Friday, August 24, 2007

Getting Married (To a Woman)

As I have previously posted, I've had the opportunity to get married on a couple different occasions. I know, that if I had just asked, she would have said yes. But I think getting married is a really bad idea for me. Even with being honest with my wife and talking openly with her about my feelings, I would feel trapped. It may be naive of me to say so, but some of my past experience has shown me otherwise.

As I have slowly come out to my closest friends and my family members I have felt a tremendous rel
ief of pressure felt from living a double life. It has helped me to realize that I can make the choice of lifestyle I want to live independent of anyone else. I know that regardless of which direction I take my life, my family and closest loved ones will support me. I really puts me in neutral social territory to make such a decision.

If I were to marry a woman I would not have the luxury of sharing my feelings of homosexuality in a natural and healthy way. If I were to have a close friend and desired to share with him the reality of my homosexuality, I would need to consult my wife first because my orientation would affect my wife significantly. Take it a step further; we would share similar social circles. Being openly in a mixed orientation marriage would provide a very awkward situation for my wife. What's more, what if I have children? It's one thing if your parents are an openly gay same-sex couple, but it's another when it's a mixed orientation marriage and it's a semi-closeted situation. There are so many variables when you bring a spouse and family into the picture.

Maybe I am being too quick to judge the difficulty of dealing with my homosexual feelings in a marriage situation.
I will say this much though, since I have made peace with being gay, told my family about my orientation, and adjusted into a lifestyle that is moving out, I have found that I am less neurotic, not obsessed with pornography, and the unspeakable "M" word is not really such a big deal. I feel more authentic with myself and a closing gap in the dichotomies of being gay and in the church. I feel like I am progressing as a person and generally I am happy. Were I to move a step forward into marriage would I have to deal with that emotional roller coaster again? I don't want to move in and out of depression and sometimes feeling like I am on the verge of mental and emotional collapse. It wasn't healthy when I was completely closeted and it wouldn't be healthy for me to closet myself again for the sake of a wife. It's not fair for a woman to be married to a man like me no matter how great I am.

And then, to throw the last log onto the fire, I want to state very clearly, I am really not very interested in having sex with a woman, much less regular sex with a woman. Sorry, I am gay and that's that. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Heaven knows I tried. I'm interested in having sex with a man.

In other news and somewhat off topic, I just wanted to post a little bit about the guy I've been seeing out here. He is so awesome. I've really been enjoying this relationship. I cannot stress enough how comfortable it is. It is drama-free, easy, and honest. We are so much alike in so many ways. We have the same interests, philosophies, and personality types. I am really sad though because it is going to end very soon when I move back to Utah in 2 weeks. I am a little bit scared and nervous about the pending break-up. There is still so much to explore in our relationship and I feel like it is prematurely going to end. Even if I was to stay out here though, the relationship would have to end because he has a 6 year commission with the army in a month. I just wish things weren't going to end this way.


Forester said...

You bring up some very valid points. Being married and gay has its difficulties. There is a part of me that wants a relationship with another guy, but I love my wife so much and want to be with her more than I want to be with a man. I wish it were easier, I wish I could want to be with her without these feelings, but when it really comes down to it, I would choose her over and over again.

Love and marriage however should never be pushed on someone. You should only marry if you really desire it and if you really love that person. If you love someone and want to be with that person, you find a way to make it work.

Kengo Biddles said...

Can I just say that it seems to me you've taken a healthy long-look at the realities of your existence, and you're choosing the best way for yourself? It makes me happy. You sure seem to be. :) Hopefully this kind of careful introspection will stay with you for the years ahead!

playasinmar said...

I freely admit my experience is limited here but I've never heard of a gay man in a "married" type relationship say, "Wish I married a woman!"

iwonder said...

I want to state very clearly, I am really not very interested in having sex with a woman, much less regular sex with a woman.



Parallel Mormon said...

Distinguishing Preocupation:

My advice to you is dump the man and find yourself a woman. The resurrection will fix what went wrong in utero rendering us homosexual, thus you will never again desire a man, instead you will wish you had chosen a woman. Nephi said it and I know it's true, that the Lord will prepare a way for us to accomplish what He has commanded.

Also, no relationship with a man, however well-nurtured, will exist beyond death as anything more than "let's just be friends," which is, of course, what couples say when one dumps the other.

We can bridge our homosexuality and, being gay, find real passion for our wives. I now know this is true and real.