Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Evolutions of Thought

There is an interesting aspect to the evolution of my struggle that I had not expected. In some ways it’s rather frustrating. It used to be that I could measure any moral dilemma to the church and use it as a sort of measuring stick. “Well this particular choice dosent fit into the realm of Mormonism.” Basically then I’d discount it as an option and never cross that bridge again. But this time… This time, things are really different.
In a lot of ways the Church has lost an element of credibility in my opinion. Essentially I learned a truth about God that was so well hidden from me that it took years of digging and searching to find out. God doesn’t care about what I do. Or rather, he does care, but only to an extent. Does God disapprove of Mother Theresa because she was Catholic? Is all that he can see is the Catholic in her, or does he look deeper inside and see a mirrored image of His glory. Had she been born in any other situation, say to a Mormon family in Utah, would she have been able to fill her mission of compassionate service in the way that she did? I doubt it.
And what about others? Mahatmas Gandhi, The Dali Lama, Wayne Dyer, John Locke, Immaculee Ilibagiza, Jane Goodall, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn… The list could go on forever. Are they to be discounted simply because they were not Mormons? Now, now, I know that the Church teaches of work for the dead, but my point is that these truly wonderful, enlightened persons couldn’t have fulfilled their life callings without being born into the situation that they were. Couldn’t it be the same with me? My experience with the Church and my family and so forth has shaped who I am –homosexuality included.
I have always felt a deep part of me is meant to do great things. I don’t say that egotistically either, as if it were some fantasy to be the embodiment of chivalry, power, or status as a means of escape from the harsh realities of my life. What I am saying is that I want to make a difference in this world. I want it to be a better place because I was here. I want to be a blessing for good in others lives. I believe I can. I couldn’t conceive such an ideal were I born into a different situation.
But I wonder though, if indeed God is everything we say he is, shouldn’t an element of grace be upon me for that which I have been called to do in life? And shouldn’t an element of that grace be upon me for the different path that I must walk? As I see it now, I will never have children, I will never have a normal marriage relationship, and most of my friendships will be affected my homosexuality to some degree. All of these features of my future will be shaped by what I do with my life now, and my effectiveness in fulfilling my Earthly mission. I believe that God’s grace is sufficient for me and my life –whatever lifestyle I choose to live. God will lead me and accommodate me if I learn to believe and grow.
This subject has yet to be exhausted. I could go on for longer, but I really must go to bed now. I guess I will continue later.


-L- said...

Sometimes I think there's less of a conflict between Mormonism and other aspects of life as there is between those aspects of life and my perception of Mormonism. I do think that a lot people don't like about the church (including members) is really based on a misunderstanding. It's fun to read your thoughts, and I'm glad you are blogging.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

A very interesting discussion. I think an important point to be stated however is that you don't have to be Mormon to do good things. I remember being awe-struck many years ago when I met a Christian couple (non-Mormon) who, to me at least, were the epitome of what the term 'Christian' should imply. It forever destroyed the idea that somehow only Mormons were really perfect.

Of course in the Church all discussions end in points like "well, you have a better understanding of things", and the impression that all good people are going to eventually see we're right and jump on the bandwagon, whether in this life or the next.

I find it interesting to reflect on how much of who we are is necessary to make us have our proper effect on the world, or for us to have the experiences we need in this life. As you have stated here, I often think to myself how much I hope to be a tremendous influence for good in life. I hope that when I die I will have done something to leave a true legacy of benefit to others.