Friday, September 21, 2007

Just Do What Feels Like Fun

So I've not posted in awhile and there has been so much on my mind. I have gone through some really stressful times here recently... I roll with the punches pretty well, but overall, I've been on overload. I found a place to live upon returning to UT and by chance two of my three roommates are gay. I'll post more about that another time though.

I had an interesting conversation with one of them moments ago that struck me as noteworthy.

Caspian: You know, I really need to start moving towards my goals. I mean, I really believe that I have a purpose in life. I have things that I am supposed to do. I mean, I really need to finish school and there are so many things that distract me.

Flyboy: Yeah, I used to be stressed out about school, but I don't worry about it anymore.

Caspian: I guess I just believe that everyone has a mission in life... something that only I can accomplish... I feel like I really need to get a move on and meet my goals.

Flyboy: I used to believe that too and I was all worried, but now I just do what I want to and have fun.

Caspian: I just feel that for me, I need to accomplish certain things. Like by accomplishing these things I will have a truly fulfilling life.

Flyboy: We're only 25, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Caspian: Yeah of course, but still, you only live once and I have so many things I need to do.

Flyboy: Yeah well I didn't graduate and I just do what feels right and have fun. I don't worry about anything else. I just do what feels like fun.

I really don't want to end up not accomplishing my life goals... sometimes I scare myself because I wonder why I don't care about somethings that fundamentally and morally should be part of my life... Other times, I freak out by the idea of someone binding me down with dogmas that only make me feel bad about who I am. At the same time it seems like the harder I try to move toward a goal or an ideal, the further away from them I find myself. Flyboy is a good person and a good roommate, but I cannot let go of my mission in life simply because it's hard. Hearing what he said sent chills up my spine. I must, absolutely must, become the person I was meant to become... I just fear that I don't have the intestinal fortitude to accomplish what I was made to accomplish. I don't want to waste my life having fun or doing what feels nice. I want to live and breathe and make a difference in this world. There are too many distractions along the way... and I fear getting stuck somewhere and one day waking up and finding myself so far away from my goals and dreams with so much time passed that it will be impossible to go back and become what God has made me capable of becoming.