Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My life is full of contrast. I seem to live twice the life of others I think. Some say that I have a “strong” personality. Others say it’s outgoing or adventurous. I simply say, “it’s complicated.” I have always lived a life of conflict –as if the opposites of life such as, happiness and sadness, confusion and understanding, healing and hurt have always been much more prevalent in my life than in the lives of others. Astrologers would say it’s because I am both a Pisces and an Aquarius. Psychologists would say it’s because of my parents and my upbringing. Regardless of the reasons, however, I think I live twice the life of the average person. At times it difficult to be me, sometimes unbearable, but I would have it no other way.
The ironies are so great that I have to stop and chuckle at them sometimes. If I am waiting in line at the store, just as I arrive at the front, the cash register will break or something and I must line back up elsewhere. If something is being passed out to every one, mine will come broken. Last year I did a study abroad. While checking my bag at my first airport, it split open wide exposing all of my belongings -irony number one. I taped it shut and checked it, figuring that it is better to catch my flight and hope for the best. Six airports later and two canceled flights (which could technically be considered irony number two, but we'll lump it with the first) reunited me with my duffel that had been shrink-wraped by the airport security. I went with a group of 7. Of course, I was the only guy in the group which was irony number two. It's never fun to be singled out. Never trust highly emotional girls in large groups. They blame the only english speaking guy for all their problems. Everyone received a wonderful host family... except for me. I got the host family from hell -irony number three. I could write a book on all the psychological neuroses that my host mother possessed. Eventually I moved out and in with a new host family which I picked myself. Moving out was a fiasco that could take several pages of writing... from all my belongings being taken by the police to the bus breaking down and I, myself, having to push it down the street with a bunch of strangers. After that it was all normal (or normal as far as my life is concerned). I have no regrets about the way things turned out... It just illustrates my point though. I was at the doctor's office yesterday and I was called out by a nurse to follow to the back. After doing several routine
procedures, weight blood pressure, temperature, etc, he began to input the data into computer and realized that I had gained 20 pounds in one week! It was at that point that he realized that he had called the wrong person to the back to see the wrong doctor. The nurse and I walked back to the waiting room where sat the other guy with my name. He couldn't have been more opposite than me -a suit and tie kinda guy, skinny skinny, and married. Ironically, not only did we share the same first name, but also the same middle and nearly the same last name(it was off by a few letters)! I shouldn't be surprised. These kind of things happen all the time to me. Last time I was at the doctor's office, the doctor was late by and hour and a half. He was in a meeting and just forgot about the appointment. I should just begin to expect that SNAFUs will always come my way.
Well, I suppose this isn't exactly a good way to start my blog, but its the truth. My life has been coming unraveled at a frightening pace. I have always been fairly level-headed, or so I would assume. I am a university student. I am 24. I come from a normal family. I was raised by great parents. I was also raised as a Mormon. Incidentally I am gay. It doesn't make for simple living, but that's the deck of cards I play with. I didn't ask for it, but that's the way life is right?
So why has everything started to come unglued all at once? I have come to a huge cross-road. My options are simple as they are placed before me. 1. Continue to live the life of a Mormon but not deny that I am attracted to men, and therefore live a life of celibacy and loneliness. 2. Live in denial of my homosexuality and find a nice girl and marry her and bring a load of worry and concern to both of our lives. Statistically the odds are not in my favor for a successful marriage. Most end in divorce and bring havoc to both the life of the divorcees as well as any children. 3. Leave the church, my associates, my church university, and take the big step into the unknown world of gayness.
I have felt cornered as I have tried to take this slowly as to make the right decision for me. The Church would have me choose option 1 or 2. But if it were up to me, I wouldn't choose any of those options...
The truth is, I feel betrayed by the Church. I was told by bishops, LDS counselors, and the like, that if I just prayed and believed and read the scriptures that I would eventually be able to marry and my feelings of same gender attraction would fade or something like that... but they have neither gone away nor faded no matter how many years of religious devotion I have flogged myself with. I am gay. This I must accept. God accepted it when he made me this way.


Chris said...

Thanks for posting on my blog. I'm glad I found yours. All the best to you on your journey and good luck with your half marathon!

Kengo Biddles said...

I will say this: Don't limit yourself in your options. Just becaues you feel like there are only three choices doesn't _mean_ there are only three choices. It's a false dilemma and strips us of at least a portion of our agency, which makes Satan rejoice. That being said, welcome to the Queerosphere, as it's been dubbed.

"See you" around campus.