Sunday, October 28, 2007

So It's been a really long time since I've last posted anything, but I've actually written two posts that I never posted. While this blog was never meant to be a travelogue there have been a couple people who have asked about where and what I have been up to. So I'll take a minute to just highlight some of my recent history.

  • My relationship from this summer with the military guy was quite wonderful. He will always be a great friend. I felt like the relationship was ready to be over and the ending of summer with me moving back to Utah and his reporting to active duty made a convenient end to the relationship while still leaving plenty of room for friendship.
  • Moving to and from Utah is an interesting phenomenon. I don't want to have to live here and then after a couple weeks of living and adjusting, I end up loving it and don't want to have to leave. However it puts me in an interesting dilemma. I don't plan on finishing my education at BYU. I will be leaving for school on the east coast next fall. I am going to have to say goodbye to Utah and all of the wonderful people and experiences with much sadness to the end of a wonderful time in my life.
  • My sister's marriage continues to dissolve and when I talk to her on the phone any more she is numb to the fact that her family of 7 years is going down the drain. I don't know what will become of her and her family but I pray for her.
  • My truck that so kindly broke down in Laramie, Wyoming while driving to Virgina has practically destroyed my financial freedom. In the last year I've spent probably $6,000 in repairs and who knows when it will break down again. And I can't forget to mention the $60-$70 it takes to fill the tank every 250-300 miles. I am in the market for something reliable with cheaper gas.
  • I've come out of the closet a little more during the last couple months than I ever have before. I've told a few co-workers including my manager. All in all it's gone over very well.
But how am I doing? I don't know. Sometimes I feel so good about life and about myself. In fact one of the posts that I never posted basically said, in summary, that I am happy and living life well. But sometimes I worry. I look at the choices I make and I wonder sometimes if I am completely effed up. Sometimes I wonder why I feel unsatisfied with aspects of my life. Why do I feel lonely sometimes even when I have friends? Why am I always searching for something to make me happy.

Some might say that it's because I don't have the Church as a driving force in my life or that I need to repent. And while there may or may not be truth in such a statement, I wasn't very happy when I was completely active in the Church either. In fact I would venture to say that I am happier now than I was before.

My reason for bringing this up is because I don't think I deal with negative emotions very well. I think I very often pursue self destructive behaviors when I get down... which of course only make me feel worse. When I was really working hard (unfinished post).

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