Thursday, July 19, 2007

Exatly My Point

Here is some proof for iwonder that the US and Canada are the same. :-P

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Telling the truth... again

t has been an interesting past few weeks out here in Virginia. As I had already mentioned previously I have met someone out here. It has been going remarkably well too. I think both of us were caught off guard with how well things are going. Neither of us are in a position to be seeing anyone here because I am moving back to UT in seven weeks and he is going into the army in October. I think both of us kind of recognized that maybe we should just be friends... which sucks. He is so awesome.

On a different note, I finally came out to my sister. I had decided not to tell my sister about me for a long time because she is married to the most in-the-bubble Mormon guy ever. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, but not only is he so far into the conservative bubble, but he is so different than my family. I grew up in a fairly liberal family as far as Mormons are concerned. He grew up with a stake president for a father. His parents go to the temple 3-4 times a week. They are all super nice and super shiny people. But very much out of touch with reality. Frankly, I've never really been fond of my brother in law. I mean, I don't dislike the guy but he is so different in every way from me. I talk to my sister about going on vacation and she says that when she and her husband discuss it, he always says, "We could spend $2000 on vacation or we could get hardwood floors in the dining room and living room. Then when we sell the house we can get it back in equity." The truth is, he is too damn practical.

So my sister is a lot like me. She is a go getter and full of life. She has dreams. However the man that she married really puts a damper on her own personal progression and how she feels she was meant to grow. The truth is, my sister never wanted to get married... and if she did, it wouldn't have been until she was well into her thirties and maybe only have one child. She always dreamed of traveling the world and getting an education and joining the Peace Corps of something like that. My sister asked her husband, "If you had to move to any foreign country, which country would it be?" "Canada," he replied. From that simple question a huge argument that lasted 2 days developed. That ought to give you a pretty good idea as to how different they are from each other.

I had wanted to tell my sister a while back but I myself was still trying to understand everything much less try to help someone else understand it all. Whats more, I didn't want her to tell her husband. If he knew that I am gay he wouldn't let me be with my nephews alone because he would think that I was a molester or a pervert or something. He is very homophobic and is one of those people that thinks it's contagious or something. My sister agreed that she won't tell her husband because in her words, "It would be the end-all of [the] marriage."

The reason why it would be so bad on their already strained marriage is because my sister is in TOTAL support of me. In fact, when I told her the words, "I am a homosexual" she immediately said that she had just earlier in the week had a conversation with her best friend about homosexuality and the Church and how such members really have no way to fit in the Church. She understands that there is nothing that can be done for me to change this and that there is no easy answer for me.

I could go on and on forever about the parallels between my sister and I in terms of our personal revolution in our paradigms and religious views. But I will basically say this much: We have gone through some significant changes and we are in the process of revising. This however will cause some major changes for the surroundings in which we find ourselves. In my sisters situation, she has a husband to educate and marriage to mend, if it is indeed salvageable and deal with the aftermath. I have to bear the challenge of coming out of the closet and deal with the aftermath.

It was an awesome experience to talk to my sister. It got both of our minds reeling about so many things and the conversation lasted nearly 3 hours and if we had cared to, it would have lasted longer. It feels great to have another family member on my side now. I only have one more sibling to tell, I still don't know when, but I will. All in all, it was the best coming out experience thus far. It brought us infinitely closer together and repaired a lot of the distance that developed because of her husband and the bubbles that we buried ourselves into..

I'm so tired, but I had to finish this post and get it up. I hope is is quality.

-Cas

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Burdened


Tonight I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm tired of carrying this burden. I don't even have the strength to empty my thoughts onto my keyboard and into the bloggosphere. I'm just gonna roll over and hope that morning brings some promise of a better day. But I'm not crossing my fingers nor holding my breath.

-Caspian

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Man-Flirting

It has always been a confusing situation for me. You know how guys are sometimes... they will flirt with eachother. I mean, completely straight guys. They will joke about being gay or doing gay things with their friends. I don't even know if flirting is the right word. Regardless, it has always been something that has perhaps been a little confusing for me because I don't know where to draw the line. Is this guy genuinely flirting with me? Is he just being goofy?

When I was in high school I had a friend that used to man-flirt. I really thought he was cool. He was older than me, was in a band, and he reeked of coolness and oh yeah, I thought he was hella cool. I don't know if the crush developed because he was cool and a good friend or if it was because of his man-flirtings. Of course nothing ever came of it, but I am left wondering if he actually had attractions for me.


I have awesome roommates. It's a really good situation. I have one roommate who I am particularly fond of. I'll call him Blond. He has become my new best friend. We work together and carpool together every day. It's become a mutually strong friendship and at the end of the summer both of us will be disappointed that we will be going separate ways. However, a very peculiar man-flirting element to the friendship has developed. Sometimes it is physical, sometimes it is verbal. It's never grotesque. For example. We'll be riding in the car together in the back seat. He will have his arm up on the back of the seat with his hand resting behind my head. He will tickle my ear or stroke my hair. Sometimes he'll give me a big hug or walk with his arm draped over my shoulder.

The first time I ever noticed any sort of attraction was one time when we were sitting in the back seat of a car and looking up at the night sky through the hatch back window. Then in some how we both looked at eachother at the same moment and made intense eye contact. It was one of those moments where you would have gone in for the kiss. It was surprising because I don't think either of us were expecting such a moment to have arrived.


Another time when we were sitting in the back seat of the car he grabbed my leg and leaned into me. I put my arm around him and gave him a hug. He pulled back because, like all man-flirting, it's just for fun and not serious. Right? Then with a joking tone he said, "What if I really was gay, would that weird you out?" I looked at him and furrowed my brow and said, " Ummm. No." But I should have really asked him the same question.


Last night Blond and I decided to rent a movie. It was just him and me in the apartment and we decided to pull out the hide-a-bed from the couch and pull it right up to our new 48 inch plasma screen (which by the way, I've become quite fond of). We sat there watching the movie, eating snacks and laughing. One of my other roommates came home and decided to join us on the bed. Blond moved over and instead of just moving out of his way, he snuggled right up to me and spooned. I was quite surprised. He only remained that way for a few moments before laughing and moving and returning his attention to the movie.


Earlier that night when he and I had gotten ready to go rent the movie he had gone upstairs to shower and I was waiting for him. I had called up to him to see how soon he would be ready and there was no answer so I went up stairs myself to find him. He opened the bathroom door with his towel on. I said, "Dude, hurry up. Blockbuster is gonna close." He went back into his room and I started talking to my other roommate. Blond decided to get my attention by shouting from the other side of the upstairs (we live in a large 3 story town home). So I turned around and walked back to his room where he "accidentally" exposed himself to me.

So I don't know how to interpret all of this. I don't think he is gay, but maybe just a little curious. It would be one thing if he man-flirted with everyone, but he doesn't. Even my brother said, "You and Blond have a really weird friendship." Which by interpretation means, "I think you guys are kind of acting gay together." If he is gay, he is planning on being with a woman based upon other things I've heard him say. So if he is gay, then, he isn't ready to be gay. So I just don't know how to react around him. Regardless he is a good friend and above all I want it to stay that way. I mean, because if he is straight and would have suspected in the least that I am gay, then I think it would have made him exceptionally uncomfortable to man-flirt with me, even in jest. And I don't want to be one of those gay guys who assumes that every guy is gay or has some sort of gay tendency. It's just weird.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

You Can Meet Me On The Corner Of...


















I couldn't help it. I had to take the picture. Honestly, who planned these neighborhoods here in Virginia?

...Is For Lovers


They say that Virginia is for lovers. I don't know why, but it is I guess. It's just what they say out here. Upon arriving here I had my doubts that Virginia was even for me much less lovers, but I actually have really come to love it here on the East Coast. But to take it a step further, I have actually met someone that I am quite interested in.

I took a tour of a prestigious university and their political science department out here. He was there working in admissions and had just graduated with a BA in Political Science. Thats basically how we met. He is awesome though. It's really casual between him and me and there are no expectations. He is one of the kindest people I've ever met. He treats everyone really well. He's just super nice and good looking to boot. He played r
ugby on scholarship there at his university when he told me that, I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was pretty hot. He's one of those guys that you'd never guess in a million years that he was gay. Anyway for the last 2 weeks or so we've been seeing eachother and it's been really fun. We both know that at the end of the summer I'm moving back to Utah and he is going to be entering the Army so I know eventually it will have to come to an end. I'm trying to stay somewhat emotionally unattached as possible because he is really a one-in-a-billion kind of guy.

On a separate note though, I've never fully posted what my decision is -the three great options I have to choose between. Celibacy. Marriage. Homosexuality. I've dated girls, I've been single for great lengths of time, and the only one that I had not really looked into until last fall as an option was homosexuality. For now, I am looking at what life for me would be like as an open homosexual. I believe that
my life was meant to figure out and if I were to choose any one of those options I could always turn my boat around if it wasn't working out in that direction. I've seen it done before. Both John Galt and Elbow have changed their directions a couple times. Who says I can't either?

At the same time though, when I've read John's blog I am almost sick to my stomach when I think about the situation he was in. It was such an unfair choice for him to make. His blog is partially deleted and I've followed it closely over the last year or so. He had to choose between living his life with the perfect fairy-tale love of his life -a man that he met while on business and his wife, kids, and religion. If you've ever read his blog, it's heart-wrenching. How can a person be made to choose something like that? It's just not fair. I read his blog and I am really sad that he had to make the choice to stay with his wife and kids.

When I read Elbow's blog, it's just the opposite. Elbow is leaving his wife. He was
faithful and tried as hard as he could to make things work out. If you've ever read his blog you'll see that he tried and worked to the point of serious pain and suffering for he and his wife to honor his marriage commitment. In the end, however, it was better for them to separate. When I read his blog I am really sad that a marriage did not work out for him.

Both of these spectacular people have made the choice that works best for them and in NO way do I have any right to say what would be best for them in their given situations. I am like the fly on the wall and the truth is, if Elbow had decided to stay married, I would be sad that he was not able to express his homosexuality and that he was married. If John had decided to leave his wife and kids, I would be sad that he had abandoned his marriage.

In the same way for myself, whatever the outcome is, I will be sad for that which will never be.