Monday, April 09, 2007

My Tender, Broken Heart

As I reflect over the last month or so and all of the interesting turns and learning experiences I have had, I am able to look at things a little more objectively. At the time that I first began blogging last fall I really had somewhat of a fatalistic outlook on my love life. I believed that I would never find someone and that I would never be able to have a healthy, true love relationship with anyone even if I did find someone -regardless of gender. I was surprisingly okay with that idea too. I had made peace with it. Then out of nowhere I was robbed of my preconceived misconceptions. I had my heart stolen. Yes, maybe I gave it, maybe I was robbed. In the end, the details are insignificant I suppose. Regardless though, part of my heart was taken, and I don't know that I can get it back.

I wonder so
metimes if that is the curse of the gay man. Perhaps to always be searching for a place to land your ship but there is nothing but emptiness in the endless universe. Then in a moment you think you've found something beautiful but it is hurtling so fast through the etheric plane and leaving a ribbon of burning gasses, destruction, and debris behind it that all you see in the end was something that looked beautiful, but was impossible to capture. And you sit there looking out of the window of your heart and realize that you are again all alone. I suppose that question is something for a different post.

What I am saying is t
hat I gave a piece of my heart, and not to be (forgive the racial slur) an Indian-giver, but I want that piece of my heart back. I want to be able to let go completely and never worry about it again. I'm not a basket case. I can let go. I am not up at night worrying or upset or even angry, but I wish that the small ping of heartache that occasionally hits would fade away. I'm over him. And I also know he will probably read this and I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he has left a beautiful, tender wound that will always be remarkable in my heart. Perhaps that is too much to ask for.

I learned something in the process of having a piece of my heart
stolen. I learned that there is a very human place in my heart that has the ability and desire to love. And maybe it wasn't that I was robbed, but rather that I bought something and forever gave a piece of my heart in exchange for the education. I guess there are no refunds without a receipt. I now know that I can love someone, that I can indeed love. Knowing that perhaps makes moving on worthwhile. I guess in the end, all lessons -the most important ones anyway, leave deep and beautiful wounds on our most tender places.

I won't go back to my former way of thinking and I suppose I wouldn't go back to him even if he would take me. Though I fear there is always a deep temptation to massage that little tender place and be swept away with wild abandon. I've learned my lessons and I am ready to move on to the next lesson of life. I am thoroughly an optimist and I believe that the future holds nothing but good fortune. With the new tools of character and understanding I am better equipped to become the man that God is shaping me into.

****
On a completely separate note, I just got word from the auto shop here in Laramie. My truck will not be ready until Wednesday afternoon now and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get out of here.

2 comments:

playasinmar said...

Your post doesn't sound gay, it sounds human. I'll freely admit I'm not experienced in the ways of love but tales of woe, soulful mourning, and the violent tinge of heartache sound pretty universal to me.

Le Mec said...

Wow.

This is a beautiful post, and I probably connect with it because I feel the EXACT SAME THING! We'll talk tonight anyway, but for the record, I think you've hit the description on the head:

"Then in a moment you think you've found something beautiful but it is hurtling so fast through the etheric plane and leaving a ribbon of burning gasses, destruction, and debris behind it that all you see in the end was something that looked beautiful, but was impossible to capture."

That's exactly how I feel. Thank you for voicing it in such a beautiful way. I'll look forward to your call tonight.