Sunday, October 22, 2006

I feel all alone

So my elder’s quorum president came by for a “personal priesthood interview.” I never really know what to say in those kinds of situations. He is a nice guy, who means well and really wants the best for those around him, but I don’t trust. I gave him standard answers that make his job easier. I don’t want someone, a stranger, to ask me questions about my personal life and expect me to open up and pour all my troubles out. My struggles are sacred. That is privileged information that I am willing to share, but only with those that put my friendship before church-ship. Make sense? I want to be valued by others because I am me, not because I happen to be in the same ward or more broadly the same church. I shouldn’t criticize his efforts because he is probably willing to be my friend. I just hate the “duty factor” in so many church assignments. Its one of the primary reasons I haven’t done my home teaching in a long time. I have such mixed feelings about it. I don’t know what my motivations would be and to avoid doing it for the sake of doing it –which is in my opinion a horrible reason, I just don’t do it… catch my drift? Anyway, apparently the bishop here is so hard-core, that he calls people into his office and reprimands them if they miss their home teaching for more than two months. I’m on to month two, and well, I still feel no desire to home teach.

The stupid thing is that in truth I could use some friends –some real friends. I am tired of feeling so distanced from everyone. I used to be so social, and now I have backed into a shell. Historically it’s not my nature to be so closed off to others. It’s not that I am completely alone, I have some good friends, but I need a few good friends close by. Being so friendless makes me really self conscious too. I feel like I have to be super cool… almost like I am too cool for friends, which distances others from me. So I’ve created this gap, and now I am kinda lonely. I really just want to love and be loved –unconditionally.


-L- said...

I was just thinking today that I need more real friends. Not the kind that I see everyday at work and we chat about our jobs and families, but the kind that really know what I'm like and what I hope and dream. I can always use more friends like that.

On the other hand, I have one that will always be with me and I'm forever grateful (my wife!).

I haven't home taught in forever. And while I do feel guilty about that, it's mainly because I've been too lazy to do it. I have no philosophical opposition to being assigned like that, because it always turns into a genuine friendship for me. I get the assigned exposure, the friendship happens because of the effort I put in. I actually really like home teaching... when I do it. ;-)

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

Yeah, I suppose you're right. Home teaching does lend itself to a certain amount of social capital that can really feel empowering. I just hate the the friendship is based on an assignment. The other thing is, I don't feel guilty about not home teaching. After all, the relationship was made objective the moment it was made into an assignment.

Thanks for your comment!


Kengo Biddles said...

Friendship is definitely important. I think that's why a great many of us do blog.

I'm one that's not afraid to meet and chat in a public place at times, so if ever you would like to we could arrange to meet on campus.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

I too once received a personal visit from my Elder's Quorum president. It's was completely impromptu - I was very surprised. At first, I was mildly flattered, thinking he'd thought to come visit me as I was being so-so with church activity. Then I essenetially got a worthiness interview. I was like, WO! We've had little more than hellos at church and you're just gonna drop by my house to ask me questions like that? I don't think so.

I've long disagreed with this feeling that because someone is a church leader they can ask you all sorts of personals questions, and you're just expected to vomit up all the answers. Shouldn't such sharing be based on established trust? Just my thoughts anyway.