Sunday, November 19, 2006

Missing Person

I am disappearing. I hardly recognize myself anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me. Sometimes I just try to feel nothing because the reality of what is happening to me is such a tragedy. I'm not trying to sound fatalistic or mellowdramatic. If you were to talk to any of my close friends they would tell you that I am ambitious, a leader, a dreamer, and that I am really going places with my life. Most of them still think that of me. But that is all changing. I can hardly cope with my daily life anymore much less really think of cultivating a truly meaningful life.

When did this metamorphosis begin? How did it all come to this?
I suppose it was last January that I had a huge break through. For the first time I really began to live my life. I began the beautiful process of learning to love myself unconditionally. I no longer cared what anyone else thought of me. It was at that
point that being a member of the Church was no longer about keeping up appearances or doing church activities such as scripture reading and home teaching out of fear of not doing EVERYTHING perfectly. Through that process of letting go though, I completely had to reevaluate my reasons for being a member of the Church. Do I really believe it all? I began taking steps backward to find out what I believed in. Essentially over the next several months I began to take the “house” down to the “foundation.”

God –is he there? Yes, I believe he is. Beyond that I don’t know so much.
What does God want from me? Why did he make me as I am? What does he expect from me out of my life and do I have the courage to pursue that?

I am so tired of fighting this, and I don’t feel like I have any strength to fight the battle against my homosexuality any more. I feel like because God never has “rescued me” from it that perhaps I can’t be held accountable for embracing it. But that’s not even the heart of the matter… It’s like the more that I try to accept things that I cannot change and try to do the best that I can, the less desire I have to progress personally and spiritually. Ever since coming to grips with life, I have become more apathetic towards it and a disillusioned pessimist.

I won’t deny that God has played a role in my life. He has helped me to overcome much. He has put me through so many many learning experiences (i.e. trials) that have shaped who I am. I am grateful for them too because I like who I am. All of these learning experiences however have brought me to the place I am at now –that God has lead me here. But now that I am here, I feel like I am left in the dark. Like I was lead into an endless hallway and the door was shut and locked behind me and all of the doors in this endless hall are either locked or lead into another dark endless hallway. I don’t know where to go anymore for answers.

I want to have a meaningful life, but it seems impossible anymore. I am like a musician who has lost his muse. I have begun this downward spiral where I am willing to settle for less. Can you believe it? Mediocrity! Someone as wonderful, as talented, and as great as me is settling for bare minimum out of his life and I don’t even know why damnit! Why have I lost my strength? Why have I lost my zeal for living and making a difference in the world? Where did it go? How can I get it back?

If the real me continues to vanish, what will happen to me? It scares me to death! I don’t know where I’ll be in the next year. I used to have everything planned out and now I don’t even know if I’ll even attempt to accomplish any of my life goals. What am I supposed to do?


Scot said...

I hope you can find strength in the fact that others have made it out of similar dilemmas, but I suspect it may be little comfort.

For caution, I’d not embrace anything for which you thought you’d be held accountable by God. It’s just seemed to me that those who feel they’re settling for either the their orientation or their religious ideas don’t do well. Eh, I’m repeating myself :-).

I know it may sound a bit too simple, but, to me, life means what it says, what it does. The meaning will be there; it’s our choices that give that inevitable meaning its quality, value. I just hope you can find a solution that doesn’t make you feel you’ve diminished that quality, or given up on the wrong part of yourself in that year from now.

If I can answer any questions from my side, feel free to ask. Many here, I'm sure, are willing to help at the drop of an email.

Kengo Biddles said...

First, it may help you to think of it not as a "Battle against your Homosexuality." It doesn't say "kill your passions." It says "bridle." eg TAME. Not KILL. So I think that's a nother part of it. And I think I'll join Scot in repeating himself.

IT'S NOT EITHER-OR. It's a false dilemma, that really ISN'T at all, in the LEAST true. Stuff to consider.

-L- said...

Scot, you rock. You are one of the most amazing people I know. And, umm, I don't really know you. I think your advice is great.

I'll just add on my two cents that I've had a somewhat similar feeling... in fact, I'm feeling it off and on these days still. I used to blame my fall from being brilliant and outgoing on pornography. I do think it has had a really strongly negative effect, but I'll limit my commentary on that. I've also wondered how my health has contributed to my energy level and ability to deal with life's issues. From the medical perspective, you could seriously have hypothyroidism or clinical depression or any number of other health issues that contribute to what you are feeling. You might want to think about taking that possibility seriously.

Ultimately, though, I think my perspective has always been inadequate when I've not done the simple things past experiences have told me I need to be doing to have clarity of mind. They are (drumroll please): reading the scriptures, serving others, praying, etc. It's the basics that make me happy and give me a feeling of peace and direction.

Good luck finding peace and happiness in your life through one course of action or another. I look forward to hearing what you decide to do and how it all turns out. :-)

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

I too that found after discovering myself and accepting who I was that life changed dramatically. Suddenly I felt like many of the things I felt so sure of were in question and needed reevaluation.

May I simply suggest a few things from experience. First, don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. I made some conclusions about life that I felt were obvious given what I'd decided about myself. I later realized I hadn't really given that enough thought. Second, I don't think it's bad to question; surely the Lord appreciates a sincere servant who diligently seeks what he feels is right?

Sometimes I feel a sense of urgency in all of this. I want to know things now, I want to be able to move forward. I try to remember to remain patient - small steps will suffice for us.