Sunday, October 28, 2007

So It's been a really long time since I've last posted anything, but I've actually written two posts that I never posted. While this blog was never meant to be a travelogue there have been a couple people who have asked about where and what I have been up to. So I'll take a minute to just highlight some of my recent history.

  • My relationship from this summer with the military guy was quite wonderful. He will always be a great friend. I felt like the relationship was ready to be over and the ending of summer with me moving back to Utah and his reporting to active duty made a convenient end to the relationship while still leaving plenty of room for friendship.
  • Moving to and from Utah is an interesting phenomenon. I don't want to have to live here and then after a couple weeks of living and adjusting, I end up loving it and don't want to have to leave. However it puts me in an interesting dilemma. I don't plan on finishing my education at BYU. I will be leaving for school on the east coast next fall. I am going to have to say goodbye to Utah and all of the wonderful people and experiences with much sadness to the end of a wonderful time in my life.
  • My sister's marriage continues to dissolve and when I talk to her on the phone any more she is numb to the fact that her family of 7 years is going down the drain. I don't know what will become of her and her family but I pray for her.
  • My truck that so kindly broke down in Laramie, Wyoming while driving to Virgina has practically destroyed my financial freedom. In the last year I've spent probably $6,000 in repairs and who knows when it will break down again. And I can't forget to mention the $60-$70 it takes to fill the tank every 250-300 miles. I am in the market for something reliable with cheaper gas.
  • I've come out of the closet a little more during the last couple months than I ever have before. I've told a few co-workers including my manager. All in all it's gone over very well.
But how am I doing? I don't know. Sometimes I feel so good about life and about myself. In fact one of the posts that I never posted basically said, in summary, that I am happy and living life well. But sometimes I worry. I look at the choices I make and I wonder sometimes if I am completely effed up. Sometimes I wonder why I feel unsatisfied with aspects of my life. Why do I feel lonely sometimes even when I have friends? Why am I always searching for something to make me happy.

Some might say that it's because I don't have the Church as a driving force in my life or that I need to repent. And while there may or may not be truth in such a statement, I wasn't very happy when I was completely active in the Church either. In fact I would venture to say that I am happier now than I was before.

My reason for bringing this up is because I don't think I deal with negative emotions very well. I think I very often pursue self destructive behaviors when I get down... which of course only make me feel worse. When I was really working hard (unfinished post).

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Silent

I know I've been silent for some time now. It's been about a year since my first blog post. A year ago I couldn't have imagined myself as happy and content as I am now. Life is really good. I am stable, alive and really just overwhelmingly content.

A whole lot has happened in the last year and not all of which is posted, but I will say that I have really grown into myself finally. In the process of coming to grips with my homosexuality I really lost focus of anything else. I lost my goals, aspirations, beliefs, and even my personality. I've spent the majority of the last several months regaining them. I made choices that hurt other people and myself. I will always be sorry for hurting my friends. All I can say is that I was not myself and I am so sorry. I really feel stable now. As I move on with my life I can look back at the mess of the last year and say "What a relief!" I am finally living.

I don't know that I ever posted this because I was so ashamed of myself, but I withdrew from school last fall mid semester because I was emotionally exhausted. I am finally ready to complete my education I think. There are a couple schools on the East Coast where I am really considering finishing my education. Leaving school was so traumatic for me that I am a little nervous about re-enrolling in school but I gotta do it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am done with my blog. Kind of like a "no news is good news" policy exists with my blog. My blog has been such a wonderful outlet for me for so long. I will forever be grateful for the people who have read and participated in my blog and those that have ventured further and participated in lasting friendships.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Well where do I begin? It's been a long time since I've really written anything of value on here. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts and a little jumbled. Sometimes when I look at my life I say, "Where the hell am I going?" Sometimes I feel like I've lost my zest to live. Perhaps numb would be a good description. I feel like a stranger in my own skin.

So I must ask myself an important question, "Am I happy?" I think yes and no.