Thursday, July 05, 2007

...Is For Lovers


They say that Virginia is for lovers. I don't know why, but it is I guess. It's just what they say out here. Upon arriving here I had my doubts that Virginia was even for me much less lovers, but I actually have really come to love it here on the East Coast. But to take it a step further, I have actually met someone that I am quite interested in.

I took a tour of a prestigious university and their political science department out here. He was there working in admissions and had just graduated with a BA in Political Science. Thats basically how we met. He is awesome though. It's really casual between him and me and there are no expectations. He is one of the kindest people I've ever met. He treats everyone really well. He's just super nice and good looking to boot. He played r
ugby on scholarship there at his university when he told me that, I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was pretty hot. He's one of those guys that you'd never guess in a million years that he was gay. Anyway for the last 2 weeks or so we've been seeing eachother and it's been really fun. We both know that at the end of the summer I'm moving back to Utah and he is going to be entering the Army so I know eventually it will have to come to an end. I'm trying to stay somewhat emotionally unattached as possible because he is really a one-in-a-billion kind of guy.

On a separate note though, I've never fully posted what my decision is -the three great options I have to choose between. Celibacy. Marriage. Homosexuality. I've dated girls, I've been single for great lengths of time, and the only one that I had not really looked into until last fall as an option was homosexuality. For now, I am looking at what life for me would be like as an open homosexual. I believe that
my life was meant to figure out and if I were to choose any one of those options I could always turn my boat around if it wasn't working out in that direction. I've seen it done before. Both John Galt and Elbow have changed their directions a couple times. Who says I can't either?

At the same time though, when I've read John's blog I am almost sick to my stomach when I think about the situation he was in. It was such an unfair choice for him to make. His blog is partially deleted and I've followed it closely over the last year or so. He had to choose between living his life with the perfect fairy-tale love of his life -a man that he met while on business and his wife, kids, and religion. If you've ever read his blog, it's heart-wrenching. How can a person be made to choose something like that? It's just not fair. I read his blog and I am really sad that he had to make the choice to stay with his wife and kids.

When I read Elbow's blog, it's just the opposite. Elbow is leaving his wife. He was
faithful and tried as hard as he could to make things work out. If you've ever read his blog you'll see that he tried and worked to the point of serious pain and suffering for he and his wife to honor his marriage commitment. In the end, however, it was better for them to separate. When I read his blog I am really sad that a marriage did not work out for him.

Both of these spectacular people have made the choice that works best for them and in NO way do I have any right to say what would be best for them in their given situations. I am like the fly on the wall and the truth is, if Elbow had decided to stay married, I would be sad that he was not able to express his homosexuality and that he was married. If John had decided to leave his wife and kids, I would be sad that he had abandoned his marriage.

In the same way for myself, whatever the outcome is, I will be sad for that which will never be.

12 comments:

n/a said...

"he is really a one-in-a-billion kind of guy"

well in that case there are 6.5 people like him...?

Elbow said...

I really appreciate your kind words. You're such a great guy and I'm so happy for you. Your honesty and thirst for peace is going to pay off in a huge way. I look forward to continuing on this crazy mixed up gay mormon path with you. You're a great friend and an amazing human being. Thank you!

the Baker's son said...

OH! come on! do you really have to end on that horribly pessimistic idea?? You know, even though you're going to be missing out on half the fun, that doesn't mean you have to be all emo and depressed about it.

I think Virginia has been good, no? Quite the adventure since the start of it all. keep up the good work.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

N/A: You bring up a good point. He is a one in 6.5 billion kind of guy!

Elbow: Shucks, I'm just trying to survive. You Rock!

TBS: I'm not being pessimistic. Mostly just revisiting the loss for that which cannot be. It's okay. And yes, Virginia has been GREAT! I love it here!

Kengo Biddles said...

I'm going to rain on the parade here, and just say that while you feel Elbow has made efforts (I won't judge either way) Elbow has also fostered and maintained a huge daily intake of porn (per his own words).

I think that mitigates, and even negates any efforts he may or may not have put into the marriage, because it seems pretty apparent that he wasn't very interested in maintaining the marriage in the first place.

But he's made his decision, and I much prefer that than for him to try and string his wife along for years while he has his dalliances.

playasinmar said...

Honest-to-goodness as I was reading your post I wondered, "Which of our community storm clouds will be the first to rain on your parade."

No joke, that was my actual first thought as I read the third paragraph.

iwonder said...

Yeah, it's really hard to have to really give up on either one side or the other. Eventually, in order to really be at peace, I think we all have to pick one side or the other.

I don't think that we ever have to totally give up everything that the other side has to offer - i.e. we don't have to pretend to be straight if we stay in the church, and we don't have to become totally irreligious if we leave the church.

It's probably one of the most agonising decisions any of us has to make. It's unfair, it's rude, it's lame, and it just plain sucks sometimes. But happiness and peace are yet there to be had, of that I am certain.

See you in a couple months!

Beck said...

Life means choice. Both John Galt and Elbow have made choices. You're facing choices. I face daily choices...

And here comes the really profound thought: And choices imply that something isn't chosen, a path isn't taken, a relationship isn't followed. (now that was profound, right? :))

Our job is to choose wisely and not fret over what wasn't chosen. Sure, we can change our choices and turn our boats around, and reversing course ofttimes is good. I know it intellectually - the practice is more difficult. So, when will I ever be satisfied with the choice I've made and stop looking over my shoulder wondering about what life would have been like if I had taken that other path???

Abelard Enigma said...

Kengo, don't you think you're being harsh? We've all had our battles with porn - even you (per your own words)

Le Mec said...

Caspian,

I'm glad you have met a good guy and that you are doing well! I just saw "The Bubble" (which i recommend) and with your post I have been thinking about this a bit. I think each of us has to decide what we feel is best for us. It's never an easy choice and we will most likely give up something either way.

Forester said...

Learning to sacrifice is one of the great lessons of life. You have to take a hard look at yourself and decide which sacrifices you will have to make for what you want in this life and the next. Seek guidance from the best sources and from those who care about you the most. They will never lead you astray. I know it sounds simplistic, but prayer is essential. Even if you feel you're talking to yourself, it still works. I've found that God listens, even when I don't believe he's listening.

In the Lucha! said...

It is amazing to read your blog. I used to read elbows, but now it wont let me it!!! GRR! I am 29 and decided about a year ago that I couldn't in good faith marry or stay active in the church, so I came out. It has been great and exciting, but like all things there are the highs and lows. Thanks for your words, it is amazing to see other people dealing with the same issues. It really shores up my faith.