Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I’m feeling kind of blue. This has been an incredibly difficult semester for me on a number of levels. I feel like I have suddenly lost myself this semester. I used to be able to accomplish things, set goals, and live life without hesitation. I could achieve anything, and I believed it. I really was prepared to take on life by the horns. I was fearless, confident, strong. Now I don’t know what has happened. I feel as though my life has begun to slip out of my control. I hate school now. My grades reflect it this semester too. I had big dreams of really doing something great with my life and I worked for it. I enjoyed working hard and seeing the results but I don’t even care anymore. Certainly our long term goals evolve and become new and that which we used to want changes; thus is life. But my dreams haven’t changed, they’ve evaporated. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am walking a path that scares me. The academics I used to enjoy are a burden and now, even my favorite subject that I have studied for five semesters with an A every time is bogging me down and I feel awful. I know I am smart. I am really intelligent and creative. It’s all trapped inside me though. I don’t know why. I see my professors and really like them. I always try to keep somewhat of a relationship with my professors. But I am ashamed of my grades. I want my professors to know that I am smart; to know that I can do anything and that I can be successful even in hard classes. I took a test today for one of my political science classes. It’s an incredibly difficult course, the most difficult of the major and arguably one of the most difficult on campus. I sat down with my test, knowing that I wasn’t really prepared to take it. It was insulting to my intelligence. As I looked over the test, I knew that I could have studied and done well or at least passed. It would have taken preparation and work, but I could have done it. Instead I just BS-ed my way through the test, knowing full well that the professor is no idiot. He can smell BS just as well as anyone. Which is why I feel so stupid. The test didn’t reflect my intelligence and my ability. I didn’t even bother to check my work or fully follow the instructions… I just turned it in half-assed. I almost would rather have not taken the test at all. It’s embarrassing. It says, “I’m a lazy-ass son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t give a shit about school.” Even if it is true at the moment, it’s not characteristic of me or my deep desires. I feel humiliated.


Sir Robert Chiltern said...

Sad! I've felt very unmotivated with school as well this semester. It hasn't shown it's mark yet, but I know how far behind I am in my school work, and things are going to come around and kick me in the butt. Wouldn't be nice if we could push pause on all other worries and troubles in life long enough to get school out of the way?

Kengo said...

I too have been highly slackerly, and I'm getting worse, since I'm doing National Novel Writing Month again. I wish I had the formula to re-interesting one's self in the semester at hand...I'd be rich!