Life: As It Is

I know it’s been several months since I last posted on this blog. Perhaps like many blogs they have a lifespan according to the issue they represent. If I were to sum up the content of this blog it would essentially be a catalogue of the thought processes, struggles, debates, and trials that I have encountered as I have come to grips with my sexual orientation and my religion.

It has been several months since last updating my blog but I am still here and still breathing. It’s difficult to know where to begin to catch up to fill in the gaps. This blog was never meant to be a travelogue but more of a report of my state of mind in the context of my surroundings. In short however, things are good… I think.

I’ve spent the week with my brother, A and his wife, L, on vacation over the last week. It has been a great time to be with him, but also somewhat difficult for me. I have always been very close to him. We are inseparable when we are together. When in public with new acquaintances they often cannot guess that we are brothers based on our physical appearance, however, when they see us converse they put the connection together. We have our own humor, language, and significant history that it’s a dead give-away every time.

We caught the red-eye flight to our exotic destination. It was so nice just to be with them and away from the cold weather of Utah. As I sat on the airplane next to them I reflected on how much I love him, his wife, and the whole family really. Tears came to my eyes and I offered a silent prayer of gratitude. How fortunate I am to be part of this eclectic mix of exceptional people I call my family.

I am completely out of the closet to my whole family now and the support has been great. I really have no idea where I would be if I didn’t have their support. At Christmas this year it was somewhat strange to have the whole family know and talk about it openly. My youngest brother, S, was the last to find out and when I told him he couldn’t believe it. He thought it was a big hoax the family was playing on him. Anyway, I told A about my orientation about a year ago. He took it well, but really has had to take things slow. He has made it abundantly clear that he loves me regardless of what happens and whatever I do.

Despite the openness of my family, I have had a difficult time knowing exactly where A stands on the issue itself. I have had three major conversations with him and each of them I have walked away somewhat unsure exactly where he stands and how he feels about this issue and me. So we had a moment together late at night and I decided to take advantage of the privacy the night provided and we talked into the early morning hours. I don’t know exactly where the conversation began and in truth, I don’t think the topic has any closure either. He mostly talked I think and I mostly listened. Because I love him so very much I want to truly understand his perspective and where he is coming from. Because of my pride I want the confidence in the path I walk to be respected. This difference between us can make reaching an agreement on perspective difficult. Perhaps it is too much to ask of those I love to embrace my sexual identity in its fullness and I must accept that they will never fully understand or make peace with it as I have. Sometimes I wish I had some sort of wisdom to offer them, but I really don’t. I myself am still in a building phase in regards to my own belief system.

Lately I have felt a reawakening to wanting to know God better. I have begun praying more and it really feels good. I feel a deep longing to reconnect with God and understand my role in the universe. While I am generally disenchanted with the idea of organized religion, I still seek out a religious context to describe my feelings about God and essentially a spiritual identity. I feel very strongly that I need something to stand for. I am not fully involved in any group or organization and I really would like to be part of something. I need a holy cause.

Not really knowing where I stand in a religious or spiritual context makes it difficult for me to verbally justify my life choices when I talk to A or anyone for that matter. All I can really tell him with any certainty is that I know the Church does not work for me and that I do believe that God has a plan for me that he will reveal. But I suppose that doesn’t offer any sort of assurance to A, just more worry.

A has revealed that my homosexuality has lead him to do much soul searching himself and has sought to find answers for himself. He also claims that this situation has caused him to grow tremendously which makes me glad.

“Initially,” said A, “I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself, ‘Well what are homosexuals supposed to do but to seek out a same-sex relationship and just do the best they can?’ But I don’t really feel that way any more. God has required a lot of his people and sometimes we must wait, like Abraham, for God’s promises to be fulfilled.”
“So,” I said, “what you’re saying is that at first you believed that homosexuality was okay but now you don’t?”
“Right”
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
“Mostly from reading the scriptures.”
“So if I were to pursue a monogamous, same-sex relationship you would think it was sinful?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t mean I would discriminate against you nor would I treat you any different were you in a relationship like that.”

In the end, while I am grateful for his love, it pains me for him to look at me living a sinful life.

“I think you need to take your name off the records of the Church”
I was taken by surprise that he said that.
“I also think you shouldn’t consider going to BYU as an option. You should take your name off the records out of respect. There is no reason for you to be part of the Church if you don’t follow its teachings or believe them.”

I was very surprised to hear him say this. It also was a painful reminder that the Church that I dedicated my life, money, sweat, and prayers to rejects me. In some ways I feel like this whole issue has been somewhat of a dividing factor between my brother and me. The love is still there, but there is a level of discomfort in the weavings of our brotherly bond. It is that separation that hurts me so much because I love him.

A and I stayed up late talking about it all. The whole family really has been going through some interesting changes. My father is probably the least connected to the reality of our changing attitudes, beliefs, and the overall construct of religious lifestyle in our family. He is spacey and disconnected from it all. My mother is angry at God for many reasons. She feels like he let her down and didn’t keep his promise that if she did everything she could as a mother (which I believe she did), that her children would stay strong in the Church. My youngest brother, S, in A’s words, “has taken a spiritual hiatus.” He probably won’t go on a mission and has accepted an eclectic taste for living. He, much like myself is trying to figure out what he believes in and stands for. He is good, kind, and genuine. My sister, M, has a crumbling marriage. She never wanted to be a Molly-Mormon and now finds herself trapped in a very complicated marriage. I do not know what the future holds for her family. She has many doubts about the veracity of the church’s stance on the female identity and their role in the Church.

We sat and talked about the changes in our family. Everyone else seems to be in a state of transition away from the Church whether it be a final move or just a temporary phase. A lamented his status of really being the only one who is truly 100% with the Church. He told me of how he cried to his wife a couple months back about how sad he was that he feels so much like an outsider in the family right now. I guess I can relate in that I feel like such an outsider from the Church that I called my family for so many years. It seems that life is very bitter sweet at this time.

In a perfect world there wouldn’t be such irresolvable conflict. My brother wouldn’t have to deal with his chronic pain from an old injury nor would he feel like a pariah in his own family. I wouldn’t be gay and have to deal with the religious or societal conflicts that come with the territory. My sister would be able to make peace with her marriage and her personal feelings that conflict with her marriage and religion. My mother would have peace and joy knowing that her children were strong in the faith, making good choices, and had relatively trouble free lives. Her marriage would be full of not only seasoned love but also a thriving sense of being dazzled in love. My father would have desire to achieve his fullest potential and would thrive on his self-confidence. He would be connected to his world and his children. He would maximize the enormous wealth of latent talent inside and add beauty to the world around him.

I don’t mean to say that life is just one disappointment after another. Life, I believe has it’s equal positive and negative characteristics. There is an optimistic way to view everything. I like me, I love my family, and I appreciate the obstacles to be conquered and the tremendous opportunity to become.

When I was a child I was a huge fan of the Fragles. Fragle Rock was my favorite show. I had every thing Fragle. I used to know all of their songs by heart and had a record that I played over and over again. One song in particular probably sums up the essence of what I am trying to say:

You don’t know how to laugh until you cry,
You don’t know when you’ve failed until you’ve tried
You don’t know where you’ve been until you’re homeward bound
And you don’t know when you’re lost until you’re found.

It is a sorrowing for the things that cannot be in life and a rejoicing in the things that were, are, and may be. There is joy to be had in everything that happens. It can be hard to see things in an optimistic light but I believe it is possible. However, at this time, I don’t think the family is seeing things from a glass half-full perspective, myself included.

So I guess I am happy. I have many deep stressors in my life at this time in my lives that sometimes make it difficult to recognize that. But the truth is that I do feel happy for the most part. But the other part of me says, “Now what?” I really think I need a holy cause, something to live for –something to build my life around. I really have no idea what the future holds. I believe that if I continually keep God in my mind and begin to re-include him in every aspect of my life, the path will present itself.

Honestly, Marriage?

Just this evening I received a comment on an older post of mine about marrying a woman and why I (at this stage in life) will not marry a woman. The comment in full from Parallel Mormon reads:

My advice to you is dump the man and find yourself a woman. The resurrection will fix what went wrong in utero rendering us homosexual, thus you will never again desire a man, instead you will wish you had chosen a woman. Nephi said it and I know it's true, that the Lord will prepare a way for us to accomplish what He has commanded.

Also, no relationship with a man, however well-nurtured, will exist beyond death as anything more than "let's just be friends," which is, of course, what couples say when one dumps the other.

We can bridge our homosexuality and, being gay, find real passion for our wives. I now know this is true and real.

Parallel Mormon I think that, though your intentions are well meant, it is naive of you to assume that God wants me to marry a woman. In each instance where I could have gotten married in the past, I would have had to manipulate feelings and people to achieve something that the Church has told me I ought to do (in general). Furthermore, God never has told me to get married. I have NEVER once heard God's voice tell me to marry a woman. Even in those god-given friendships with some of the most wonderful and saintly women it always felt spiritually wrong to pursue a relationship that would advance into marriage.

So where you say that the Lord will prepare a way for us to accomplish that which he has commanded I agree. I just know he's never commanded me to get married.

Take it a step further, doesn't Alma 34:34 say "that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Do we know that our homosexual feelings will go away in the eternal world? Why is that important to know? Why would it be important for them to go away? Where in scripture is this backed up in correlation with what the modern prophets have said? I just don't know. But does it matter?

Whats more is that (as far as I am aware, I may be speaking ignorantly) nowhere, except the Bible, do LDS scriptures expressly condemn homosexuality. In fact they are silent on the matter. Joseph Smith is not known to have spoken on the matter. Even so, in the Old Testament where they condemn homosexuality, there are many practices that were condemned by death or stoning that now under the Gospel are not seen as unholy or sinful. So how are we to know that the modern prophets just don't know and are acting on limited information?

And lastly the Church does not necessarily encourage mixed-orientation marriage -emphasizing my point that perhaps it would be unwise for me to marry a woman.

President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.

On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.

President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems. (Click here for more)

So what is the Church's stance on mixed orientation marriage? By interpretation, I believe they do not encourage it, yet under the circumstances that a couple weighs the possibilities without false pretense and prayerfully decides to unite in marriage the Church does not discourage it.

I, however, have not felt a great attraction to a daughter of God in so far as to inspire me to pursue marriage. I want to make it clear that I am not saying that no one should enter a mixed orientation marriage. You state in your blog that you have attraction to your wife. Perhaps there is more bisexuality in your orientation than in mine. Parallel Mormon, your marriage may be exactly what God wants and intends for you and your family and it might not be. Perhaps it is irrelevant to God. But I have no place to tell you what will or will not work for you. I support your marriage. I hope that it works out for you. I believe that if it is right, absolutely God will sustain your marriage.

Your attractions to men obviously are a big enough deal in your life to cause you to blog about it and to share the reality of it with your wife. Thoughts of leaving your marriage were out-of-the-question for you... You cannot only think for yourself. You have children in addition to your wife.

It may be moot to say so, but you were not honest with your wife when you married her. She didn't know that you had attractions to men. Had the two of you discussed this and weighed all options out, perhaps your fledgling relationship may not have lasted. In your blog you mention that you didn't tell your wife for fourteen years. You obviously knew that you were attracted to men the whole time. Do you think that maybe you were marrying her in hopes that it would be a therapeutic step? But most importantly, what caused you to be dishonest with her in the first place? As for me, I could not enter such a marriage without being completely honest. I need to be clear that I am not saying that I will never marry a woman, but rather that I do not see it anywhere on my horizon. Essentially what works for one person might well not work for another. Where your marriage is working great for you, such a situation may not for me.

God has always given commandments in conflict for the betterment of his children.

• Adam and Eve to procreate and yet not partake of the fruit that will make it possible.
  
• Nephi to slay Laban that he might obtain the record of his people yet it was murder.
  
• Abraham to offer Issac as a sacrifice yet Issac was to be the fulfillment of prophecy and the heritage of Abraham's lineage.

God may well tell you to get married to a woman and not me. When you decided to get married did God tell you to deceive your wife by not telling her about your attractions? If you could do it all over again would you have told your wife at the onset of your relationship that you had homosexual inclinations? What have you learned from all of this tremendous experience?

Thanks, Parallel Mormon, for your comment and allowing me to expand these ideas. For every answer there are a thousand more questions. May God bless you and your wife.

Just Do What Feels Like Fun

So I've not posted in awhile and there has been so much on my mind. I have gone through some really stressful times here recently... I roll with the punches pretty well, but overall, I've been on overload. I found a place to live upon returning to UT and by chance two of my three roommates are gay. I'll post more about that another time though.

I had an interesting conversation with one of them moments ago that struck me as noteworthy.

Caspian: You know, I really need to start moving towards my goals. I mean, I really believe that I have a purpose in life. I have things that I am supposed to do. I mean, I really need to finish school and there are so many things that distract me.

Flyboy: Yeah, I used to be stressed out about school, but I don't worry about it anymore.

Caspian: I guess I just believe that everyone has a mission in life... something that only I can accomplish... I feel like I really need to get a move on and meet my goals.

Flyboy: I used to believe that too and I was all worried, but now I just do what I want to and have fun.

Caspian: I just feel that for me, I need to accomplish certain things. Like by accomplishing these things I will have a truly fulfilling life.

Flyboy: We're only 25, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Caspian: Yeah of course, but still, you only live once and I have so many things I need to do.

Flyboy: Yeah well I didn't graduate and I just do what feels right and have fun. I don't worry about anything else. I just do what feels like fun.

I really don't want to end up not accomplishing my life goals... sometimes I scare myself because I wonder why I don't care about somethings that fundamentally and morally should be part of my life... Other times, I freak out by the idea of someone binding me down with dogmas that only make me feel bad about who I am. At the same time it seems like the harder I try to move toward a goal or an ideal, the further away from them I find myself. Flyboy is a good person and a good roommate, but I cannot let go of my mission in life simply because it's hard. Hearing what he said sent chills up my spine. I must, absolutely must, become the person I was meant to become... I just fear that I don't have the intestinal fortitude to accomplish what I was made to accomplish. I don't want to waste my life having fun or doing what feels nice. I want to live and breathe and make a difference in this world. There are too many distractions along the way... and I fear getting stuck somewhere and one day waking up and finding myself so far away from my goals and dreams with so much time passed that it will be impossible to go back and become what God has made me capable of becoming.

Getting Married (To a Woman)

As I have previously posted, I've had the opportunity to get married on a couple different occasions. I know, that if I had just asked, she would have said yes. But I think getting married is a really bad idea for me. Even with being honest with my wife and talking openly with her about my feelings, I would feel trapped. It may be naive of me to say so, but some of my past experience has shown me otherwise.

As I have slowly come out to my closest friends and my family members I have felt a tremendous relief of pressure felt from living a double life. It has helped me to realize that I can make the choice of lifestyle I want to live independent of anyone else. I know that regardless of which direction I take my life, my family and closest loved ones will support me. I really puts me in neutral social territory to make such a decision.

If I were to marry a woman I would not have the luxury of sharing my feelings of homosexuality in a natural and healthy way. If I were to have a close friend and desired to share with him the reality of my homosexuality, I would need to consult my wife first because my orientation would affect my wife significantly. Take it a step further; we would share similar social circles. Being openly in a mixed orientation marriage would provide a very awkward situation for my wife. What's more, what if I have children? It's one thing if your parents are an openly gay same-sex couple, but it's another when it's a mixed orientation marriage and it's a semi-closeted situation. There are so many variables when you bring a spouse and family into the picture.

Maybe I am being too quick to judge the difficulty of dealing with my homosexual feelings in a marriage situation. I will say this much though, since I have made peace with being gay, told my family about my orientation, and adjusted into a lifestyle that is moving out, I have found that I am less neurotic, not obsessed with pornography, and the unspeakable "M" word is not really such a big deal. I feel more authentic with myself and a closing gap in the dichotomies of being gay and in the church. I feel like I am progressing as a person and generally I am happy. Were I to move a step forward into marriage would I have to deal with that emotional roller coaster again? I don't want to move in and out of depression and sometimes feeling like I am on the verge of mental and emotional collapse. It wasn't healthy when I was completely closeted and it wouldn't be healthy for me to closet myself again for the sake of a wife. It's not fair for a woman to be married to a man like me no matter how great I am.

And then, to throw the last log onto the fire, I want to state very clearly, I am really not very interested in having sex with a woman, much less regular sex with a woman. Sorry, I am gay and that's that. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Heaven knows I tried. I'm interested in having sex with a man.

In other news and somewhat off topic, I just wanted to post a little bit about the guy I've been seeing out here. He is so awesome. I've really been enjoying this relationship. I cannot stress enough how comfortable it is. It is drama-free, easy, and honest. We are so much alike in so many ways. We have the same interests, philosophies, and personality types. I am really sad though because it is going to end very soon when I move back to Utah in 2 weeks. I am a little bit scared and nervous about the pending break-up. There is still so much to explore in our relationship and I feel like it is prematurely going to end. Even if I was to stay out here though, the relationship would have to end because he has a 6 year commission with the army in a month. I just wish things weren't going to end this way.

Losing

I hate losing. I don't think it's ever a good thing to be a sore looser, but I won't lie; I hate losing more than I like winning. It has always been this way with me, but I don't think it's a healthy attitude to have and I think it is representative of something much deeper in me. It's the whole reason I never really got into competitive sports even though I know that physically I could perform well. And just like all other obstacles I face, It's all in my head.

In one of my sales books that I've been reading I gained some insight into this phenomenon that has stifled my success for some time. Carl Lewis, arguably the greatest track and field athlete of all time and nine-time Olympic gold medalist, was and excellent example of this. After his last event in the 1996 summer Olympics in Atlanta, when he won the gold medal on his final attempt in the long jump, the sportscaster asked, "Mr. Lewis, what were you thinking about just before you jumped?" As it turned out, Carl Lewis wasn't thinking about medals, money or any of the accolades that would come from a victory. Instead, he said his primary motivation was that his family was in the stadium and he didn't want to disappoint them by losing his final Olympic event.

The fear of failure is a powerful influence. Imagine what would happen if a pack of German Shepherd dogs were actually chasing the Olympic athletes down the track toward the finish line. That would certainly motivate me to run faster. People are motivated differently -and while some are motivated by a positive reward, some are motivated by negative aversion. While the book remains neutral on whether or not being motivated by positive or negative results are arbitrarily "good" or "bad," in my personal situation, I think being motivated by German Shepherds is damaging to me. I won't compete against someone else in something if I think I will loose or that there is a good possibility of failure.

I don't play video games for this reason. Video games are designed for you to loose several times over and over again until you can get a little bit further in the game and then you loose and loose again until you get a little bit further and so on until ultimately you conquer the game. Loosing the first time or two is aversion enough to keep me from playing again.

Every morning in my office at work we sit around a big table and have our sales meeting. Half-way through the meeting we clear the table, put up a little net, and play a half hour to forty five minute ping-pong tournament. I always loose. Not because I can't be good at ping-pong, but because I don't want to loose so badly that I psych myself out to the point of loosing on the first round. Then I sit there and watch all of my coworkers play and have a good time for the remainder of the meeting while I sit and feel sorry for myself. I know, it sounds lame, but this has always been the case with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't let it ruin my day, but it's something important to note about myself.

In terms of my sales it also affects me. I have done alright this summer in terms of sales. It can really be a struggle at times. Though I am not at all where I hoped I would be in terms of my personal sales goals, I am in the top 40 percent of my office. The company will periodically throw out sales incentives that are really great. Some of this summer's incentives have been money, I-Pods, Nintendo Wiis, digital camera, Skull Candy headphones, and a cruise. I have won nothing. I've come close a couple times. But I didn't win anything while virtually every one of my coworkers have won at least something. I think the most I've won is $11. I don't want to be bitter about it, but why can't I win something sometime?

How did I get this way? It's not like I enjoy loosing, but I think it's the aftermath of several years of self doubt and personal struggle. I am confident in most things nowadays. I'm not scared of strangers or knocking on someone's door and selling them my product. I'm not afraid of performing on stage or speaking my mind. I enjoy challenge and pushing myself into new experiences. But when it comes to competition, I get very uncomfortable. I believe if I can change my loser's paradigm to a winners paradigm, I will win every time. But I don't know how to change that. Perhaps it's just a matter of forcing myself into the uncomfortable competition and hanging on until I get used to loosing. Regardless, at least I recognize this about myself. Acknowledgment is the first step I suppose.

Doctrine of Happiness

I've been thinking a whole lot lately about the concept of happiness. Mostly in light of the path that I am pursuing, but also in light of some of the recent posts by some bloggers. (Gimple, Stripping Warrior, Elbow, Young Stranger, Forrester) Everyone wants to be happy including me. The pursuit of happiness can be found in almost everything we do -our jobs, school, relationships, goals, hobbies, religion, morals, etc. Yet if everything we do in essence is in some way related to our overall happiness why are so many people unhappy? Shouldn't we be experts on the subject by now?

I think there is a misconception about happiness. People all too often view happiness as if it were a physical tangible gift that comes to you on account of the things you do with your life. I do no believe that happiness is a destination or a place. It's not like we make a choice and then suddenly we say, "Okay, I've arrived! I'm happy now!" Rather, happiness is a progression, a journey, a way of life. I believe that happiness is dependent upon progression or achievement. When I say achievement, I don't mean, winning a medal, getting a job, making a friend, or having a talent discovered and becoming famous. It is the attitude towards earning the achievement that makes one's journey to the achievement full of happiness.

A couple months ago I met a couple that were about to celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary. What an achievement! They were a happy couple. They did everything together. I could tell, though time had seasoned their minds with cloudiness of age, their love for eachother was strong as ever. I doubt that on the day of their 65th anniversary they turned to eachother and said, "At last! We are truly happy!" Yet so often I hear people say, "I will be happy when I get this or that. If I can just change this about myself then I will be happy. When I get to this destination in life, then I will be happy." I believe that this concept fools people into unhappiness.

It fools people into unhappiness because it is not the achievement itself that brings happiness, but rather the journey itself can truly be a happy one if we let it. For me, when I make mistakes and do self destructive behaviors it is usually on account of shortsightedness or an unmet need. But through it all, I can still choose to be happy. Wherever or whatever the situation is, I can choose to be happy.

For me, happiness is dependent upon progression. Again, not the progression of achievement, but the progression of who I am, my character, and my calling in life. Achievement is merely a mile marker in that positive progression. Because of that, no one can tell me what will make me happy.

If I can choose to love myself independent of my actions though; love myself as God loves me, then my weakness can be overcome. And when I have overcome the weakness or the trial or made the achievement, it is not the arrival of the reward that makes it all worthwhile, but rather the journey.

Thats why life is hard. Heaven wouldn't be worthwhile if it was just a matter of hanging on long enough to make it from birth to death. Yet so many people treat their membership in the Church with much of the same sentiment. "If I can just hang on and white-knuckle my way through the Church and fulfill my calling, read my scriptures, be obedient, etc. then I will get the reward!" Or in other words as long as I keep trying to be obedient to the Church then someday I will achieve my happiness. Don't get me wrong. I'm not dissing obedience. I'm speaking about happiness. Happiness comes from within. It is independent of any of life's variables. Sin and disobedience are natural parts of mortality and therefore sorrowing over it does little good. Pick up, move on, and be happy.

The well quoted verse, Alma 41:10 states, ...wickedness never was happiness. I completely agree. But too often people reverse the statement and twist the meaning to say: Wickedness is unhappiness. Happiness is independent. Alma was speaking of the resurrection and the restoration being restored to happiness or in other words being restored unto exaltation. If you take it in the context that it is so often portrayed in the church, no, wickedness never was happiness, but neither was righteousness. Happiness is independent.

"Most people measure their happiness in terms of physical pleasure and material possession. Could they win some visible goal which they have set on the horizon, how happy they could be! Lacking this gift or that circumstance, they would be miserable. If happiness is to be so measured, I who cannot hear or see have every reason to sit in a corner with folded hands and weep. If I am happy in spite of my deprivations, if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith, so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life, — if, in short, I am an optimist, my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing." Helen Keller in Optimism

I could sit in the corner and fold my arms and say, "I'm Gay and I'm Mormon! Nothing I can do will change that and consequently I am going to be unhappy with it." Or I can choose to be optimistic and make something of myself.

I've been asking myself a lot lately, "Am I happy? Am I really, truly happy?" I had a conversation with my mom about a week ago about this. Certainly I wish that there were certain aspects of my life that were more perfect. I bet Helen Keller would have liked to be able to see and hear. I would like to be straight. But my happiness is not dependent upon that. Neither was hers. If happiness is not dependent upon my circumstances then it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. I'm glad to be me because I can be happy. I am not the only one in life who suffers with less than perfect circumstances. I can learn and grow in the life that God gave me and I can be happy. I'm not just saying this to convince myself or out of an obligation to convince others but truly because I believe it and I feel it to be true.

So then, am I happy? I really think I am. It's not like a big roller coaster either where one week I'm happy and the next week I suffer, but over all I've been steady. I feel great about life. I feel good about the direction I'm moving and the changes I'm making. Life is really good. I am happy.

River of Life

There is a reason why I like sales. I am not a salesman because I want to be in sales as a career, especially door-to-door. However there is a reason why I did it last year, why I am doing it this year and why I plan on doing it next year too.

I have learned so much from this job. It has really been a blessing in that regard. I don't think that I am out here because of money. Granted, I wouldn't have ever joined this sales team if I didn't think I would make money, but I am out here because of the paradigm shift. I know that if I can learn to be successful at this job, I can be successful at anything in life. This job has been one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had and been very emotionally stressful. However, I keep telling myself, If I can believe in myself, believe in me and have confidence, nothing can stop me. When I had left Provo in April I was still somewhat emotionally unsure of so many things. I have really regained myself out here this summer.

I believe that life is like a river, wild and flowing. God chooses our river of life and we must ride it. Some people choose to paddle against the current. I used to do that. I believed that if I paddled hard enough against the current that somehow I would be placed in a different river with a different boat. That was silly of me. After I came to the realization that my river, my life, was chosen for me by God, I no longer tried to fight Him nor His plans for me in my life I went through a phase of exhaustion. I was tired of paddling and angry at God for putting me in such a difficult raging river. My canoe could hardly float at times because of how much water I had taken on. I allowed myself to spin and crash into rocks and capsize several times this last fall and winter. I hated life at times. Why couldn't I have a speed boat or a yacht and be in a calm, deep, and wide river? Fatigued, I believed that if there were sharp rocks or a waterfall in my path on my river that I must succumb to my fate. Life was destiny for me. I allowed life to happen to me rather than make life happen for me. Things became very difficult for a time.

This summer I learned that while I cannot choose my river and I cannot choose my obstacles in my river, I can choose to paddle my canoe. God has given me the strength, the mind, and the ability to ride the chosen river he has blessed me with. Rocks will inevitably come, sometimes calm eddies, other times raging rapids and other boaters who will push me into troubled waters. Ultimately I can avoid the most dangerous and troublesome situations if I use my common sense and learn to master this river, enjoy the ride, and be grateful that I was given a canoe instead of just an inner tube or a couple of floaties! It doesn't mean that I can change the landscape of my river, but the greatest challenges can be avoided with experience, prayer, friends, love, and a little bit of strength and technical maneuvering.

In essence, this job has taught me so much about paddling my canoe. I'm feeling more secure, level headed and happy now than I have in a really long time. I have regained so many goals and rebuilt my dreams to a great extent. I won't lie and say that there are times when I still wish I had that yacht or a calmer river, but I am grateful for my experience and glad to be me. There were times last fall when I really came close to jumping out of my canoe all together. It was a scary place to be mentally. I had worked so hard to earn my GPA and get through school and I felt like all my work was for nothing because I was destined to drown. I feel alive again though. I feel like I can again start working towards fulfilling my life mission and being truly happy. I cannot wait to see what lies just around the next bend in the river. Good things will come my way.