Friday, March 23, 2007

Unusual Answer to Prayer

Thursday afternoon I noticed that I was feeling a little anxious. Where had this come from? Why was I feeling so uncomfortable? I decided that I needed to pray about it. In reality, I mostly just needed to pray.

I have been really feeling lately like I have no goals in life. Where am I going and what am I doing here. Last fall when I first began to blog about my life, I was in the middle of a pretty big crisis trying to figure all this out. The most painful thing in dealing with all of this has been the feeling that I have lost all of my goals and ambitions and passions in life. I've not been going to school this semester so that I could take a step back, deal with life, and again take up my ambitions for life at the start of the next semester. I am worried though because I haven't felt my desire return. In talking with a friend about this I realized that you can't turn a bicycle around that is not in motion. I need to take that leap into the darkness and work toward my goals and then feel them return. It's a scary thought because I don't want to repeat the pain of last fall semester. I became so self absorbed in my own problems that I neglected the world around me. I was no longer involved with community organizations or even involved with campus clubs. It was all so uncharacteristic of me.

As my relationship with God has improved I have found comfort in feeling a close connection with him through prayer. So I began to pray about my goals, homosexuality, relationships, what He wants me to do in general terms, the classic church concerns etc. I really poured my heart out. It felt really good to unload. I had said the bulk of what was on my mind when I received a text message on my phone from a friend. He asked me, "Are you at the rally?"
"What rally? Where?"
"Kiwanis. 820 N 1100 E Can you come?"
"Okay gimmie a few"
I thought it was some kind of Kiwanis fund raiser or something. I thought, well, God must be answering my prayer to be involved with my community again. Kiwanis is a good organization. They help promote so much wellbeing in a community. Maybe this is God's answer for me.
When I got there I was totally wrong though. It was the Soul Force rally at Kiwanis Park. I hadn't expected that in the least. So I stood there and listened to the speakers. It was all very interesting but I really didn't know what to say about it all. My big question is though, what is God saying to me in all of this? I'm still feeling pretty confused about it all, but the anxiety went away, and I felt much better after I left the park. I called and told my mother about the experience. She really didn't know what to say either.

We talked about God and his plans for me. She said that her prayer since first becoming a mother has been that she would do the very best that she could to help her children and love them and that they would live fulfilled and happy lives. But sh
e also throws a hostile warning to God in her prayers: "I'll do the best I can as a mother, but don't you mess with them. Don't you even think of messing with them. I want them to be happy and fulfilled. Don't mess with them."
Through frustrated tears over the phone she said, "I just don't understand why. Why must you go through this? All I want is for you to live a happy and fulfilled life. Is it possible? How can I make peace with this? I just don't want you to suffer because of this. I love you and I want you to be happy. I shake my fists at God because I don't understand the purpose in all of this. I know you say that you've made peace with this, but I haven't and I need to."

I also don't understand the purpose in this, but I know that God intended me to be this way for whatever reason and by whatever cause. What I don't know is what he wants me to do in the end. Was it an answer from God to go to the Soul Force gathering? What message is he trying to send me? I know that God is so very aware of me and that he is with me every step of the way. I just don't know where I am going and where God is directing me... But I'll keep praying.


iwonder said...

"I have been really feeling lately like I have no goals in life. Where am I going and what am I doing here...The most painful thing in dealing with all of this has been the feeling that I have lost all of my goals and ambitions and passions in life."

Amen. That is exactly the way I feel as well. I don't know what the answer is either. I just posted on this subject - but for me, I have had to reassess several of my goals that are not just not attainable, or even comprehensible for me right now (like marriage. The problem, is that that I don't have anything similar to replace it with. It still is an important goal for me - the goal of having an intimate, loving relationship - but I can't have that with a woman, and I'm not supposed to have that with a man. Kind of depressing, eh?

I guess what I am saying is that we both need something/someone to hold on to. At this point, there may not be anything else to hold on to except our relationship with Heavenly Father. Like you, I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, but I do know that He is there, and that he knows you, and knows me. So, like you said, we'll both just have to keep on praying, and trust in Him that somehow, sometime, it will be ok.

n/a said...

in no ways do I want to sound uncaring about what has been said... I too have felt the exact same feelings but lately it seems like I have been making goals, they may sound lame or whatever but they are mine own so yeah... I have always wanted to race baja trucks but a nice truck costs over 200,000 dollars so it's pretty much non existent in my life...but it hit me my situation is perfect... you always hear of marriages being broken about because of trucks and cars... so I just skip the step of marriage and move on to the car... I make this sound funny in lue of the discussion but it fits me perfect I know this isn't the answer to most peoples problems but for now it seems to be the answer for me...(I'm sorry "DP" if this comment has been offensive but for now it is my solution in my life...)

agirlwho said...

I remember hearing once that answers to prayers come in one of three forms: yes, no, and wait a little longer. I've also realized that prayers are answered in the process of making life happen. You step forward into the dark, then the Lord illuminates your path for one more step. The gap between your knowledge and the Lord's must exist, otherwise there would be no faith. Have faith that the Lord will lead you to a happy and fulfilled life. It is definitely unnerving to take each step into the dark, but I have seen how he's led me in my life when I felt like I didn't have any direction. I was struggling last semester with the same thoughts as you. I felt hopeless and worthless at times. I felt incapable of the smallest accomplishment. But something happened, I realized that life is bigger than my perceived and real challenges. The Lord helped me to wake up and see that life is good and I can trust him to guide me. I know he can do the same for you.

drex said...

If I had had the experience you did, and if I felt like it was an answer to prayer and not a coincidence, I would analyze how I felt being at the rally, and what my reaction was to the things that were said.

Personally, I was put off by the last few speakers, because they were trying to speak on behalf of the majority of gay Mormons in the area, but were preaching perspectives that most of us don't share. That rally really hammered home the idea that if anything's going to be done to get the viewpoint *I* agree with out, it's going to have to be me. I intend to be more involved in making my voice heard and helping BYU be a place where we can be open about what we go through without fearing administrative repercussions. That's what I got out of it.

Answers to prayer can be confusing and complex, or sometimes extraordinarily simple. Maybe you were just supposed to be there. Maybe you just needed to get out. Maybe you were supposed to talk to somebody. Maybe it was just a catalyst for something else. Either way, a lot of the time one of the best methods for figuring out where God wants you to go is to decide on a course of action and pray to know if it's right - God will give us hints of what to do along the way, but he won't usually outline the whole trip for us.

Thrasius said...

I liked your most recent post. You really seem like an amazing person and someone I would want to be friends with. Keep praying and staying on the right path and I promise you your passions and ambitions will return. I love the scripture that says, "Bridle all your passions, that you may be filled with love" It is really true.