Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dreams of a Better Life

I’m feeling especially depressed today. I’m not sure why. When I get depressed I make stupid choices. Really stupid. I need to be careful today. I am sitting in my pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon. I’ve not done much… wait, I’ve done nothing today.

I didn’t go to church because I didn’t set my alarm clock and when I did get up I only had a half hour before church started so I didn’t go. That was my excuse last week too. I don’t feel like I am going anywhere in life sometimes. I am so undecided about this whole homosexuality thing and I’ve been sitting on this heavy indecision for nearly 6 months and I have not come to any conclusions nor have I learned anything new about myself or progressed to a better place. I just am. I’m stuck. I hate this.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that I got married to a particular girl that I know. She is beautiful and a really fun girl. In the dream on our wedding night we passionately made out, but well, we didn’t go all the way. I know this sounds funny, but love isn’t about sex and I really loved her in this dream. That’s what our wedding night was about. It was about our love –my love for her. I loved being with her and I was as in love with her as I could be. Then (as dreams are often random) due to a number of circumstances over the next couple days we were not able to be together. I was away on business. When I finally returned to our home she was not there. I called her on her cell phone and she had gone to her mother’s place. She then told me over the phone that we were getting divorced because I was a terrible lover. She felt when she looked into my eyes and felt my body next to hers that I didn't really love her, even though I did. I was crushed. I wanted her to know that there is this part of my life that I deal with that she wouldn’t ever understand but that it was no reflection on how I felt about her. I wanted her to know that it wasn't because I didn't love her because I did love her I loved her more than she could ever know. I did everything in my power to tell her that I loved her. It was too late though. She was set on getting the divorce and was already engaged to be married to a different guy.

Anyway, it was something to think about. Weird dream for sure.

I need a vacation -from my life.

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