Sunday, January 07, 2007

Scary Thoughts

It is said that thought precedes action, and I would tend to agree. Lately I have been feeling a bit anxious because of my thoughts.

I came out to my parents a few years back but it wasn’t until Thanksgiving that we really talked about it again. In fact, I think they better understood the ultimate challenge I face better than I did when I first told them. But as for coming out to anyone else; I have not. Even so, thoughts of coming out have been swimming between my ears.

And though my parents have some what of a clue as to what my struggle entails, but I don’t know that they REALLY know how close I am to declaring my homosexuality and moving on. I don’t think I really know how close I am to it either. It scares me to think of being fully “out” and living a gay life. Because it scares me, I think I tell myself that “I still don’t now what I want” but deep down inside I am decided.

I am afraid that by coming out I will only ever be seen as a gay man, and nothing else. That it will be an identifying feature that most people won’t be able to look past and what scares me even more is that being gay is all I will ever see in myself. I fear that the better parts of me will die.

I think about what that would mean for me in the long run and I wonder if I would be happier than I am now. I think of wanting to be true to myself on all fronts of life and yet I wonder if I can ever fully accomplish the becoming of who I want to be by being true to myself.

I have thought of giving my parents the link to this blog.

I was talking to my brother on the telephone last week about a long time friend of mine. He asked me if I “liked” her. After telling him no, he responded, “You’re never interested in girls.” I felt my face flush and a mild pulse of indignation course through my body. I have thought about telling my brother that I am gay.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a married friend. She asked me the classic insult question. “If you have been back from your mission for 3 ½ years, then why aren’t you married yet?” I wanted to tell her, “Well, you see, the prophets have counseled us to seek out a spouse and marry in the temple, but when it comes to homosexuals, they tell us it’s better if we don’t.” The truth of the matter is, heterosexual marriage is really unappealing to me because of my homosexuality.

My thoughts are many and fragmented. I usually wouldn’t post something this disjointed, but I will anyway.


-L- said...

Hey, sorry for the edgy cusp where you seem to be.

I completely remember the hounding I always got at the hands of people who didn't mean to be so obnoxious, but were (in spite of themselves). Sorry you're in that place right now. It certainly won't last forever. Just be careful that the way you get out of it is really the way you want to get out of it. You can always change your mind later and switch directions, but I'm guessing it saves you some trouble to really figure out what you believe and what you want ahead of time. ;-)

Chris said...

I think the desire to be identified as something other than "just gay" is natural and understandable and, fortunately, mostly within your power. There will be some who, because you are gay, will only see you as gay. But that says more about them than it does about you.

As I have come out one of the hardest things for me has been the realization that many people who love me and to whom I have been very close believe that the life choices I have made are, for lack of a more diplomatic term, satanic. I suspect you will encounter some of that as well. Again, I think such views say more about those who hold them than they do about you.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

Ultimately it's only yourself you have to live with, and the Creator whom you have to answer to. Whether others' opinions are positive or negative shouldn't influence you as much as what you feel to be the right course.

Elbow said...

I'm in your corner. I've been where you are and actually made the step when I was at BYU to come out to my family and friends. After living my life as a gay man, with a boyfriend (of two) and all that goes a long with it. I decided I wasn't happy, and I felt the need to reconnect with the gospel and with looking for an eternal companion.

We all have our paths. Follow yours. You never know where it may lead.

agirlwho said...

Whenever I find myself faced with thoughts (and decisions) that frighten me, although I haven't dealt with the same challenge as you, I recognize that what I fear is the possibility of never being happy with what I choose. If I choose without the Lord's guidance it's a toss up. I might choose correctly and I might not. If I consult the Lord, he promises happiness. I hate to add the word "eventually", but it's true. Believe that the Lord will show you his plan for you. It's a step at a time and sometimes that's frightening. There is always a gap between what we know and what the Lord knows. I hope this hasn't been too preachy. Just realize that there are more options than you think and it's more than gay or straight.