Friday, May 25, 2007

Hard Work

I'm still here. I'm really working hard towards my goals so that I can achieve the things I really want to. The unfortunate side effect is that I have little time to do much else than work work work. Sometimes it is overwhelming to work this much. I have so much I really want to say. I've just been so busy that I hardly have time and then when I do have time, I'm so exhausted mentally that I loose all desire to blog about the thought processes that roll around between my ears. I keep an active list of things I want to write about. In truth, I have nearly enough stuff I could expound on to write a whole book. But I thought I should at least state that I am alive and well and working hard. There is never a moment's rest out here. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't worthwhile.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Responsible For YOUR Choices

It's 5:00 in the morning. I should be sleeping right now. I have a long 12 hour day ahead of me. About 15 minutes ago I was aroused from my sleep to the sound of a guitar. It's not an uncommon thing to hear in my apartment as two of my roommates are rockstar wannabes. But at 4:45 in the morning? Usually I can sleep through anything pretty well but it woke me up. It wasn't a big deal. All I needed to do was just turn on the cold air return in my apartment and the white noise would drown out almost anything reasonable.

So I stood there in my underwear, eyes squinting in the artificial light from the kitchen. Immediately my nose was assaulted with the smell of cigarettes and alcohol. My kitchen smelled like a bar. My roommate along with one of my coworkers were up drinking.

Now I am no prude and I understand that if they want to drink it's their choice. This however puts me in a compromising situation. Alcohol is strictly forbidden in the apartment. The apartment is paid for and leased out by my employer. They make the rules. Already one of my coworkers got sent home for drinking in the apartment. It's no secret that it is against the rules. There is a reason for the rules. There is a reason why employers don't serve alcohol in the break room. My apartment is merely an extension of my office. It is the break room.

On Sunday my roommate approached me and asked if I would be upset if he drank in the apartment to which I replied, "Dude, I'm not gonna make that choice for you. I'm not gonna lie for you. If you want to drink that is your choice but I don't want to see it. I don't want to know about it. I don't want the responsibility. Think of the position you put me in by asking me to cover for you. I could get sent home for supporting you. I need this job and I need the money. If you are gonna drink that is your choice, but I don't want anything to do with it."

We also had a conversation previously where he had asked me if I ever drank. I have drank before. I've drank on a few occasions. But looking back, I really didn't care for the way it made m
e feel nor did I care for the way it tasted. I don't like the numbing feeling of humorous stupidity. I choose not to drink because I don't want alcohol in my life. He also knows that I am not an up tight Mormon who is afraid of anything out of the standard paradigm. I guess for him this was the green light.

See, I w
as trying to tell him that it has nothing to do with the morality of drinking itself, but rather the responsibility of loyalty to your job. It's not fair for him to ask me to hide his indiscretion and put my employment in peril. I shouldn't have to police his behavior. I shouldn't have to be responsible for his poor choices. It's just not fair. He worked for my employer last year too and got sent home for drinking in the apartment. Whats more is he is underage. He is still just 20. As for my other coworker, I don't know if he is underage.

I have to report both of them and I really don't want to.
This has ruined my night. How can I be expected to sleep with all of this on my mind. I have a duty to do and I don't want to do it.

"Boy you guys are up late," I said. "I hit a second wind about an hour ago and we don't have to be at the office until 11:30 so... Did we wake you?" "Yeah you did, but it's no big deal." I replied, "I'll just turn on the fan and go back to bed."

I only wish it were that simple....

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Being Gay

I am Gay. What? Did you hear me? I said I AM GAY! Yeah so. Whats the big deal? Is it a big deal? I mean, really now, is it a big deal? Okay, I admit it, I'm gay. Lets move past it already. Puhleez!

It would seem to me that my homosexuality takes up a helluva lot more think time than it ought to and it's become an obsession I think. I mean I think about it a lot. Perhaps not directly but at least indirectly all the time. Is that normal or healthy? I think about the Church and my stance toward God. I think about how much I really just don't have answers for so many things I used to think I had answers for. I mean, I used to really believe so solidly in so many things that the Church teaches. Now, however, when I think of the standard church responses to the things that I face I think the answers seems too simple and inadequate for realities I face. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I just wonder if I am devoting too much time to being gay. I mean, do I think about it too much? Perhaps its kind of like sleep deprivation. When you finally get to sleep after having been forced to stay awake for so long you take several hours of sleep to make up for lost time for a long time. I've repressed dealing with my sexuality in the right way for so long that it's like breaking a dam that has held back a flood of emotion for so long that it's a huge relief to let it out. I rather enjoy my new found freedom in loving myself unconditionally and learning what it means to me to be gay. So maybe my obsession is just for the time being. But what if it's not. What if I will never settle into a normal peaceful routine with being gay. Must everything be about my sexuality? Because I don't want it to be. There is a lot more to me than my orientation. In the same way that I want the rest of the world to see me for who I am -more than homosexual- I want to see myself and live my life as more than homosexual. I just want a content life. I just want to settle into something comfortable. Maybe that's too much to ask for. (I am tempted to want to settle into something normal, but I never expected to settle for normalcy when I took on mortality. I want to live an extraordinary life and I will.)

Sometimes I like dealing with my homosexuality a lot. Is that weird? I like the association of my friends from the blog world and such. I like feeling like I've kind of been able to make more sense of something that everybody is trying to make sense of. Making friends with other gay people in the Church and discussing the realities we face has really added a new demension to my life that I enjoy. I mean, maybe I'm just being a little over optimistic. I mean my life is gonna be a lot harder as a gay man than otherwise. I have a lot of social, political, religious, and consequently emotional factors to work through that were it not for my homosexuality I might not ever consider. Dealing with this has not and is not going to be easy. Because of that it brings me back to the question, I will always be dealing with settling in as a homosexual or will I be able to live ?

Oh and by the way, apparently same sex marriages have been banned in Middle Earth.