Tuesday, February 13, 2007

What Ever and Ever. Amen.

I've been a long time fan of Ben Folds, (in fact I think his CD was one of the first I ever bought) but more recently this particular song has taken on a little more meaning in my life. I dunno who put the lame music video together, but listen to the music and words rather than watch.

What I've kept with me

And what I've thrown away
And where the hell Ive ended up
On this glary, random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being to pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot
Down the road
Started thinking about
My old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go

Here I stand - sad and free
I cant cry and I cant see
What Ive done
God. . .what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man
No I cant feel a thing at all
cause its all smiles and business
These days
And I'm indifferent to the loss
Ive faith that there's a soul somewhere
Who's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down. . .


I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated. . .see?

Blind man on a canyons edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a strangers knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dreams of a Better Life

I’m feeling especially depressed today. I’m not sure why. When I get depressed I make stupid choices. Really stupid. I need to be careful today. I am sitting in my pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon. I’ve not done much… wait, I’ve done nothing today.

I didn’t go to church because I didn’t set my alarm clock and when I did get up I only had a half hour before church started so I didn’t go. That was my excuse last week too. I don’t feel like I am going anywhere in life sometimes. I am so undecided about this whole homosexuality thing and I’ve been sitting on this heavy indecision for nearly 6 months and I have not come to any conclusions nor have I learned anything new about myself or progressed to a better place. I just am. I’m stuck. I hate this.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that I got married to a particular girl that I know. She is beautiful and a really fun girl. In the dream on our wedding night we passionately made out, but well, we didn’t go all the way. I know this sounds funny, but love isn’t about sex and I really loved her in this dream. That’s what our wedding night was about. It was about our love –my love for her. I loved being with her and I was as in love with her as I could be. Then (as dreams are often random) due to a number of circumstances over the next couple days we were not able to be together. I was away on business. When I finally returned to our home she was not there. I called her on her cell phone and she had gone to her mother’s place. She then told me over the phone that we were getting divorced because I was a terrible lover. She felt when she looked into my eyes and felt my body next to hers that I didn't really love her, even though I did. I was crushed. I wanted her to know that there is this part of my life that I deal with that she wouldn’t ever understand but that it was no reflection on how I felt about her. I wanted her to know that it wasn't because I didn't love her because I did love her I loved her more than she could ever know. I did everything in my power to tell her that I loved her. It was too late though. She was set on getting the divorce and was already engaged to be married to a different guy.

Anyway, it was something to think about. Weird dream for sure.

I need a vacation -from my life.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Telling The Truth

I can't believe I did it. It was terrifying, but satisfying. I had often thought about doing it, but having courage to follow through with thought is a different animal altogether.

Of all the people I know, I am closest to my brother. We are almost two years apart. And though we used to fight as brothers do, and I used to beat on him now and again, he is my closest friend. We were roommates for a whole year at school and through the summer before he got married to a friend of mine last fall. In our relationship, being t
he older brother, naturally I was the leader. I was the example. I graduated from high school first, served my mission first, enrolled in university first. Now that he is married though, he is... well, walking a path that frankly I may never walk.

Coming out to my parents was terrifying enough. I first told them right after returning from my mission. I stuttered, sputtered, and my mind locked up like an engine at 10,000 RPMs with no motor oil. It felt like the most humiliating experience of my life because I was so ashamed of myself at the time. I could hardly bring myself to tell them. It was a really big deal for me. I told myself that I would never tell another person unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course that was almost four years ago and I am no longer ashamed of who I am. Many things have changed…

This last weekend I made a bit of a road trip to visit my brother. I had no intention of telling him the truth about my attractions, yet during the six hours of silence on the road, I literally out of no where gained a conviction that I needed to tell my brother. I had occasionally thought of telling him or others but mostly for the thrill of frightening myself. I suppose I just realized that people knowing about my situation doesn’t change my reality. It won’t make me any more or less gay and if there is anyone that I should be able to trust, it’s my best friend: my brother.

My second night there I told him that we needed to talk and go for a drive.
This was not entirely unusual as my brother and I always talked and it is just nice to be with each other one on one. We talked about his marriage and little pet peeves of his wife (who is wonderful) and so on and on. The conversation came to a lull and I said with a grin and a slight up beat tone, “So can you keep a secret?”
“Yeah, I can.”
After a brief silence I said, “I’m gay."
Yeah, seriously.”
“How do you know? I mean how can you be sure?”
“Well, trust me I know. I’ve felt it my whole life.
The first time I ever admitted it to anyone was Bishop Soandso when I was just 13 or 14. I’ve been dealing with it for a while.”
“So you’re not attracted to girls at all?”
“Not so much…”
We continued for a while and after I finally convinced him that I was sure I
was gay he kind of went off on a bit of a lecture about the church and life and handicaps (he has a physical handicap of his own). He talked about how one can choose to live a handicapped life and identify themselves as such or they can transcend their handicaps and live despite them. He tried to think of something he could compare it to. He talked about “A Beautiful Mind” and how the main character referred to the way he dealt with his struggle as a “diet of the mind” and that is something I must consider.

I countered that I don’t feel handicapped –that I feel like a whole person.
I explained to him that while being gay has provided a unique set of challenges I am glad to be me. I wouldn’t trade places with anyone.

I don’t think he realized the extend of challenges I have faced.
I mean I had to tell him that this isn’t a recent development of the last year or so… It has been my entire life. “Yeah, the thing that sucks the most is feeling like you have this big secret that you can’t tell anyone about. Or that people will think you are a pervert or messed up or that you want to be a woman and that’s NOT me.”

He sat thinking about what this for a while –the import of what it means for me, and what the defining struggle of my life has consist
ed of.
“Did you ever even suspect this about me?”
“I would have never guessed in a million years if you hadn’t told me”

I continued and explained to him that I probably will never get married regardless of what lifestyle I choose.
I just can’t expect to. He of course countered with the “nothing is impossible” angle and I agreed that indeed it is possible, but unlikely. We argued back and forth about my “marriageability” and looking at it realistically. I also talked about statistics and such and that I cannot ignore the reality of my situation. No matter how badly I want some things, they just won’t be part of my life.

“Sure I’d be willing to give marriage a shot with the right girl. But I can’t expect to go into marriage with a sampler’s attitude. I have to be sure and committed and I don’t know that I can ever be sure enough nor that such a girl would exist for me. I am not going to put my life on hold for a reality that may not be mine.” This realization broke his heart because he loves his wife so much and wants for me to experience the beauties of marriage too. I must accept that there are some things I cannot change.

We continued and went back and forth about the Church a little bit but
I didn’t really want to argue about the Church especially because he is just as good at arguing anything as I am. So I let him go on for a while. It made me feel bad. I didn’t know what to say to him about the Church. I don’t even know what to say to myself about the Church.

Finally I said, “Listen, I don’t expect you to give answers to me about the Church or anything here.
I have done a lot of reading from both sides about this issue –married men, out and gay men, and celibate men. I have heard it all. I have read countless books articles and essays about this and none of it is conclusive. I don’t expect you to be able to give me an answer.”

“I know,” he said half way choked up with a lump. “You told me because you want me to tell you that I love you and that no matter what I still love you. I love you more than you know. You have been the most influential person in my life. You have been the strongest spiritual example to me out of anyone on the planet. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. No one has played a bigger role in my life than you. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have endured because of this and I am so so sorry. How hard this has been for you… I cannot even begin to imagine. No matter what happens, I love you and nothing can change that.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. This is my life and I am privileged to live it. Of course it is painful; so is everyone else’s.”

We got back to his place and stood outside and talked for a while longer. “If you ever need to just talk, call me.” He threw his arms around me and hugged me. Then with tears in his eyes said, “I love you.”