Friday, August 03, 2007

River of Life

There is a reason why I like sales. I am not a salesman because I want to be in sales as a career, especially door-to-door. However there is a reason why I did it last year, why I am doing it this year and why I plan on doing it next year too.

I have learned so much from this job. It has really been a blessing in that regard. I don't think that I am out here because of money. Granted, I wouldn't have ever joined this sales team if I didn't think I would make money, but I am out here because of the paradigm shift. I know that if I can learn to be successful at this job, I can be successful at anything in life. This job has been one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had and been very emotionally stressful. However, I keep telling myself,
If I can believe in myself, believe in me and have confidence, nothing can stop me. When I had left Provo in April I was still somewhat emotionally unsure of so many things. I have really regained myself out here this summer.

I believe that life is like a river, wild and flowing. God chooses our river of life and we must ride it. Some people choose to paddle against the current. I used to do that. I believed that if I paddled hard enough against the current that somehow I would be placed in a different river with a different boat. That was silly of me. After I came to the realization that my river, my life, was chosen for me by God, I no longer tried to fight Him nor His plans for me in my life I went through a phase of exhaustion. I was tired of paddling and angry at God for putting me in such a difficult raging river. My canoe could hardly float at times because of how much water I had taken on. I allowed myself to spin and crash into rocks and capsize several times this last fall and winter. I hated life at times. Why couldn't I have a speed boat or a yacht and be in a calm, deep, and wide river? Fatigued, I believed that if there were sharp rocks or a waterfall in my path on my river that I must succumb to my fate. Life was destiny for me. I allowed life to happen to me rather than make life happen for me. Things became very difficult for a time.

This summer I learned that while I cannot choose my river and I cannot choose my obstacles in my river, I can choose to paddle my canoe. God has given me the strength, the mind, and the ability to ride the chosen river he has blessed me with. Rocks will inevitably come, sometimes calm eddies, other times raging rapids and other boaters who will push me into troubled waters. Ultimately I can avoid the most dangerous and troublesome situations if I use my common sense and learn to master this river, enjoy the ride, and be grateful that I was given a canoe instead of just an inner tube or a couple of floaties! It doesn't mean that I can change the landscape of my river, but the greatest challenges can be avoided with experience, prayer, friends, love, and a little bit of strength and technical maneuvering.

In essence, this job has taught me so much about paddling my canoe. I'm feeling more secure, level headed and happy now than I have in a really long time. I have regained so many goals and rebuilt my dreams to a great extent. I won't lie and say that there are times when I still wish I had that yacht or a calmer river, but I am grateful for my experience and glad to be me. There were times last fall when I really came close to jumping out of my canoe all together. It was a scary place to be mentally. I had worked so hard to earn my GPA and get through school and I felt like all my work was for nothing because I was destined to drown. I feel alive again though. I feel like I can again start working towards fulfilling my life mission and being truly happy. I cannot wait to see what lies just around the next bend in the river. Good things will come my way.


GeckoMan said...

Caspian, you post wonderful news; I'm glad to hear that you're still paddling, and in the right direction. Go with the flow and be true to yourself and what you deeply believe in.

I love your analogy of the river. I am firmly of the opinion that with our Father's help, we chose the river and path of our lives, for the unique lessons we needed to learn in mortality. I can't imagine Father forcing some of the stuff we or others go through in this life without our review and choice to proceed with the rigorous challenges that school us.

Best of luck when you return to school.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

Thanks for your comment Geckoman. Let me clarify what I mean when I say that God chooses our river. I did not choose my body, my parents, where I was born, my talents nor my homosexuality. I can however choose to deal with these aspects in a healthy way. I spent 10 years in repairative therapy trying to change my river. I spent years wishing I had someone else's life. I have come to accept this life and love it, myself, and God for blessing me with it.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

Ahh, I re-read what you wrote. You mean chose in the premortal life. Perhaps so. In any case though, it's too late to change things now! This is my life and there are no river swaps with anyone!

Forester said...

I have always liked the advice to just be yourself. The problem is sometimes we forget who we are or start believing what others say about us, especially when it's negative. Your positive attitude is refreshing.

GeckoMan said...

Yes, you got it... a pre-mortal awareness, if not choice, of our mortal path. Somehow that strikes a chord with me.

But as you say, here we are, on our unique river, and it's ours to make it or break it. We have the paddles and the life-jackets to traverse the rapids, so enjoy the ride. Funny, but this same thought is expressed in my most recent poem, "Cowlick." Did you see it?

Sephiroth said...

I beleive my whole life is a preoccupation. There has to be more purpose to life than my straight existance. Life should be more than working your life to gain more materials to better your situation. Life has something more than this what we are taught is life. I think something is missing but i don't know what. does anyone ever feel the same way?