Thursday, October 26, 2006

Sick of this!

Why am I so damn emotional? I’m really coming unglued. I don’t even want to write this because I am so disgusted with myself and the situation I find myself in. This whole homosexuality thing makes me want to vomit.
Two and a half years ago I was a very different person. I was so deep into denial about my issues that I believed in, that I was vehemently opposed to the public gay community. I said to myself, “Shoot, if I can choose to be straight then so can they!” I saw them as people who had given up on making themselves into something “clean and wholesome” and I judged them somewhat harshly –but only as harshly as I judged myself.
In the city where I am from there was a huge gay marriage fall-out and protesters were everywhere. I joined the ranks in protesting gay marriage. I saw it as a threat to my success as one who was trying and working at a deadly pace to overcome my same-sex attraction. I never hated anyone, as many of the protesters there did. Some carried signs reading “God Hates Faggots!” and “Eternal Damnation” and a whole slough of nasty threats. I will never forget the bull horn and the jerk who, in the name of god, condemned everyone there. Even though I was terrified of my own self and my personal struggles, I could never agree with such statements. How could I? In fact I got into an argument with the ass that was carrying the bull-horn. He condemned me for not agreeing with him. I stood as far away from him and his other haters in the designated protest area. Really I just didn’t want gay marriage to be passed into legislation as legal. That would have been too much for me.
When NPR interviewed me I never gave my name, I wanted to remain anonymous. I still want to. Several other radio stations and newspapers interviewed several people, but I was interviewed a lot. I always made sure to say that I didn’t hate anyone and that I just didn’t think that it was right or something… I dunno… I just remember that I felt like I was more of a voice of reason amidst the battle…
Anyway, enough of the stupid excuses! While the political struggle went on for more than two days, I was only there for a couple of hours. I ended up being photographed by one of the major national news magazines, and it was published with me in the forefront. I am the central focus of the picture. If I mentioned the magazine, you’d recognize it. I didn’t know that they took the picture and I didn’t even find out about it until eight months later when a friend from church congratulated me for being famous. I was a bit uneasy then, but nothing like I am now.
One of the students in my building came up to me tonight and said, “Hey I saw a picture of you today. Well, at least I think it was you.” I said, “Oh yeah? Where did you see it?” I had no idea where she was coming from or what picture she saw. “It was a picture of you at a protest.” My stomach began to knot up. “It is in my textbook.” Apparently this picture has become quite popular. I am practically clip-art now! Yes, I have seen the textbook, and yes it is me in the picture.
No one asked my permission to be put in the textbook. Someone made hella cash off of me for a mistake I made and it just makes me sick! I want it out! I want it to just go away. If I had known that it would have come to this I would have never gone to the stupid protest anyway! Not only do I feel like a hypocrite on some level, but this affects me more than you might realize. I am a political science major. While I don’t plan on getting into big-time politics, I do plan on being somewhat in the public eye. I feel like my going to that protest is like stepping into a hornets nest and some how, at some point in time, it will come back and sting me.
A friend from out of state called me while I was looking at my portrait in the textbook. As I was talking to her I expressed my disgust about the situation. I stood outside in the cold wondering if she could really hear that I was upset. She has been a good friend, one of those people that you can really trust. In fact, I had already considered coming-out to her on a couple of occasions. In truth, I am “out” to almost no one. I explained that my position on the issue had softened and that I no longer felt the same way. I gave her some valid but generic reasons, but also being cautious not to “give myself away.” Her basic response crushed me. “Yes, but Cas, what they do is so disgusting. Every time I think about gays and lesbians it just… Ooh!”
I was crushed. Not only did I expect her to be more understanding than most, but I thought she would be able to see people for who they are. I still don’t know where I stand on this issue for me. But I do know that there is more to me than the fact that I am attracted to men. I’m forever tagged. Stereotypes that are so hurtful. I will forever be stereotyped as a fag –that I like to wear women’s clothes, or talk with a lisp or am ultra feminine, or that I wish I was a woman, or that I am a pervert or a wimp or a child molester or a butt pirate! I’m none of those things. Most of my friends would never even suspect me to be homosexual. I like being a man, like being masculine, and I am not a wimp. I’ve never wanted to be a woman nor do I pretend to be a woman. I am a MAN. I can lead, take charge of a situation, I am strong, and yes, I do have good fashion sense. But damn it! There is so much more to me than just that! I have already said in previous posts that I love me. I love who I am. I can see beyond the homosexuality for who I am. I just wish others could…


Scot said...

It’s been many years, but I remember going on long walks thinking near the same things you express here (I didn’t even have the fashion sense; still don’t :-)). I felt the same way about gays, and was sure I wasn’t one of them because I wasn’t like “them”, and am just grateful marriage rights for gay couples were such a small issue that there was no need to protest against them.

I’d put the anti-gay rights efforts you’ve been involved in behind you, as much as being a poster boy in a book would allow. Many of us went through periods of being anti-gay, as we absolutely didn’t want it ourselves. It’s understandable, and I, for one, would not fault you for it (But I’d still argue passionately for the rights :-)).

Time, effort, and much introspection resolved all that for me, and I’m sure it will for you two. There’s a lot to decide, and it isn’t simple, but it’s manageable. People such as myself came to the conclusion that following that piece of us was not immoral. Others bloggers here came to another conclusion. Either way, there are many here willing to help.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog and for the compliment.

I'm eager to read more of your thoughts on your blog.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

I remember back when the marriage amendment to outlaw gay marriage came up in Utah. Sadly, my views have changed greatly since then, and had I the chance to re-vote today, I would vote against it. All I can really do is move forward trying to affect things in the way I now feel and see them.