worth living. So whether or not it goes away does not matter to me.

Finally, I cannot reconcile myself with the Church. I do not know where to fit in with the Church, the society. Anymore I feel like an outsider looking in. Because I have experienced so much in my life, I cannot look at humanity with an ignorant eye as so many Mormons do. I know I stereotype, but there is so much more to life than the daily doings of the Church. Good can be found everywhere –not just amongst the Mormon society.

I suppose I should clarify though. I view the Church and the Gospel as two separate entities. I have no problems with gospel doctrine. I think the doctrines are beautiful. When truly understood as it is taught, the father-child relationship as the Gospel teaches us is spectacular. God is not some distant Zeus-like being that is ready to punish us for our sins at any moment, but rather, loves us –flawed, imperfect, and completely bound by the laws of mortality. He didn’t set us here to be perfect or to even become perfect. Perfection is an eternal process… I’m ok with that. If my imperfections include homosexuality, then so be it. It is the life I was intended to live.

It's almost ironic how polarized my personal conflicts are, or apear to be. I feel so much sadness because of what can never be and yet an incredible joy because of who I am. This too may never be reconciled. I want so much to be an influence for good in a world that in many ways if falling apart. The Church used to be my motivation. I felt like I was part of something greater than myself and that I could make a godly difference in the world. But now that I have “left the Church” (mentally) I am part of no such altruistic force. I feel lost and alone in so many ways. God is with me still, but the Church is not.

Last night I spoke with an old friend. She spoke of moving to Provo and making life decisions. She said, “You know, I really have no idea why I am here. Why now at this time in this place.” I realized that I also have no idea why I am here now either. For someone who believes divinely that there are reasons why things happen the way that they do, I feel purposeless here.

Despite the tiresome challenges I face, I have hope for the future. There is a place for me somewhere in this world, even if it is hidden from me at this time. I feel like I have to forge a trail, and that in most respects, I must blaze this trail all alone –which makes the longing to love and be loved that much stronger, and the loneliness that much greater.

But I will find my way...

Fish Death Wish

2006-10-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Augh! Gross. Ever opened up the jar of mayo only to find that the person before has used the same utensil to scoop a glob of mayo as was used to mash the tuna fish? Sick! Someone has a death-wish at my apartment. If salmonella doesn’t get them first, I will!

My Black Tuesday

2006-10-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, I hate to admit this about myself, but confession is good for the soul. I’ve been rather foolish during the last few months. I have been reckless with my finances. How did it come to this? I don’t know exactly, but my vanity has increased as my credit card debt has. The shameful thing about this is that it is exactly what my parents have done with their finances. I swore that I would never do what my parents have done, and I find myself paying debts with more debt. My parents have never been good with money. My father openly admits his weakness and is too paralyzed to do anything about it. Meanwhile my mother spends and then buries her head in the sand, and then when things start to put a pinch on her lifestyle, she blames my dad for not being balanced. Fortunately for me, I only have myself to worry about. I have a few debts looming in the background of my life that I really don’t want to deal with (I am burying my head in the sand like mom). Last year I got into a bit of an accident while running. I split my knee open and had to go to the hospital for numerous stitches. The scar is pretty cool, but the bill isn’t. Insurance was never billed and I have basically just eaten the $990.00 on my own. I could try to get my insurance to pay, but I’m too stressed about everything else to confront the “politics of getting things my way.”
I also have several bills left over from this summer –Comcast internet for one. It’s a damn screw job is what it is. When I called to get my service disconnected, they told me all I had to do was to come into the store, return my cable modem, and my service would be discontinued. I left the modem with my roommate and he had it returned (and I trust the guy). However, Comcast is still charging me for services I never received and they are saying that the modem was never returned. It adds up to a whopping $250 that they are charging me for service I never had. I have called them so many times too… Finally I called up yesterday and literally yelled over the phone at the lady there. I was so angry I was sweating. She really got it bad. It wasn’t just because of the $250, but because of everything. It was a real emotional workout for me. I emptied my frustrations out for nearly 40 minutes. Nothing was solved.
And, then the last major thing, I owe my parents $2700 that I borrowed from them this summer to buy a car. Borrowing money from parents is also something my father does to his dad. He was never much of a father to him and he has a lot of money –A lot. I think it’s my grandfather’s way of saying “Well, I know I wasn’t much of a father, so here is some money.” I planned on having a bigger paycheck at the end of the summer than I actually ended up receiving, and well, they are expecting some money and I don’t have it. I already paid off my $3500 credit card debt with my student loan. I could take out more student loan, but how will I finance next semester? This is so stupid. The main reason why I am so short of cash is because I waste it on crap –also a habit of my parents. I always criticized them for being so foolish with money, restaurants here and there, movie night now and again, new furniture for the house, and a variety of other comforts. They entitle themselves to the very best. So do I. I tell myself that I deserve more than the standard of living my budget requires. In a fit of depression I go and buy crap; whether clothing or a night on the town, or some activity with someone. I hate it. It’s as if I were trying to prove to others that I have money to spend, and I am reckless. I still owe $1000 on my American Express card and my habits haven’t changed completely. I keep telling myself that everything will be ok and not to worry. But I am banking on the future, and assuming that I can make ends meet. I could tell my parents but that would be so humiliating for me. I am independent. I like to think I am anyway. My parents wouldn’t trust me like they do anymore if I was to default on their trust. Maybe in some perfectionist way, I tell myself that I am beyond the problems of my parents. I am the golden child that can make things really workout while everyone else mires in their problems. In so many ways I am the embodiment of my parents –the good, as well as the bad. I thought I had left a lot of my perfectionist ways in the dust a long time ago, but maybe I have held on to a few of them. I feel stupid. And I, like my father, am too paralyzed to really find a solution… I just sit and wait for some sort of Black Tuesday to arrive. My credit is good right now, but for how long can I escape reality by fudging debt from here to there?

I feel all alone

2006-10-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

So my elder’s quorum president came by for a “personal priesthood interview.” I never really know what to say in those kinds of situations. He is a nice guy, who means well and really wants the best for those around him, but I don’t trust. I gave him standard answers that make his job easier. I don’t want someone, a stranger, to ask me questions about my personal life and expect me to open up and pour all my troubles out. My struggles are sacred. That is privileged information that I am willing to share, but only with those that put my friendship before church-ship. Make sense? I want to be valued by others because I am me, not because I happen to be in the same ward or more broadly the same church. I shouldn’t criticize his efforts because he is probably willing to be my friend. I just hate the “duty factor” in so many church assignments. Its one of the primary reasons I haven’t done my home teaching in a long time. I have such mixed feelings about it. I don’t know what my motivations would be and to avoid doing it for the sake of doing it –which is in my opinion a horrible reason, I just don’t do it… catch my drift? Anyway, apparently the bishop here is so hard-core, that he calls people into his office and reprimands them if they miss their home teaching for more than two months. I’m on to month two, and well, I still feel no desire to home teach.

The stupid thing is that in truth I could use some friends –some real friends. I am tired of feeling so distanced from everyone. I used to be so social, and now I have backed into a shell. Historically it’s not my nature to be so closed off to others. It’s not that I am completely alone, I have some good friends, but I need a few good friends close by. Being so friendless makes me really self conscious too. I feel like I have to be super cool… almost like I am too cool for friends, which distances others from me. So I’ve created this gap, and now I am kinda lonely. I really just want to love and be loved –unconditionally.

Evolutions of Thought

2006-10-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

There is an interesting aspect to the evolution of my struggle that I had not expected. In some ways it’s rather frustrating. It used to be that I could measure any moral dilemma to the church and use it as a sort of measuring stick. “Well this particular choice dosent fit into the realm of Mormonism.” Basically then I’d discount it as an option and never cross that bridge again. But this time… This time, things are really different.
In a lot of ways the Church has lost an element of credibility in my opinion. Essentially I learned a truth about God that was so well hidden from me that it took years of digging and searching to find out. God doesn’t care about what I do. Or rather, he does care, but only to an extent. Does God disapprove of Mother Theresa because she was Catholic? Is all that he can see is the Catholic in her, or does he look deeper inside and see a mirrored image of His glory. Had she been born in any other situation, say to a Mormon family in Utah, would she have been able to fill her mission of compassionate service in the way that she did? I doubt it.
And what about others? Mahatmas Gandhi, The Dali Lama, Wayne Dyer, John Locke, Immaculee Ilibagiza, Jane Goodall, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn… The list could go on forever. Are they to be discounted simply because they were not Mormons? Now, now, I know that the Church teaches of work for the dead, but my point is that these truly wonderful, enlightened persons couldn’t have fulfilled their life callings without being born into the situation that they were. Couldn’t it be the same with me? My experience with the Church and my family and so forth has shaped who I am –homosexuality included.
I have always felt a deep part of me is meant to do great things. I don’t say that egotistically either, as if it were some fantasy to be the embodiment of chivalry, power, or status as a means of escape from the harsh realities of my life. What I am saying is that I want to make a difference in this world. I want it to be a better place because I was here. I want to be a blessing for good in others lives. I believe I can. I couldn’t conceive such an ideal were I born into a different situation.
But I wonder though, if indeed God is everything we say he is, shouldn’t an element of grace be upon me for that which I have been called to do in life? And shouldn’t an element of that grace be upon me for the different path that I must walk? As I see it now, I will never have children, I will never have a normal marriage relationship, and most of my friendships will be affected my homosexuality to some degree. All of these features of my future will be shaped by what I do with my life now, and my effectiveness in fulfilling my Earthly mission. I believe that God’s grace is sufficient for me and my life –whatever lifestyle I choose to live. God will lead me and accommodate me if I learn to believe and grow.
This subject has yet to be exhausted. I could go on for longer, but I really must go to bed now. I guess I will continue later.

2006-10-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

My life is full of contrast. I seem to live twice the life of others I think. Some say that I have a “strong” personality. Others say it’s outgoing or adventurous. I simply say, “it’s complicated.” I have always lived a life of conflict –as if the opposites of life such as, happiness and sadness, confusion and understanding, healing and hurt have always been much more prevalent in my life than in the lives of others. Astrologers would say it’s because I am both a Pisces and an Aquarius. Psychologists would say it’s because of my parents and my upbringing. Regardless of the reasons, however, I think I live twice the life of the average person. At times it difficult to be me, sometimes unbearable, but I would have it no other way.
The ironies are so great that I have to stop and chuckle at them sometimes. If I am waiting in line at the store, just as I arrive at the front, the cash register will break or something and I must line back up elsewhere. If something is being passed out to every one, mine will come broken. Last year I did a study abroad. While checking my bag at my first airport, it split open wide exposing all of my belongings -irony number one. I taped it shut and checked it, figuring that it is better to catch my flight and hope for the best. Six airports later and two canceled flights (which could technically be considered irony number two, but we'll lump it with the first) reunited me with my duffel that had been shrink-wraped by the airport security. I went with a group of 7. Of course, I was the only guy in the group which was irony number two. It's never fun to be singled out. Never trust highly emotional girls in large groups. They blame the only english speaking guy for all their problems. Everyone received a wonderful host family... except for me. I got the host family from hell -irony number three. I could write a book on all the psychological neuroses that my host mother possessed. Eventually I moved out and in with a new host family which I picked myself. Moving out was a fiasco that could take several pages of writing... from all my belongings being taken by the police to the bus breaking down and I, myself, having to push it down the street with a bunch of strangers. After that it was all normal (or normal as far as my life is concerned). I have no regrets about the way things turned out... It just illustrates my point though. I was at the doctor's office yesterday and I was called out by a nurse to follow to the back. After doing several routine procedures, weight blood pressure, temperature, etc, he began to input the data into computer and realized that I had gained 20 pounds in one week! It was at that point that he realized that he had called the wrong person to the back to see the wrong doctor. The nurse and I walked back to the waiting room where sat the other guy with my name. He couldn't have been more opposite than me -a suit and tie kinda guy, skinny skinny, and married. Ironically, not only did we share the same first name, but also the same middle and nearly the same last name(it was off by a few letters)! I shouldn't be surprised. These kind of things happen all the time to me. Last time I was at the doctor's office, the doctor was late by and hour and a half. He was in a meeting and just forgot about the appointment. I should just begin to expect that SNAFUs will always come my way.
Well, I suppose this isn't exactly a good way to start my blog, but its the truth. My life has been coming unraveled at a frightening pace. I have always been fairly level-headed, or so I would assume. I am a university student. I am 24. I come from a normal family. I was raised by great parents. I was also raised as a Mormon. Incidentally I am gay. It doesn't make for simple living, but that's the deck of cards I play with. I didn't ask for it, but that's the way life is right?
So why has everything started to come unglued all at once? I have come to a huge cross-road. My options are simple as they are placed before me. 1. Continue to live the life of a Mormon but not deny that I am attracted to men, and therefore live a life of celibacy and loneliness. 2. Live in denial of my homosexuality and find a nice girl and marry her and bring a load of worry and concern to both of our lives. Statistically the odds are not in my favor for a successful marriage. Most end in divorce and bring havoc to both the life of the divorcees as well as any children. 3. Leave the church, my associates, my church university, and take the big step into the unknown world of gayness.
I have felt cornered as I have tried to take this slowly as to make the right decision for me. The Church would have me choose option 1 or 2. But if it were up to me, I wouldn't choose any of those options...
The truth is, I feel betrayed by the Church. I was told by bishops, LDS counselors, and the like, that if I just prayed and believed and read the scriptures that I would eventually be able to marry and my feelings of same gender attraction would fade or something like that... but they have neither gone away nor faded no matter how many years of religious devotion I have flogged myself with. I am gay. This I must accept. God accepted it when he made me this way.