Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Being Gay

I am Gay. What? Did you hear me? I said I AM GAY! Yeah so. Whats the big deal? Is it a big deal? I mean, really now, is it a big deal? Okay, I admit it, I'm gay. Lets move past it already. Puhleez!

It would seem to me that my homosexuality takes up a helluva lot more think time than it ought to and it's become an obsession I think. I mean I think about it a lot. Perhaps not directly but at least indirectly all the time. Is that normal or healthy? I think about the Church and my stance toward God. I think about how much I really just don't have answers for so many things I used to think I had answers for. I mean, I used to really believe so solidly in so many things that the Church teaches. Now, however, when I think of the standard church responses to the things that I face I think the answers seems too simple and inadequate for realities I face. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I just wonder if I am devoting too much time to being gay. I mean, do I think about it too much? Perhaps its kind of like sleep deprivation. When you finally get to sleep after having been forced to stay awake for so long you take several hours of sleep to make up for lost time for a long time. I've repressed dealing with my sexuality in the right way for so long that it's like breaking a dam that has held back a flood of emotion for so long that it's a huge relief to let it out. I rather enjoy my new found freedom in loving myself unconditionally and learning what it means to me to be gay. So maybe my obsession is just for the time being. But what if it's not. What if I will never settle into a normal peaceful routine with being gay. Must everything be about my sexuality? Because I don't want it to be. There is a lot more to me than my orientation. In the same way that I want the rest of the world to see me for who I am -more than homosexual- I want to see myself and live my life as more than homosexual. I just want a content life. I just want to settle into something comfortable. Maybe that's too much to ask for. (I am tempted to want to settle into something normal, but I never expected to settle for normalcy when I took on mortality. I want to live an extraordinary life and I will.)

Sometimes I like dealing with my homosexuality a lot. Is that weird? I like the association of my friends from the blog world and such. I like feeling like I've kind of been able to make more sense of something that everybody is trying to make sense of. Making friends with other gay people in the Church and discussing the realities we face has really added a new demension to my life that I enjoy. I mean, maybe I'm just being a little over optimistic. I mean my life is gonna be a lot harder as a gay man than otherwise. I have a lot of social, political, religious, and consequently emotional factors to work through that were it not for my homosexuality I might not ever consider. Dealing with this has not and is not going to be easy. Because of that it brings me back to the question, I will always be dealing with settling in as a homosexual or will I be able to live ?

Oh and by the way, apparently same sex marriages have been banned in Middle Earth.


Stephen said...

I guess the question you should ask is: "Is this taking away from time I should be spending on other things?" If not, then you're still in a healthy zone. If so, then you definitely need to find a way to cut back on the amount of time you spend developing your sexuality... for lack of a better phrase...

Foxx said...

I would consider that part of your 'obsession' has to do with conflict. I think that everybody needs on some level for their existence to make sense to them. As a member of heterocentric society, which most of us tried to fit into before coming out; and as a member of the LDS Church, which teaches things that may or may not conflict with how you feel - even if you know it's true, there is a lot of adjusting that you have to do.

As Scot puts it, you have to work out your ethics. You have to make decisions about what you believe, how you believe, and what you are going to do now. I think it's normal and reasonable for this to take up a lot of your think time, as your brain is trying to resolve deep-seeded conflicts in light of new understanding.

gentlefriend said...

Where in the three degrees of glory is Middle Earth??

President Lee gave us a parable of a person praying to God to be healed with a wound that brought much pain. An angel came to her and said that God loves her but that she would not be healed. Her pain helped her to to have compassion and to help others in pain. Her calling was to not focus on the pain, but to focus on reaching out with compassion and understanding to others in pain and to bless their lives.

It doesn't seem fair that some of us were given handicapped mortal bodies that trigger same-gender attraction. But here we are. I am one whose handicap is still in the "closet". It is no one else's (except my wife's) business. I am not ashamed of it, but I know that most people would have a hard time handling it. As a bishop (once with a family ward and again with a singles ward) I have counselled with many good, faithful LDS heterosexuals handicapped with all kinds kinky attractions. I have met with many with SGA. I have at times asked myself, "What is normal??" Everyone has his or her own unique "thorn[s] in the flesh" (2 Cor. 12:7) One of mine is sexual orientation. Others carry wounds from other sources. I have sat and wept with them all. I have tried to help them to see that God loves them and accepts them where they are. It doesn't matter where they are. What matters is where they are moving.

I hope that I don't sound preachy. I think of sexual things every day. This is me. I am tempted often. I don't feel any less in the Kingdom than anyone else because of it. Others (with their handicaps) may be farther ahead of me but God compares me with no one. What matters is that I am striving to move forward.

You are right that you are far more than your orientation. Far, far more. Please don't let this one aspect block out the other rich, complex gifts you have to share with the world. Wanting to tell everyone you are "Gay, no big deal, lets move past it. Puhleez!" May be a symptom of your struggle to accept yourself unconditionally. It doesn't matter if they know, if you are at peace with who you are. Most people are not spiritually mature enough to accept that aspect of you. That's just the way it is. It is their problem not yours. God is the only other you should worry about. He knows all about you and loves you and is there willing to help you bless others if you will let Him. Whether you come out to others or not is your choice. Weigh the consequences and then ask the Lord what you should do.

He has counseled me to be silent on this aspect of my life as long as I do't transgress His commandments. I have fully confessed my sins in the past to appropriate priesthood leaders, but subsequent priesthood leaders know nothing of my SGA. I probably would not have been called to many of the positions I have held had they known. I have been able to help many boys and men, girls and women through my callings.

It sound like you also are reaching out and blessing lives. Losing your life in His service means to stop dwelling on your wounds and to focusing on helping others to find that they are loveable by seeing that you love and accept them. It sounds like you are on that Path, pressing forward. Thank you for your candid comments. Your honesty and my opportunity to respond has given me the time for introspection and has helped me to stay on the same Path. Thank you.

EvadingOdd said...

Being gay has a huge impact on a person, especially when it's introspective for so many years. My homosexuality has affected my political views, my moral philosophy, my idea of God and my view of death, because my homosexuality gave me a perspective on those things that everyone else in my world lacked. So, as this has had a tremendous impact on me, I kind of feel that if people understood and accepted my homosexuality they would understand and accept that much more of me. I am a lot more than my sexual orientation, but very little of me is unaffected by it.

Plus, I feel like if I could just be GAY, all the time and around all people, then people would allow me to be whatever I want to be. Deep down I just want to shatter their expectations so that I don't have to live with the cage. The size of this in my mind, I think, has to do with the size of gay in the culture. I want them to let me be me, and I feel gay will be the thing that once and for all frees me from the box they've put me in. It probably won't, but it is still pretty big.

I also agree with foxx.

And that's why homosexuality occupies a lot of my time.